The Smackdown Rant: That episdoe where The Undertaker fights Batista- Again

Posted by Roadkill



This is it, the final show before Backlash, WWE's most desperate pay per view. Because really, after Wrestlemania, who feels like paying forty bucks to see a bunch of matches you just saw a month ago on a lesser stage of them all? Oh well, it's still not as bad as One Night Stand's card of gimmick matches or Vengeance : "Night of Champions" where you don't even know who half the champions are because they're so sparsely used on television. Anyway, Smackdown!


They show a video of the Edge/Taker fued, and then we see Edgey Guerrero himself in the ring with his family. Normally I'd think it's weird that all these people can't seem to beat a couple of inhuman monsters for their belts, but really, when the monsters can summer fire and lightning and most of the guys can be put down for the night with a chokeslam, I can see how it could get pretty repetitive. Competetive. I said competetive. Anyway, Vickie announces that tonight's Taker-Batista title match will be No DQ. Incidentally, there will now also be No Title Change and No Satisfying Ending! Can't wait. Edge says it doesn't matter who wins that match, because at Backlash he'll become champion again. Oh yeah, and Chavo too, but you don't have to care about that. He says it'll be a wonderful night for his familia when CM Punk interrupts, with loud music and a giant eyeball on the Titantron. Creepy. Speaking of Punk, how can he be Mr.moneyinthebank? He looks like he has the least amount of money in the business. Then, Edge congratulates him on his KOTR loss. He says, "You're not king, so you're quenn of the ring." Chavo humiliates himself and says, "More like da court jestuh, esse." I made the last word up, but boy, Chavo sucks at everything. Edge mocks Punk becasue he used MITB to get to the top. Edge mocked for being Mr.MITB. Edge. Punk says, "At least I didn't screw a fat cow-horse to get to the top." Actually, he called Vickie a boss, not a cow-horse. Vickie cries, and TLO feels bad. He makes Punk face The Undertaker, just like he did to everyone in 2006. No, that never happened. Funny exchange sees Edge refuse to dignfiy that with a response and say Punk wouldn't understand their love, to which Punk says dude that's f'n gross, I don't want to understand. F you Punk, some of us out there are forced to voluntarily recap this show. Edge asks him why he's out and he says he's just here for a public service announcement to remind us the rules of the briefcase. Edge exclaims that Punk had better think long and hard before he challenges him, but Punk thinks he can beat him. Edge threatens him with a match and Punk accepts. Vickie makes their singles match tonight official and Edge claims Punk will be bankrupt after it. What a horrible line to end their segment with. Commercials!



My Myspace survey:

Question 1: Do you fight with your parents often?

I hit my dad with a shovel once when I was 9. It was after we got back from Toys 'r' us, and he would'nt let me get the new Tonka truck.



Question 2 : Have you ever been in a car accident?
Once, when I was only a few months old. But to be fair, I was still new to driving.


Question 3 : How often do you shower?
Every eight weeks.



Question 4 : Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

What do you mean by, "sleep"?



Question 5 : What is bothering you right now?
Well, I smell sort of bad. Earlier I went for a walk for a while and took a quick shower when I came back to rinse the sweat off, but didn't really use soap or anything. Plus I got woken up at the ungodly hour of noon and rushed into a quick shower then, so I didn't get to take my usual thirty five minutes.


Question 6 : When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
REAL MEN DON'T CRY, EVER.


Question 7 : Have you ever made out in a car?
Uh, real men also don't make out in cars. It's true.


Question 8 : Have you ever kissed a stranger?

No. Well, she told people that, but that was only because she was embarrassed to be caught seen with me is all.


Question 9 : That thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you?
What, my smell? Well, since I've gotten a snack, I now smell like Cheddar Chex Mix, so...yes.

We are back it's time for our weekly "We really don't give a Crap" match.



1st match: Shanon Moore w/Jimmy Wang-Yang vs. MIKE THE MIZ w/ John Morrison



The shaman of shitty is doing commentary on this match. I didn't actually pay attention to this match, so I'll just talk about the commentating. They talk about WWE kids magazine and wwe.com and The Dirt Sheet. Coach is sucking John's nuts here. Orally, I mean. Sorry, he's "verbally" doing it. He talks about Morrison's abs and wonderful physique. He says, " Well when you really count, it seems like you have more of an eight-pack than a six-pack." And I thought Cole's televised anal sex permanently made him the gayest announcer. End of the match here as Miz goes for the Reality Check but Moore dodges and backslides him for the pin.



Winner: Shanon Moore. The champs taunt with their belts from the ring and the cruiserweights do the generic pointing from up the ramp as we get a graphic for Taker-Batista, "Smackdown's greatest rivalry revisited". Bull. Anyone who says it's anything but Batista-Khali is a goddamn liar. Khali danced and everything! Commercials.


Congrats to Coach. Mike Adamle was crowned the new "world's worst announcer" on ECW.



Back and we get presidential crap from Raw that you don't care about. Diva time! As you know, Michelle Mcool and Cherry are feuding with Victoria and Natalya Neidhart over something. This is Neidhart's debut match and pretty much decides whether she'll continue as a woman's wrestler with Victoria as the new Pink and Black Attack, or become a valet Diva and hook up with MVP or somebody as the Black in Pink Assault. Or, something.



2nd match: Natalya w/o her last name (It took 2 weeks) vs. Cherry w/Michelle Mcool



Poor gal already lost her last name. Yet she wins with the Sharpshooter, whatever sense that makes.


Winner: Natalya.



Apparently at Backlash there's a 12 Diva Tag Team Match. Yeah. No way you'll catch me ordering that goddamn show! Oh wait, what's this? A Big Show and Khali video package?! Oh crud, I'm there! And not just because I have to, nope. Commericals!



Michael Cole interviews Matt Hardy next. He comes out to a huge pop, even though he'll never be a main-eventer or anything. They show a clip of Hardy's injury last year. Hardy says his knee is 100%, and that MVP wanted to avoid him or some crap. MVP comes out in a nice suit and an ever fancy do-rag. He grabs Cole's mic and tells him to beat it and asks Hardy why? Why he gotsta come out here and distort the facts? P tries to convince him all he ever did was try and be friends and it's thanks to him that Hardy is an 8-time tag champion instead of just an embarrassing 7-time champ. Hardy reminds P the whole reason they even became tag champs was that P refused to give him a shot at his title. Big Hardy chant starts up as P tries to call Hardy jealous that he's accomplished more in his year and a half than Hardy has in his entire 9-year career. Hardy says he's not jealous, he's confident and at Backlash he'll prove to the entire world that he's better than MVP. MVP says he was hoping they could move past this, but Hardy says his mind is made up. P holds up his belt and looks at it before announcing that at Backlash Hardy would be getting his opportunity to become United States champion. He then of course proceeds to clock Hardy in the head with the belt. One of the best belt shots I've ever seen, seriously. He casually takes his leave and Hardy eventually slides out of the ring looking concussioned as hell.



MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE! Punk is on his way to the ring for his match with Edge. I don't know if Punk should take the loss here. Edge could definitely get his heat back a lot quicker than Punk, since Punk has yet to really do anything to affirm himself after winning Money in the Bank. But still, Edge is main eventing this Sunday's PPV. Oh well, I guess jumping Taker at the end of the show for the umpenteenth time is good enough. I'll give this one to Punk. Commercials.



3rd match: Straight Edge vs. Regualr Edge



Damn, back already?! Anyway, the match was damn goo. So good, I can't even recap it because I forgot all about this. Oh well!



Winner: Edge, obviously.



Back to crappy crap. Vladimir Kozlov also won yet another squash match. More commercials.


Back and Batista says thanks to Vickie for the title shot, but he knows what's up. More commercials.



Back to more Presidential crap. Cole, if we wanted to watch CCN, we would've. Hillary won Pennsylvania! Too bad she's still going to lose the nomination to the loser of the election, but hey, PENNSYLVANIA!



Batista is out first for "possibly the biggest match of his career". Yeah, no. Why do people with Batista signs always draw those old fashioned round black bombs with string fuses that haven't been used since the 1800s? Need to get some updated bombs, like ones that look like digital alarm clocks, or Mooninites. Taker is out next.

Main Event: Batista vs. The Undertaker- World Heavyweight title, No DQ

They do the introductions in the ring, and Justin Roberts is growing on me. This match feels a little forced, the Edge-Punk match was more electric than this. Plus you kind of know how it's going to end. Nevertheless, they start off with headlocks and shoulder blocks before Batista gets Taker into the corner for some punches. Corner clothesline by Batista but Taker goes for a series of arm wrenches and shoulder blocks. Couple one-counts by Taker but Batista comes back with a lazy spear. Taker tries to apply his chokehold but Batista wildly slaps his legs away, kind of like a girl who walked into a spider web. He rolls to the outside and backs up to the barricade for the comfort of some random front row tools patting his back as we go to commercials.

Back just in time to see Taker whip Batista into the steel steps. Apron leg drop and he rolls Teest back into the ring for two. Old School attempt sees Taker get crotched on the buckle but manages to block a superplex. Batista charges Taker still on the turnbuckle but he stops that shindig with a boot. Old School connects this time and he goes for a charge but Batista counters that into a huge spinebuster. Somebody called it a powerbomb. I'm not sure who, as it easily could have been either one of them. And that's sad. Nearfall! Batista Bomb attempt but Batista gets backdropped. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Batista catches Taker's hand and lands a powerslam for two. Clothesline attempt by Batista gets his stuff rocked with a big boot and chokeslam, to which Coach says "Somebody's going for a ride!" I wonder if he thinks The Last Ride is the name of Undertaker's chokeslam. If it was anybody else I'd chalk it up to just a lame choice of words, but with Coach I just don't know. Undertaker picks up a two off the ch- okeslam, so Taker cuts his throat before walking right into a spear. Another two count to which Coach exclaims "We've had two or three two or three counts in this match!" Batista gets Taker in the corner for some mounted punches and the crowd is counting along all the way to ten. This of course leads to the Last Ride powerbomb, but Batista manages to kick out again. Taker leaves the ring and brings in the steel steps that are usually legal anyway. He looks for a tombstone but Batista reverses it, just like every other time these two have ever tried this spot ever, and gets a spinebuster onto the steps. Replays cover the screen and what's actually going on is taking place in a little box in the far bottom corner. The announcers are yelling it's a Batista Bomb but I don't know, knowing them it could be a goddam DDT. When the screen blows back up Shawn Michaels (or is it the lead singer for Lynard Skynard? Not sure.) is in the ring with a cowboy hat and superkicks the hell out of Batista. I'm pretty sure the back of HBK's shirt says "Creationism" in dripping blood. Maybe there's a bloody human rib below it, I don't know, I couldn't see it all. Crotch chop and Cole claims that Michaels just broke Batista's heart. Too bad I didn't watch it, I must have missed their love angle on Raw. Must have. Taker is getting up and gets Batista up for the Tombstone Piledriver. This connects and he pins Batista for three.

Winner: The Undertaker. A series of replays air after the match. Edge decides not to come out and beat Taker up for once this week, despite him lying injured on the mat and unable to stand. Surely if he's hurt they could at least get BAM NEELY to do it. Ah well. END SHOW.

WWE: Punk/Edge and Teest/Taker was good.

TNA Impact: Everything else.

Remember WCW?: Remember when Edge used his Money in the Bank and you were like "Oh crap!" and RVD beat John Cena with it and you were like "Oh crap!" and Edge won the title with it again and you were like "Oh, crap, that kind of sucked" and when Punk won it and you were like "Oh, crap!" I wonder if they'll trust Punk enough with it to use it to main event Wrestlemania, or if they'll just have him use it in six months as a quick makeshift main event for a lackluster PPV. I hope it's the former, so when the new Mr. MITB is crowned at next year's Wrestlemania, there'll be two of them, and wacky shenanigans will ensue. That should be kind of cool. They could do an Odd Couple angle from then on. It could be William Regal and The Boogeyman. They could have their own tv show too, like the real Odd Couple. Wait, there was no real Odd Couple. It was just a show. A funny show. And not just because Felix's initials were FU. Nope.

The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Roadkill

Hey guys, and welcome to Smackdown! Sorry this week's rant is a little late. I was just crying because Regal is King of the Ring. That's like firing Krystal because she wouldn't go along with a storyline, or having John Cena win the royal rumble, only to use his title shot at No Way Out and not at Wrestlemania. Not that any of that would ever happen. Not by a long shot.

Anyway, Y2Jesus is out, and it's time for the highlight reel, even though there are no highlights of anything whatsoever. Anyway, Chris is breaking the walls- of the brand extension. Just like everyone else. Chirs gets a little David Bowieish and reminds us he's the special guest ref at Backlash. But it's totally a special and prestigious honor t o be a guest referee, and not at all a sign of somebody, somecreative, or something being unable to correctly book one of the most adaptive guys for even one single match since he returned five months ago. Anyway, he introduces his guest Batista and Jericho first wishes him luck tonight in his huge main event match against the Undertaker, and Y2J did a stand-up job of keeping most of the bitterness out of his voice when he said it. He then brings up Shawn Michaels and runs him down before showing the clip o f him accusing Michaels of enjoying retiring Ric Flair before being superkicked right the hell down. Ridiculous hype aside, I think I actually did hear some teeth rattling down Jericho's throat there. Or it might've been just the ever-present static on my tv, but I'm telling you, I know teeth when I hear them. After the video rolls, Jericho says with that kick Michaels basically admitted both he and Batista were right in their assumptions of Michaels as evil and tells Batista "you're welcome." THAT DOESNT SIT RIGHT WITH THE ANIMAL. Batista says he never asked Jericho to be his lawyer and if he has a problem with someone, he tells them to their face before getting in Y2J's face. Jericho does the annoying girl bit and says "What, so I can't express my opinions around here anymore, heh?" and Batista tells him no. He's pissed he has to deal with both Shawn and Jericho at Backlash, and doesn't see where Jericho fits into the equation. Neither does anybody else, Teest. Jericho didn't ask to be the ref, but since he is, it's analysis time. He says it was irrational how angry Batista is over Ric Flair retiring. Chalk that one up to the 'Rage. You should see him when he loses his car keys or when he has to take his goddam brat of a son to hockey instead of having a beer and watching football. HE ISN'T HAPPY ON HIS DAY OFF, DAVE! Jericho continues and theorises that Batista wishes he had been the one Flair hand-picked to be his opponent at Wrestlemania and wishes he was the one that got to retire Flair in his last match . He also says that on Flair's Raw Retirement Celebration, he saw the love between Flair and Michaels but Batista was too cool to show emotions. Jericho turns toward the crowd and asks for a show of hands if they agree, Batista wanted to retire Flair. A crapload of hands go up. He asks for another showing, this time if they think Batista is more selfish than Michaels. Noticeably fewer hands go up, but I think that's more of a knock on Shawn. There was about to be another question, but Batista stops dat junk with a Batista Bomb. Great work, Dave. Now you just gotta get all those people who raised their hands and agreed with him. THEN THEY'LL BE SURE TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. Commercials.

Back and Matt Hardy is out to do some commentary on MVP's match. I thought they said last week these two would be facing eachother tonight? Oh well, I probably just screwed up, even though I know I didn't and Cole probably did. They're still wrestling eachother for P's belt at Backlash anyway, so no big deal.

1st match: MVP vs. Tommy Dreamer

I think Dreamer Match and Nontitle Match are interchangeable, don't you? Man, he looks sad as shit wrestling in a Wrestlemania t-shirt. Before the match, MVP throws off his t-shirt at Matt at the announcer's table. Tommy starts off in control early with very basic moves as Coach claims Dreamer is "no slouch". He wrestles in sweatpants, a t-shirt, and has love handles like a mofo, but allright. P gains the advantage with a reverse guillotine on the ropes from the apron. MVP continues to work over Dreamer as Cole claims Hardy has never won a singles title. I guess the European, Hardcore, and Cruiserweight titles just never existed, then. That's cool, I mean if I can be trained to forget entire people like that one guy who never existed and The Macho Savage or whoever, then what's a defunct division? Cole and Coach repeatedly try to sell this PPV as Hardy has to keep bringing them back to talk about the match. He does however say he wants to win a World Championship someday. Yeah, and I'm sure all the remedial kids want to be astronauts and firefighters, but you have to be realistic. Matt Hardy has about as much chance of escaping the midcard as those kids do of one day getting out of poverty. BALLIN' elbow drop gets two because it's an elbow drop and Tommy makes a comeback. Playmaker attempt is reversed into a DDT by Dreamer that gets two. MVP sends Dreamer's shoulder into the ringpost upon getting up and hits his huge running boot in the corner. With this, MVP pins Dreamer for the win, possibly because they're trying to get it over as a legit finisher, but probably because it was Tommy Dreamer in a pinning predicament.

Winner: MVP

Yeah. Finlay and Hornswoggle are getting warmed up for their match. Oh Jesus. Commercials.

Mick Foley in Anamorphs should really suck.

2nd match: Hornswoggle vs. Matt Striker, Wacky B.S. match

Matt Striker is in the ring with a mic saying he's been embarrassed by Hornswoggle and shouldn't be here because he's got a degree in educational psychology. If he got to talk more, he should change what his degree is in with every promo. He also says he has a 186 IQ. My IQ is 132. You didn't need to know that, I just like saying it because it sounds like a pretty high number. Anyway, the Irishmen make their entrance, and I have to wonder how an everyday mother would take seeing their husband, the father, usher his small child over to fight a teacher. Hornswoggle starts off by juggling some tennis balls before pelting Striker with them in his, SHALL WE SAY, HIS TENNISBALLS! HA!! Yep. Cole states for no reason that those are $250 apiece tournament tennis balls. "Oh crap, I thought he was just getting pelted in the crotch with those cheapo Wal*Mart rubber fuzz balls!" Anyway, the rest of the match goes like this : Finlay hands Horny a water gun, he squirts Striker with it, Striker takes it and turns around to throw it down or try to break it over his knee or something, then turns back to get squirted with another one. They go through about ten water guns like his, seriously, and Cole's forced hysterical laughter is grating. Striker eventually bypasses the midget and lands a nice kick on Finlay from the apron and beats him down on the outside before climbing back up on the apron and threatening Hornswoggle. Finlay is up, however, and so Striker lunges at him but he pulls back the apron cover and Striker crotches himself. Horny with a drokick on his head from the ring and Finlay throws his son at Striker before sending him back in. Inside, Striker pushes Horny down and slaps the living hell out of him for a few satisfying seconds before going for the shilaylay that gets confiscated by the ref. Finlay in with a shot of his own and Hornswoggle comes off the top with the splash for the win.

Winner: Read, losers. They proceed to promote the new WWE Kids magazine and claim Hornswoggle answers some pretty provokative questions in there. Finlay and Hornswoggle do about the gayest celebration as I keep waiting for Finlay to drag Striker back into the ring and bloody the hell out of him with a shilaleigh, but it doesn't happen. Probably because they're trying to market their stuff towards kids now. Goddamn kids.

We get reminded of Big Show-Khali, and tonight it's Big Show-Mark Henry. Spoiler alert, you guys : It won't be good. Commercials.

Back for our obligatory Chavo Guerrero time. He'll be taking on Jamie Noble, but not by himself! No sir, Chavo's no fool, he knows damn well Noble's a rough opponent. He brought his new bodyguard along. Because the Edgeheads are just all over tv too much these days, I guess. They roll a clip of Bam Neely's debut beating up Kane a couple weeks ago at an ECW contract signing. Wait, ECW has contract signings? I guess the old ECW really is dead.

3rd match: Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely w/ stupid name w/ Holy hell, I think he read that last thing, so I better run vs. Jamie Noble w/ no chance of winning this match

Nothing happens, nothing happens. Modified Gory Bomb and Noble's neck is guillotined on the top rope. More of nothing happens and Chavo wins with a frogsplash.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero. After the match, Bam gives Jamie a half nelson slam. Oh, a half nelson slam. Kane better watch out, or he'll get slammed at Backlash. You won't be affected by it because, well, your not a Smackdown mid-carded, but still, you better watch your ass. Commercials.

Milk Milk Lemonade around the corner fudge is made.

We are back and now it's time to see a fat sweaty dude fight a fat sweaty dude.

4th match: Big Show vs. Mark Henry

This is basically a preview of Backlash. Crap.

Winner: Big Show via DQ

What's this?! It's The Great Khali, and we're still in the middle of the match. He slams Show into the steps and chops him a few times. Then he chokebombs him. Boy, Backlash is gonna really suck.

Video for Taker vs. Teest. Did you know they've fought before. No, really. Commercials.

Bobby Lashley's got a new "nutrition company". I am anticipating a number of suspensions to come almost immediately.

Back and Cherry is out first, accompanied by Michelle McCool. Holy crap, does Cherry have her own theme music? It's saying Cherry over and over again in it. What, are they planning to break Deuce and Domino up? They can't do that! I love Deuce and Domino's gimmick. Besides, that'd mean that there would be a chance of Deuce and Domino being in two separate matches ever week, and that's just ridiculous. Or, even more unwatchable, a feud between the two. Dear Christ. Victoria is out next with Nasty Neidhart , ready to pop Cherry bloody.

5th match: Victoria w/Nasty Neidhart w/ stupid catchphrase vs. Cherry w/ Michelle Mcool w/ unnessacary push

Cherry is all timid and stuff and Victoria is hilarious mocking her. She shoves her down and gives her a headlock takeover and wrenches her neck while asking "Where's your boyfriend? Where's Deuce and Domino?" as Coach says in recent weeks Deuce and Domino have been hanging out with Maryse instead of Cherry. They must have showed that in a backstage skit or some crap that I ignored, because I don't remember it. Victoria kicks the hell out of her, literally, before going "GOOOOAL!" and slapping her down to the ground while Cherry was sitting on her ass. God Victoria is great. Cherry starts crying and Victoria hilariously tears into her verbally and physically. Cherry gets in a kick and a rollup before getting beat up some more. Coach says Victoria, the veteran and former women's champion, is really starting to come into her own, whatever sense that makes. Victoria camel clutches Cherry before releasing her via busting her face into the mat as Cherry was trying to break it. More stalking and taunting and Nasty says from ringside "YOU MESS WIT DA BEST YOU GO DOWN LIKE DA REST MUAHAHAHAHA". McCool gets up on the apron and Victoria goes to confront her, leaving her legs wide open for Cherry to score- a pinfall.

Winner: Cherry. Commercials.

I DID YOUR MOM-

a favor

BY MAKING YOU-

a sandwich

Back to another crappy outside shot of London with irrelevant facts. "Big Ben is the largest four-sided chiming clock in the world and is located Northeast of the Parliament." Enthralling.

Kozlov comes out with no music or anything. It's like a Latin mass. Except you can actually see someone without his back turned. Sorry, bad analogy. Where the hell did that crap come from.

6th match: Vladmir Kozlove vs. English Jobber

Are you friggin' kidding?

Winner: Take a guess, nimrods.

They had to have him fight a jobber, because making Kozlov fight Paul Burchill, Drew McIntryre, or DH Smith in England would be just plain stupid.

They recap Edge and Taker next. All three Edges are out sitting in the front row to watch the Main Event, which is next. Commercials.

One time in English we had to make an original book of poetry, except I didn't want to and it was the end of the year and I had a 100 average for the entire year anyway, so I instead turned in twelve pages of original comic strips, with a front and back to each page, with three two-line strips on each page, featuring a suitcase marked with To : Peru. A crew of varying strange characters would stare at eachother and the suitcase with no dialogue whatsoever. In the last strip, the suit case was on a bus to Peru, but the bus had a wreck and it blew up, but you see te suitcase lying in the grass unscathed, and I wrote a note at the bottom that said "Should I continue this?" The teacher didn't comment back, but I got a 70 on it, which is just above failing. END STORY.

Back and it's main event time. Batista enters, and The Undertaker does his usual "I can read a Stephen King book before this is over" entrance. Onto the match!

Main Event: The Undertaker vs. Batista

They punched eachother on the outside until the ref counted to ten.

Winner: Draw. They continue to fight around ringside, slamming eachother into stuff, and they battle over near the barricade where Edge and his Heads are sat. Undertaker randomly reaches and grabs Edge from his seat and throws him around ringside. before rolling him in the ring. Batista attacks Taker but the Edgeheads are on him, just because I guess, and he fights them off. Taker gets into the ring and Batista follows. The Edgeheads get beat up some more when they come in, and so do Chavo and his bodyguard who come out just to get laid out. Edge escapes and runs up the aisle just as Vickie Guerrero is being pushed out in her wheelchair by her permanent indentured servant Teddy Long. She has a microphone and tells Batista and Taker that because they attacked paying audience members Edge, Hawkins, and Ryder, the company has been put in legal jeopardy. She then punishes them by making a rematch between Taker and Batista for next week for the World Title. Yeah, take THAT Batista! She then reminds them that the winner will go on to face Edge at Backlash. END SHOW.

Wrestlemania 17: Nothing. Everything sucked.

Wrestlemania 9: Everything.

WM23: Finaly's new gimmick is bad.

The SD rant

Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown. Tonight Cole fights Coach in a battle of insults. The Undertaker faces Festus, the first big man he's ever faced. He's never faced a big, crazy brute like Festus before, right Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, Yokozuna, Khali, Kane, Giant Gonzales and Big Show?





Just in case you thought Taker vs. The hillbilly was the worst part of tonight's show, Khali is out with a bunch of stereotypical Indian dancers. Some guy quotes Ghandi, and talks about the Indian people. Khali talks gibberish, and then Big Show comes out. Khali wants to make a peace offering. He gives him some kind of green water. I'll describe it. You know when you eat broccoli, and your poop is all green. Well, it looks like someone liquidised that. I could've just described it as sewer water, but that's not the way I roll. I roll with the best car ever made- AN '81 HONDA. Man, you'll get a real reputation if you're seen in that thing. Maybe a nerdy reputation, but still...


Anyway, Khali gives Big Show some scotch. Never give a big man liquor. Just look at Mel Brooks. Now, he can't go into a kosher deli without being spat on or cursed at. Big Show takes a sip and he looks like he's going to puke. That's what you get for drinking too much at the post-wrestlemania party! Then the guy gives him a chiken. He says, "Show, with this chiken, you can lay eggs. Or you can just fry it and eat it". Something like that. Then he gives him a goat and says, "This goat has milk, so you will never go thirsty. I know goat milk tastes horrible, but we can't give you a cow!" Touche, mr.Indianguy. We know how much you love cows! Wait, but how come Khali hates Show? Aren't cows sacred in his homeland? Anyway, Show says he has mixed emotions (kinda like Shawn Michaels, "mixed emotions" about his match with Flair, or Hardcore Holly's fan reaction), and he can't describe how he feels, but he can show him. He punches Khali and leaves. Dammit Show, you left the scotch. Know Khali will drink it, get drunk, the he'll terrorize a bunch of people, and in the morning, he won't remember any of it! Commercials!



Here's the umpenteenth match in this best of eternity series:



1st match: Miz and Morrison vs. Wang-Yang and Moore



Holy crap, Shannon Moore actually got in a somewhat less pathetic amount of offense than usual! Nothing new in this match. Yang hit a nice missle dropkick and Morrison did his springboard enziguri thing, but Miz of all people was the one to wrap this up with a Reality Check for the win.



Winners: The Miz and John Morrison. John Morrison and Jim Morrison are basically the same person, except John acts gay and Jim doesn't. Maybe I'll rephrase that...


*Random Note: John Morrison sayed that Jimmy Wang-Yang was a virgin during this match and Michael Cole said, "Well, being a virgin isn't that bad! I'm a virgin and look how I turned out!" Wow, that's the worst self-defense ever. Cole, everyone hates you.

Edge and Vickie are getting massages, and slave Theodorus Longus is in the background. He's a human towel rack. Ha! Commercials.

We are back, and so is Finlay! And his deformed son! And Matt Stryker. Now that I've officially "Debbie Downered" this match, why don't I point out the fact that I've been spelling Matt's name wrong for the last 4 months. Why didn't you tell me?! If a creature like me can't spell, I'll get a summons. Wait, what kind of creature am I? I guess I'm in the opossum category. Ew, I hate those things. Especially dead ones.

2nd match: Finlay w/Hornswoggle vs. Matt STRIKER (why didn't you point that out?): Wacky B.S. match

Finlay and his son play tricks on Striker. I wonder what would happen if I played tricks on a teacher like that. Like putting a thumbtack on his/her chair, or telling the principal that I found an unmarked envelope full of cocaine in his/her mailbox. That would be funny.

Winner: Finlay. Commercials.

We are back and Victoria is with that mystery diva who attack Michelle Mcool last week at Torrie Wilson in September. Toria announces that this new girl is not only her friend, but also the daughter of Jim Neidhart, known to everyone my age as "that fat dude in pink who you never picked in WCW/NWO Revenge". Her name is Natalya Neidhart, they roll a video of Jim Neidhart reminding us why we never picked him in Revenge, and then Natalya says "Mess wit da best, fall like the rest." Quote's a little off, but it's still a step in the right direction towards being awesome. She then ruins any chance at this by going "Hehehe, yeah, baby!" and high-fiving Victoria. Michelle McCool enters now to Candice Michelle's really old theme music. You didn't need to know that, but there you go.

3rd match: The dude that looks like a man w/ the fat pink guy's daughter vs. Michelle Mcool w/bias announcers on her side

McCool comes out pissed off over being jumped last week and takes it to Victoria right away. She lands a dropkick to Victoria's face and sends her out of the ring, where she follows and clotheslines her on the floor. Back in, Victoria puts McCool down with a clothesline of her own and cranes McCool's neck with a hangman's choke...and then just lets her fall despite this being the exact position required to execute her Widow's Peak finisher. McCool then regains the advantage after Victoria sort of throws herself on the ground for some reason after she was whipped to the corner. McCool goes up top but Victoria is up and lands a superplex from the middle rope, or if you want to believe Cole, the top rope. Unless he meant the rope McCool was on, in which case he's right. This time. But I'll catch that guy on some other crap tonight, just you wait. The plex gets two and McCool turns the tide back with a running swinging neckbreaker and not selling crap! Good to see Taker taught her something. She then runs the ropes but Natalya throws her jacket at McCool's back, causing her to turn around and whine, leaving her open for Victoria to sneak a rollup pin with assitance from her tights, letting us see Michelle's butt. Jerry Lawler was probably having improper thoughts while looking at that.

Winner: Victoria. Commercials.

Back and Cole is in the ring with a mic. Cole, just don't screw this up like everything else in your life. He shows us what's been going down between HBK and Batista lately. He then introduces his interview guest Batista, but right after he comes out, Shawn Michaels follows. Batista says they don't need Cole so he obliges the wishes of Batista and everybody else watching by leaving the screen. Don't think I forgot about you, Cole. I promised to insult you tonight over something stupid you say and I intend to. Till then. Michaels says Dave needs to grow the hell up since everybody else has moved on with Ric Flair retiring except him. Amen. Whiny jerk is almost as bad as a newly orphaned six year old, you know? It's like, stop crying to me, your parents are dead, they're not coming back, and you're too young for your testimony to hold up in court so nobody else is going to know I did it, so stop bringing it up to me. We just want some goddamn peace and quiet, me and Shawn. But Batista is on little Timmy's side here and says the blood on Michaels' hands won't wash off this time, which frankly is just bull. Even if it's been on there a few hours, the bits that don't flake off come up immediately with some running water and a paper towel. Batista says he don got no respek for all the times Michaels held people back and backstabbed them because, while Batista is no saint, at least he was MAN NUFF to look the dude in the eye and tell him what was up. I guess shooting an imaginary rifle at Flair wasn't a clear enough messag e that he was looking to hurt him. "Thought he just wanted to play Supa Soakers." HBK then yells he didn't have that luxury because he's a lot smaller and so he took to sacrificing his body and taking shortcuts. He then looks Batista in the eye and wants to make perfectly clear that at Backlash he'll kick his teeth down his throat. Damn what the HELL is a brand extension? Get outta here wit dat jibba jabba, boy. HBK goes to walk away, but comes back with a superkick that is blocked by David oliath and turned into a Batista Bomb, but Michaels slips out of that and hauls ass from the ring as Batista nods and smiles at him, as if that's what he meant to happen. Commercials.

We are back and it's time for everyone's favorite Russian heel to beat everyone's least favorite cruiserweight, Funaki. What do you mean that's not Funaki?! That's a jobber?! Well, I get those two mixed up from time to time.

4th match: Vladmir Kozlov vs. JOBR

Kozlov is the worst. He's like that guy in your neighborhood that is foriegn, creepy, and nice all at the same time. Excpet the guy in your neighborhood wasn't part of the soviet union. Wait, Kozlov's not a soviet. Damn, Deadguy 1313 is making me seem really misinformed today. Oh, Kozlov wins too.

Winner: Read the goddam paragraph.

More Edge and Vickie! The're relaxing the way all socialites do, with salad ingredients on their faces. Long brings them drinks and he's rewarded with slightly used cucumber slices. Now he's got something new to go with his bread ration tonight, that's good. Not as good as having your freedom, but what can he do? Quit? Um, probably. They then make Edge out to be pretty gay. Nail polish on guys is only cool when its black, to show they're suffering inside. Commercials!

Listen, I know that Deadguy 1313 hasn't been appearing on the site. And it's not because I made you all think he was Elliot Spitzer. It's because he's a superhero now. Superhench, to be exact. Here's his slogan:

By day I'm a normal man, but by night I'm superhench, the crimefighting hero. I laugh in the face of danger and pee in the mouth of all evil. I kill the bad guys and I beat decencie's moma with a baseball bat. I make president Bush look like Einstein and Gordom Ramsey look like Paula Abdul.

We are back and MVP's out now in a suit, and he'll be guest commentating Matt Hardy's match with Chuck Palumbo. Forgot about Chuck Palumbo? So did everybody else. Three years ago.

5th match: Matt Hardy vs. Chuck Paluser

MVP's destroying the announcer's reputation here. That is why he should be a face. I mean, once you get past all the leg injuring, the back-sassing, and his cowardlyness, he's a good guy.

Anyway, it's a bore-fest here, and I'm not even paying attention. I've fallen asleep.

Winner: Matt Hardy. I wake up and Cole says, "MVP is tripin', coach". Yes, I knew I would catch him tonight. Well, I already caught him, if you were reading closely. I called him out for yelling at Morrsion. He defended all the virgins of the world. What a tool.

Hardy and MVP will apparently face off next week on Smackdown from London. That's in England for all you globophobes out there. Commercials.

Edge and Vickie are feeding each other Strawberries when we come back. They are about to make a little Edgemeister when TLO kills the mood, yells, and leaves. Then they just go back to having sex.

Main Event: Festus w/Jesse vs. The Undertakka

The bell rings and Festus immediately does his triumphant retard jog over to Taker, who promptly kicks him in the head. Whip off the ropes gets him another. Taker works over Festus's left arm for a bit before executing the Old School as the OUT OF CONTROL RABID INSANE MONSTER FESTUS calmly stands still and watches Taker walk on the ropes, waiting patiently to be attacked. Festus however gets a side slam off an Irish whip and lays into Taker with headbutts and punches. A little later, Festus clotheslines Taker out of the ring, but he lands on his feet and drags Festus out. Festus controls out here, slamming Taker's head into the barricade before sending him back in to bore it up some more. Festus does, and controls the match while doing so, and Taker goes out for a breather, but Festus stays on him before Taker sends him headfirst into the steel steps. Leg drop on the apron follows and then a DDT in the ring which gets two. Cole and Coach are stuck on a loop say ing how impressed they are with Festus. Also making sly hints that Vickie and Edge "may not exactly be watching this match right now, if you know what they mean, heh heh". Jesus Christ there are more punches being thrown in this match than in a boxing match. Festus comes off a whip with a shoulder block that gets two, so he gets Taker on his shoulders for his finisher. Taker escapes and puts Festus down with a chokeslam. The ref counts to two and that crazy ole barely-knows-the-rules monster Festus gets his foot on the bottom rope. He rolls out of the ring and Jesse attends to him. Taker runs Jesse's weird ass off and sends Festus back into the ring where he clotheslines THE DEADMAN. Ref bump here, then a hilarious looking simpleton bicycle kick from Festus. He walks over and stares at Jesse from the ring for a few pointless seconds as Taker sits up. Festus makes his way back over but Taker traps him in his fancy new submission move. Another ref runs into the ring, taps Festus' shoulder, screams "OH MY GOD RING THE BELL!" and this match is over, I guess.

Winner: The Undertaker. The announcers claim Festus didn't understand the concept of tapping out and so stayed in the hold until he passed out. Yeah, sure. He's always conscious enough to know when to get his foot on the bottom rope, but submission, what the hell is that? Jesse lays on top of Festus and begs Taker to leave him alone. Taker continues to pace the ring w ith his title in hand before kneeling with it amidst his blue light and fog. I hope Festus never main events a show again. END SHOW.

HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY: Miz and Morrison vs. The Jobbers was good, I guess.

WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY: Everything sucked tonight. Even the best match.

Remember Akeem?: Ever WWE show is like a city in NY. Raw is like Manhatten, the best. Smackdown is like Brooklyn and Queens. Famous, but no one ever goes there (watches it) or gives a crap about it. ECW is like Harlem in the 70s. Really, really, really bad.

The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Deadpossum





Tee-Hee! I'm Roadkill- not Deadpossum. Since you know that, let's just start again.





Posted by Roadkill





This week, Smackdown is ALL IN THE FAMILY~! Well, if by chance your "family" includes killing your parents in a house fire gone awry, being tragically burned, coming back 20 years later for revenge, forgetting about it so you can ride motorcycles together, remembering it again and burying your brother alive, and he in turn returns from the dead now a zombie again only to end up teaming again a few months later as if nothing happened. Umm, ya. Plus, holy crap!TWO members of the Michaels family on the same episode of Smackdown?! Quick, someone get to the Hickenbottom of this! All this, plus inside jokes that only 2 people will get! But too start off the show, we have Cole and Coach kissing each others asses but berating each other at the same time. It's a very big night tonight because the announcers tell us Smackdown will be getting a special appearance by SHAWN MICHAELS who will talk about Ric Flair even more. Wow, that's almost as good as the last time Shawn Michaels made a special appearance on Smackdown in a cage match. You know, like a month ago.
Edge and the Guerreros are out with their slave, Theodorus Longus, but you don't have to mind him. He just pulls the wheelchair and grows the crop. He's whipped for making Edge fight someone other than Funkai sometimes, and- WAHH! IT'S TOO SAD! THEY TREAT HIM LIKE ABSOLUTE CRAP! Vickie is still in her disabled and in a wheel chair, even though she ran like a nut during Taker's funeral last week. But I knew she had the strength. She does have strengnth, you know. She lost her husband, and with Rey out, she has to take Dominic on her vacations to Disney World and that crap. It's extra hard because Dominic is Rey's size, and sometimes Vickie doesn't see him and steps on him. Hey, at least she can fit Dominic inside her clown car of a car. Anyway, Edge vows to Vickie that he'll win the World Title again, and Chavo vows to get his ECW title back. Yeah, the Guerrero name is ruined because Chavo can't win a mid-card title. (Boy, this is turning out to be more disapointing than Hornswoggle's cruiserweight title reign.) Vickie then announces she has a surprise - they'll both be getting rematches in four weeks at Backlash. I guess they're doing a storyline with Kane similar to that of nobody and Orlando Jordan where every week nobody would beat OJ in even fewer seconds than the week before. Still, Kane pinning Chavo quicker than nine seconds is still going to be tough to do, even if it is Chavo Guerrero at a Pa y Per View. Vickie then announces tonight's Main Event is Undertaker vs Kane in a brother vs brother, champion vs champion, streak vs streak match. The streak being, Kane never having beaten Taker in a singles match. Can the ECW Champion make it happen tonight? I don't know, but I gotta say having the ECW Championship around your waist doesn't exactly put the odds in your favor of winning the match. Or any match. Commercials!





Damn! Hardy vs. MVP as the curtain jerker. Well, I guess they need time for Kane/Chavo part 2 at Backlash.





1st match: Matt Hardy vs. MVP: non-title





They do try to pick up where they should be storyline-wise by really going at eachother. MVP is absolutely livid, while Hardy seems calm but still furious. They start off with brawling and tumble out of the ring, where Hardy busts MVP's SKULL into the ring barricade. He rolls him back in where he delivers an elbow to P coming off a whip, to which Cole states "there's nothing technical here, this match is an all out brawl!" Yeah, the old Irish whip into the elbow takes me back to Abdullah-Brody or Cactus-Fun k. Hardy stays in control, utilizing more than a few headbutts. He takes MVP down after a hard clothesline and MVP rolls out of the ring. Hardy follows him out and nails him in the head with some elbows and sends him back into the ring again. Upon his entering from the apron, P delivers a knee to Hardy's face and delivers a Final Cut to Hardy whose legs were propped up on the second rope. He starts beating Hardy's head into the mat and takes full advantage of his turn to look dominant before throwing Hardy out of the ring, where he smashes his face into the announcer table. Back in the ring he delivers a flurry of elbow drops and a Camel Clutch, but Hardy fights his way up and gets out with a side slam. MVP soon regains the momentum with a big running boot on Hardy for two. Afterwards he starts to stomp his face and comes off the top looking for a Warrior's Way double stomp on Hardy's face but Hardy moves away and clips his knee from behind upon landing.





Cole and Coach seem legitimately pissed off at eachother. Coach criticized Cole's lack of telling a story by saying "What is this, tv or radio? Tell me some story here!" and Cole sarcastically remarked "Wow, sure is hot here tonight!" before dropping a line about Coach not getting to say much at Mania. The two crappiest announcers fighting over who is worse. It's actually rather annoying to listen to, but damn I hope there really is something here and they have to get broken up. Plus it might get JBL the hell away from the WWE Title picture and, more importantly, back in the announcing seat. He was not overrated, seriously.





Anyway, Hardy proceeds to screw up MVP's knee in a multitude of ways before just straight slamming it into the ringpost. Twice. MVP gets up and is selling it by looking uneasy on his feet, but not in that ridiculous oversell to no-sell back and forth sort of way. Hardy plants P with a bulldog for two and so goes back to working the knee. Coach : "I've been told when you've got a guy locked into a move like that and you hear them scream, it-it makes you feel so good." Just in case you thought I was exaggerating about how hell awful he is. P breaks this by pulling his hair, but Hardy keeps on by wrapping P's knee around the ropes from the outside, but P kicks him away and meets him out there to beat him up in front of a little kid in the front row that was just cheering Matt seconds before. Awesome. Upon rolling Hardy back in P delivers a "Wooo!". He gets a two and goes for a clothesline, but Hardy counters with a Side Effect. Second rope elbow to the back of P's head as he was getting to his feet sets up the Tw ist of Fate, but P stops that shit with a clothesline takedown. Great spot followed which saw Hardy in the corner and MVP begin to hobble over for the boot, but Matt runs up and dropkicks his knee, screwing it up even more. Matt Hardy stalks MVP as he was getting to his feet and executes the Twist of Fate as he turned around for the pinfall. Great match.



Winners: ME! COLE AND COACH CAN'T CO-EXIST! And Matt Hardy too. Commercials!





2nd match: Festus w/ Jesse vs. Zack Ryder w/boyfriend





We are back and Festus is in a normal match. Let's see if he looks remotely like a legit singles star, and not just like Eugene on steroids. After the bell rings, I mean, before the bell he looks more like Eugene anti-depressants, also known as just Eugene. Anyway, Festus goes from coma mode to tard mode, hit a sloppy f-5, and wins.





Winner: The one in the tag team. Oh, they're both in tag teams. Well, you figure it out.





My favorite thing about OVW was when they'd have Matt Striker or somebody on and make like it's a big deal. "We have a HUGE star guest commentating today, all the way from Raw, MATT STRIKER!" and Striker would cut a boring promo and everyone would treat him like he's some big celebrity. Actually, that was my second favorite thing about OVW. My favorite thing was all the WWE PPV posters they had hanging up everywhere, except they were advertising shows that happened like a year and a half ago.






Back and the announcers tell us that if Undertaker or Kane refuse to fight eachother, they'll both be stripped of their titles. Since when the hell do they give a crap about eachother? Yeah they team together like twice a year. They're still a soulless zombie and a merciless demon. They're not going to give a crap. Elsewhere, Michaels is on his way to the ring. More commercials.





Back to a recap of Ric Flair's retirement celebration from this past Monday on Raw. Shawn Michaels then comes out and says that all that Old Yeller business may not have been the best way to express how he truly feels about Ric Flair, but he finally got some closure when he went out and hugged him on Raw. He was about to say why the hell he's even here when Batista comes out to say he's glad Michaels got some closure, but he didn't, and neither did other people. He says Sunday was emotional for him because it was the last time he'll ever see his friend and mentor wrestle, and Shawn took that away from him. Well, I mean, there's always DVDs, Batista. Surely there's a lot of Ric Flair's career you missed. Wait, crap, how old is Batista again? Like 40? Maybe there really isn't much left for him to see. Michaels says it wasn't easy for him, but he had to. Batista says Michaels knows he made the wrong decision, but HBK says Flair told him to bring his A-game, and that Batista would have done the same. Batista says he wouldn't have because he'd put his ego aside for friendship. He then says Shawn Michaels doesn't do jobs. Batista said that. Batista. He says Michaels is the most selfish man he knows. Again, Batista said this. He says HBK should've laid down for Flair. Michaels starts to reply but Batista doesn't give a crap and asks Shawn if he meant those Old Yeller comments, if he actually saw Flair as a pathetic, dying old dog. He then throws down the mic and leaves to "a mixed reaction." Aka, it was pretty quiet other than a few boos and one loud jerk cheering his opponent, just because. Basically, he got the typical Hardcore Holly reaction. Commercials!



Holy crap!. Matt Bentley. And that dopey Russian that's been randomly appearing on tv on and off for the past year and a half waving to the crowd. But Matt Bentley! It's about time they brought him aboard, he's really good. Surely you've been expecting WWE to pick up Matt Bentley. You know, the former X-Division champ from TNA? He went by "Maverick" Matt for a bit after TNA started bringing in WWE guys and therefore pushing their original guys down the card? He was in Serotonin with Raven? Oh yeah, and he's also related to Shawn Michaels. There you go.



3rd match: Vladmir Kozlov w/ bad reaction because he's Russian vs. Matt Bentley w/ no popularity at all



Kozlov doesn't get music or a video, but gets a bunch of boos anyway because of the image of the Russian flag that appears up on the area around the video screen. Anyway, Kozlov screws Bentley up for a minute, roaring after every move he does, before pinning him after some type of slam, it was quick and a crappy angle. He's kind of like a Russian version of Heidenreich.


Winner: Vladmir Kozlov



4th match: Moore and Yang vs. Miz and Morrison



Anyway, Miz and Yang start off with Yang looking strong after a Rana. Moore gets the tag and he dropkicks Miz and goes for the cover, but since this isn't 1963, it only gets two. Miz then tags in Morrison who lands a backbreaker and the Soul Kitchen on Moore for the three. What the hell?



Winner: Gay and Gayer. After the squash, The Great Khali came out and into the ring. The tag champs charged but Khali swatted them away. He then destroyed Yang and Moore. What the hell? Khali grabs a mic and mumbles a bit. This brings Big Show out for... some reason, I'm sure, and stares Khali down. He grabs the mic and says that since Khali got in his face on Raw, he's here tonight to get in his face. Then Khali leaves. What the HELL? Commercials...



Guess where Wrestlemania is going to be next year? Houston. Guess what the Main Event will be? Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels. Okay, that match has almost no chance of happening, but damnit, it should. Anyway, Finlay and Hornswoggle are still recovering from getting hit with aluminum trash cans at the hands of JBL at Mania, but they'll return next week. Speaking of which, so we found out Hornswoggle is Finlay's son...that still doesn't answer who the hell Vince's son is. Is this going to be resolved or am I expecting to much? I mean, there was a mother suing Vince and stuff. Did that just go away, or...? Allright, I'll stop overthinking. And by overthinking, I mean thinking.


Teddy Long is out now and he's here to announce the winner of the Diva Contest which, unfortunately, isn't like an opposite Diva Search, in which the girl who wins gets fired. And why would it be? That doesn't even make sense to do it like that. You're an ass. Long introduces some guys who built the motorcycle that the winner will get. Michelle McCool and Cherry, the two finalists, come down. One of the biker guys gets on the mic to announce the winner. Turns out it's Michelle McCool! Between dating Chuck Palumbo and Undertaker, this girl has probably been on more bikes than that guy from that tv. You know, the OCC bike company. But no one gives a crap about that show, so forget it. Anyway, Victoria comes out and says this is crap, she's the number one Diva on Smackdown. She tries to clothesline Michelle but McCool dodges and beats Victoria down, which brings out a MYSTERY DIVA. She beats up both McCool and Cherry before hurling McCool into a ringpost. They did something like this once a few months ago with a mystery Diva helping Victoria beat down Torrie Wilson, and then we never saw her again. I was about to start speculating about a Diva faction but I'm just too damn apathetic. Commercials.

Back! Mania rewind video, followed by Kane's entrance. He apparently had the second fastest win in Wrestlemania history this Sunday. How prestigious it must be to be involved in a nine-second match at the biggest show of the year. Guess Kane got blamed for his Mania match with Khali from last year sucking so bad, whereas Khali was rewarded with a World Title run. Oh well, the ECW Title is still pretty prestigious in that "at least it's not a tag title" sort of way. Commercials.

5th match: The Undertaker vs. Kane

This went pretty much as you'd expect and/or have seen multiple times. Slow, boring, and you don't really care even if you like both guys. However it was a good competetive match in the brother vs brother sense they were trying to make it. By the way, Cole and Coach were still trading sarcastic insults and all around assholishness, and not in that funny JBL berating/threatening Cole sort of way. Like it'll be silent and Coach will say "I don't mean to interrupt you and your commentary, Cole, but I have to point out...". I think these guys seriously hate each other because since they've been commentating together, they've made each other, along with everybody else, realize just how bad they both suck. Anyway, as far as the match went, one cool moment though was when they each hit a big boot on each other and went down as the ref counted, and at seven they both sat up at the exact same time and stared at eachother as the crowd cheered. That actually made me interested to see where it was going to go. Unfortunately, where it went was to hell because the Edgeheads, Chavo, and Edge interfered immediately.

Taker and Kane both get beat down as I realize Chavo and Edge are wearing eachother's shirts. The heels then back off and celebrate but Taker and Kane are back up and fighting. Edgeheads get thrown from the ring and Taker and Kane each land a chokeslam on their Backlash opponent before picking them back up for simultaneous tombstones. After the match the Taker's blue light is cast over the arena and his music plays because, well, come on. The ECW champ's lucky enough to even be on this show. They walk up th e ramp together, belts in hand, and pause at the stage to look back over their shoulders before raising their titles in celebration. END SHOW.

BK: Batista vs. Michaels, MVP vs. Hardy, and Michelle vs. Mccool was good.

Papa John's: I hate Big Show vs. Khali and Chavo vs. Kane.

Remember when Popeyes was popular?: Remember when a wrestler could win a match with a headlock or a bodyslam? That just sucked.

The REAL Smackdown Rant

Posted by Roadkill

Alright! I blew off the SD rant earlier this week by just posting results, but then I realized that what I did was wrong. So here is the REAL SD rant:

Here it is, the WWE's last two hours before Wrestlemania! Time to cram as much crap as they can from all the other shows onto here because, let's face it, Raw kind of sucked, nobody watches ECW, and Smackdown doesn't have anything to offer anyway. The show kicks off with Chuck Paluser, and proceeds to go even farther downhill from there as Kane is making his way down to the ring to trade clubs with some big other guys.

1st match: Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo vs. The Great Khali vs. The guy with a hole for a belly
button: 4 man battle royal

Chavo Guerrero is on commentary for this match because he's the only guy with 24 #1 contenders, and he'll be losing Wrestlemania's curtain jerker. And because there will be a 24 man battle royal at Mania, where the winner will get a shot at him later in the night. This battle royal includes TOP TIER STARS SUCH AS ELIJAH BURKE AND ROBBIE MCALLISTER. I"ll be watching this on WWE.com, just to see if the TNA chants start. That's how you know they're thinking of 'ya, Robbie.

All the heels gang up on the only face, Kane, because we all know that heels and faces are in an endless and pointless war with each other. Just 'cause. Anyway, Paluser is elimanated by Kane. Kane is attacked by Henry and Khali. Kane is making Khali look 1/2 decent. By comparison, I mean. Kane hasn't entertained me since- uhh..., errr..., forget that. Kane is elimanated by Khali and Khali by Henry.

Winner: Mark Henry

After the match, Chavo goes to attack Henry. Chavo comes off the turnbuckle, hoping to take Henry out of Wrestlemania with a crossbody apparently, but he gets slammed right down. Henry stands tall! Sort of! Seriously. Even next to Chavo, he doesn't look much different than Taz. Other than being obviously much heavier. And you can't forget that black hole in the middle of his stomach. Plus a Henry crowd isn't ever exactly like Taz's at Heatwave 98, but screw it. I've already made the comparison and I'm standing by it.

Hey, later tonight, Edge is going to hold a FUNERAL FOR THE UNDERTAKER'S LEGACY! You know, just like Mark Henry did. And Randy Orton the year before that. And everyone he's ever fought at Mania. I WONDER IF THERE'LL BE A CASKET! Commercials!

2nd match: John Morriosn vs. CM Punk

This is like watching that episode of ECW in the summer. Which episode, you ask? EVERY EPISODE! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, their summer fued was good. But the promos sucked. Punk's promos always went like this, "I'm gonna get dat belt, k". Morrison always made a crappy Y2J promo attempt, giving himself nicknames like, "The Shaman of Shitty, The guru of Gay, The Tuesday Night Fright. Ya' know? The kinda fright you get when someone like Herbert from Family Guy goes up to you?". Yeah, I think it went like that.

The briefcase is above the ring. GET IT YOUS GUYS!!! But they don't. Anyway, Morrison stuns Punk with an elbow. Stuff happens, and then the men go outside the ring as we CONVIENENTLY go to commercials.

Back and Punk's got a figure four locked in on Morrison's neck, but Johnny kicks it in nitro and flops himself over, getting his leg on the rope. Punk stays in control with a flapjack and Morrison willingly hurls himself out under the bottom rope to escape from Punk, holding his throat and shoulder. Morrison doesn't only bump like a jerk, but he sells, too! Punk goes out onto the apron in pursuit, but Morrison kicks his leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and Punk falls to the floor. Morrison rolls him back in and sends his shoulder into the steel post and works him over to get a two count. He targets the shoulder with a unique arm wrench. Punk chant starts up as he kicks his way out of it. Morrison off the ropes with a springboard spinning kick attempt but Punk ducks and Morrison kicks air. They exchange kicks and whips until Punk wins with a back body drop. Punk with a monkey flip on Morrison and off the ropes with a low dropkick to his face right after Morrison hit the mat. He follows up by clotheslining him out of the ring.

Punk points at that big orange sign and then the briefcase, but then, instead of going for the briefcase and laying the challenge down now, the fool lands a suicide dive on Morrison on the outside. BUT DON'T YOU WANNA NUTHER ECW TITLE REIGN?! Apparently not, because Punk continues to go after Morrison, stalking him up the ramp as he begs off before grabbing him and rolling him back into the ring. Springboard clothesline is ducked by Morrison, but Punk rolls clear and is up to meet Morrison's charge with a p owerslam for two. The crowd is loud, for excellent reason. They exchange a few pin attempts. SHADES OF MALENKO-BEN, ER...JAMIN. I said Benjamin, Shelton Benjamin. You mean you didn't see their feud? It was all over No Heat. Don't tell me you don't watch Heat?! Ah, well. Anyway. Punk shoulder breaker gets him another nearfall. He charges Morrison in the corner and Morrison gets his foot up, but Punk stops himself. Morrison gets a backbreaker-neckbreaker combo for two. He lands a couple kicks to Punk's face before Punk gets him up into the fireman's carry, and the crowd pops, more because they've been trained to do so at this sight by Lesnar and Cena than actually caring about the GTS, but whatever. Morrison reverses with a rollup and Punk kicks out. Slingshot into corner, Pepsi One bulldog plunges Morrison down, and Punk goes for the cover as if he's ever won a match with the bulldog. Morrison kicks out, leading to a huge Punk chant as he sets Morrison on the top turnbuckle. They trade punches and chops over control before Punk lands a huge fucking Rana off the top. Double count now, but Punk crawls over and drapes his arm across Morrison, but he kicks out with his hips. That's a weird thing to say, but it's what he did. Both men up and Morrison counters the GTS by hammering elbows into Punk's head. He goes for the Soul Kitchen but Punk reverses into a quick GTS and falls to his knees to catch his breath before pinning Morrison for the well-deserved win, with every person in the crowd counting the three.

Winner: C- M- Punk. Nananananananananaaaaaaa! His music is so bad. Anyway, this is a well deserved win. Why do they even bother with guys like Henry and Palumbo? I thought this match would get a fat sack of crap fired, but I'm wrong. I hate SD. I loved this match. But I especially hate SD. But I especially love this match. But I- COMMERCIALS!

3rd match: Kofi Kingston, Jesse, and Festus vs. Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, and The Miz

I don't watch ECW, so this is the first time I'm watching Kofi. He's such a stereotype. Just like every other foriegn wrestler in WWE. If he's this bad, then why did Cade and Murdoch come from Raw just for a cup of Kofi? Makes no sense.

Cade and Festus to start things off, and Cade admittedly cracks me up in his surprise over Festus' transformation. Festus chases him around the ring and back inside slams him. Murdoch comes in illegally to get slammed as well, and Miz gets uppercutted off the apron, just because. Jesse gets the tag and comes in with a crap like neckbreaker. I've never seen Jesse do anything that didn't convince me they pulled him out of OVW basic training early to stick him on TV. Anyway, he puts Cade in a headlock that goes nowhere and proceeds to get torn up by the heel team between tags because, well, that's just what Jesse does. He meets his "partner in peril" equal in Murdoch, and they screw around for a bit before Kofi gets the tag.

Kofi comes in off the top turnubuckle with what looked to be a karate chop on Murdoch's arm. He reverses a whip into a crossbody pin on Murdoch for two. Apparently satisfied with his Smackdown debut, Kofi tags Jesse back in because tagging in the big fucking monster who never sells shit and always kills everybody is just too obvious. It has no tact. Jesse and Murdoch underwhelm everyone some more before Jesse goes up top, only for Miz to hilariously shov e him off from the apron and Jesse goes tumbling to the floor. Good. I hate Jesse. Miz got the tag I guess and so he rolls Jesse back in. Miz hides the fact that he sucks even worse than Jesse by angrily kicking and shoving Jesse a lot before quickly tagging back out to Lance Cade. He controls Jesse of course before tagging in Murdoch and lifting him up for an assisted leg drop for the two. I swear to God it sounded like Murdoch yelled "Steal our gimmick boy, huh?" Seriously. Youtube that stuff. I'm too lazy . Jesse crawls toward his fellow gimmick thief but Miz is in to stop the hand transaction. He is on (basic) offense again and resorts to grinding his, um, mittens? into Jesse's face. Jesse escapes with a jawbreaker and tags in Kofi while Festus was busy getting bitchslapped by Cade on the outside. He comes in with what look to be, I'm going to sound like a fucking idiot, they look like horizontal karate chops. Like a Flair chop if Flair turned his hand sideways. He springs off the top turnbuckle with a big sunset flip on the Miz for two. Unnecessarily energetic Russian leg sweep, and then Kofi does what appears to be a sort of Scotty to Hotty tribute by going "Oh, oh, OH!" and dancing over Miz before landing a double leg drop to his stomach. This guy jumps around like a monkey. I guess they still live in the trees in Jamaica. Cade and Murdoch jump Koko before he can pin Miz, but Festus is in to mow them down. The ring is cleared save for Kofi and Miz, and Kofi hits a nice leaping kick to the face of Mizanin for, um, the three? Well, that was anti-climactic.

Winner: The Jobbers and The Hillbillys. Oh sorry, that was both teams. Kofi, Jesse, and the retard.

Is Kofi high all the time cause he's Jamaican? That must be why he's a winner! Getting high could never hurt anyone!


3rd match: Batista vs. Shitsky

Batista hits the powerbomb.

Winner: Batista. It's so stupid that they spent all of last year building him up and pushing him, and know h's nothing but a jobber. Then Teest powerbombs him onto a steel chair. Just befriggin'cause. Commercials!

Remember that time CM Punk rode to the ring as one of John Cena's gangsters in the main event of Wrestlemania 22? Yeah, that's as close as Punk is ever going to get to the main event of Wrestlemania.

4th match: Cherry and Michelle Mcool vs. Maryse and Victoria

Yeah, right.

Winners: What are you, stupid.

5th match: Chris Jericho vs. Montel Vontavious Porter; MVP vs. Y2J; The U.S. vs. Every other country; Codebreaker vs. Jailbreaker; Walls of Jericho vs. Walls of Prison; Lionsault vs. Violent assault;

We start off with a commercial. Damn.

Hey, want to see a bad movie? Go on adultswim.com and watch ATHF:MFFT. That show is great. Hey you know what's better than a ATHF classic? Nothing. You know what's funnier than a new ATHF episode? Everything.

They're playing up the fact that these guys don't like eachother with a lot of stiff reversals and angry-sounding grunting. I mute the tv. Not because of the grunting, but because Coach and Cole just repeated the Money in the Bank rules and list of competitors for the third goddam time since the last commercial break, so, yeah. Screw that crap. They stay on eachother for a bit until they wind up in the corner and the ref breaks them up. A bitchslap from MVP gets him taken down and they exchange punches. Jericho's elbow busts P in the face, so MVP catches his breath on the outside where he makes a gesture that the announcers say is the NBA signal for a time out. I don't know, I don't watch sports, ever, but there you go. Jericho dropkicks his ass through the middle rope and lands on his feet on the outside - that could've easily screwed up. Y2J slams MVP's head into the announcer's table and goes back in, content with a count out win. P is up on the apron and Jericho looked for his springboard dropkick, but MVP stopped that with a nice looking boot to Jericho's throat. No, really. It actually did connect there, and not in the abdomen but Cole says it's the throat or temple anyway. I muted him, remember? That gets two, and Y2J regains control and charges at P in the corner, but P dodges and Jericho hits the turnbuckle and goes on tumbling to the outside as we go to commercials.

Why did the Reese's break up with the Hershey's Kiss? He couldn't get past second base. Hope you liked that, because I'm still on that pro-writing gig. Remember that? I ended that gimmick of mine 6 weeks ago, but know I'm haunting you once again with my hiku's and poems and paragraphs.

Back and MVP's got Chris Jericho in a sitting abdominal stretch. He gets to his feet and escapes only for MVP to knee him in the head as Jericho charged. He drops some knees and picks up a couple nearfalls before getting in Jericho's face and trashtalking while pounding away on him. P stands Jericho up and gets in more punches before Jericho reverses a whip into a rollup for two. MVP up with an eye poke and a knee to the face. BALLIN elbow drop gets two, so he whips Jericho into the corner and goes for his running boot but Jericho dodges and P's leg gets hung up before he limps away. Jericho off the top with a forearm to MVP's back that would have been much, much cooler if it was a bulldog, but it wasn't a botch.

I'll admit it, I unmuted it back when MVP was trashtalking, and now I'm pissed off again. The announcers say Jericho's been in ladder matches before (without mentioning he invented MITB, but that is to be expected) and then repeat the goddamn rules of it AGAIN. What the hell, either these guys are sweating for something to say, or they suffer from severe short-term memory loss. Back to mute. Now, back to the match. Jericho and MVP exchange control with big moves. A big clothesline from Jericho got him a nearfall, but MVP put him back down with a release belly to belly suplex. Jericho gets two off a Northern Lights Suplex pin. Pretty awesome that I know that move's name. Go customizable movesets on vidya games! Enziguri and bulldog from Y2J but MVP gets his knees up to block the Lionsault, which Jericho sells by standing completely upright before taking a knee and gasping. It sounds like shit but it looked good. Huge running boot puts Jericho down and he b arely kicks out. P dragging J to his feet leads to an attempt to get MVP in the Walls, but P kicks him away and nailed a second huge running boot to Jericho's face for another two. Playmaker set up but Jericho spins out and locks in the Walls of Jericho for all of three seconds. MVP grabs the bottom rope and goes out on the apron, guillotining Jericho when he came over to him. He walks off and grabs both belts, throwing the Intercontinental belt into the ring and entering holding his own. The ref confiscate s Jericho's belt but P charges with the US title. Jericho however counters the charge with a Codebreaker that sent P's face into his own belt.

Winner: They didn't say, so I'll go with The Highlanders. They could use a win.

Cole states MVP has been disqualified (you got me, I don't literally mute the tv, but that's not because they don't suck, I'm just really lazy) and Jericho cracks up laughing. He then goes out and pulls out a ladder, to which Cole exclaims "THE LADDER IS USED TO RETRIEVE THE BRIEFCASE." Muted. Really. No, really. Jericho runs at P and the ladder bounces off his head, putting him down. Jericho then poses over MVP, holding up the ladder like a ridiculously heavy belt, before throwing it down and posing on the turnbuckle. He makes his exit looking back and forth between his Intercontinental belt and the briefcase. That was pretty cool. But up next - crap we don't give a crap about!!! Commercials!!!

Back to John Legend reminding us he'll be at Wrestlemania this Sunday, just in case there was anyone on the fence about buying it.

And now, for your main event, Edge is out! In a suit. Damn, that's right. His lackeys only get dress shirts. Edge has got his solemn sunglasses on and enters the ring, where there's a casket and candles and a Taker portrait and potted plants and all that spooky shit. There's also Vickie in a black veil. She looks like the unlovable child of Elvira and Pugsley Addams. She's still in her wheelchair and is still legal owner of her "servant" Teddy Long, who is out in his best and only suit. He introduces Vickie as SD! GM and the World Heavyweight Champion Edge. Edge proceeds to go on about Taker's Wrestlemania Streak, including listing all his victims and saying "the annals of history", just like every year. And I cringe, just like every year. He then gets all worked up and angry and says all of Taker's accomplishments will be eclipsed by THE RATED ARRR SUPERSTAARRR, and kind of spit when he said it. Edge is crazy. He hands the mic to Vicky and she talks him up, leading to him nuzzling her neck, which makes her t hrow her head back and laugh, giving us all a clear shot of those great big old horse teeth. Watch your fingers, Edge! She says "the boys and I have a surprise for you", and a video is played showing, The Undertaker Tombstoning people. The end of the video stated that Edge is a beacon of hope against Undertaker, and he will become a legend. Edge is near tears upon watching it and hugs his man-children. He then turns to Vickie and says she truly is the love of his life. He then speared her out of her goddam chair.

Goddamnit why couldn't that be true? I hate Vickie, and I really don't want to recap that stupid wedding. What's he need her for now anyway? Ah, well. Maybe after Wrestlemania. Anyway, what actually happened was Edge licked Vickie's face until Undertaker's gong donged. The lights dimmed a dark blue and Edge directed both Edgeheads to immediately leave the ring and hurry up the entrance ramp. Well, SURPRISE! To someone, somewhere, maybe. Taker gets up out of the casket and punches Edge in the corner as the Edgeheads rush over to get beat up on as well. Taker then lifts Edge up and, in the most assisted chokeslam ever, gently sets him in the padded cushiony casket. Teddy gets right the hell away when Taker turns his attention to Vickie, and she follows by getting up out of her chair and sort of oozing out of the ring. It was pretty awkward. Taker then busts one Edgehead through the podium and tombstones another as we see Edge, um, "recovering" and making his escape from the ring while the other Edgehead also received a tombstone. Taker then stares Edge down from the ring, but decides he doesn't care enough to go after him. Kneel pose, eye roll, and this has been the last stop on the Road to RASLMANIER folks. Hope you enjoyed, um, something, somewhere? END SHOW.

Dane Cook: Punk vs. Guru of Gay Morrison was good.

Carrot Top: ECW'S stacks of crap division.

Remember Jim Gaffigan?: I remember years ago on Raw when Stevie Richards would get in a dress and interfere in Victoria's matches for a few weeks and the announcers were like "Who is this mystery woman?", and then one time he did it and the camera closed up on his face, but it was covered so you couldn't see it, except a guy in the crowd right behind him clearly shouted "STEVEN RICHARDS, HEY! HEY IT'S STEEEVEEEN RICHARDS!" so loudly King had to acknowledge it and was like "Hey, do you think it could be Steven Richards, JR?" and JR said "Well, uh, well frankly I don't know what to think." That was amazing.

The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Roadkill

Sorry guys, but I have to think up ideas for our 200th blog spectactular. So I'm just posting the results.

Mark Henry wins 4 man battle royal

CM Punk vs. John Morrison

Kofi Kingston, Jesse and Festus def. Trevor Murdoch, Lance Cade, and Miz

Batista def. Snitsky

Cherry and Michelle Mcool def. Victoria and Maryse: Specail ref Eve/ Water gun match

Chris Jericho def. MVP via DQ

The Smackdown Rant: 3/21/08 episode

Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown, losers. We see Batista vs. Umaga in an animated match. No Batista didn't suddenly grow charisma, or learn how to cut a promo. It's a Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 match. Batista wins. But for now, the real Batista faces Duece 'n' Domino, just in case some people are late getting to the arena.





1st match: Batista beats, I mean vs. Duece 'n' Domino





Batista isn't Big Show, so this match involves tagging in and out. It's pretty good for a squash match. Batista loses at first, but then he throws Domino into a pole and Batista Bombs Duece. But don't think Domino was hurt from the pole. He sees Duece's every night.





Winner: Batista





Hey, it's Maryse! She was voted the world's crappiest diva that the fans don't want to see, but she's still here. That only because she's "doing TLO favors". Oh, you saw it. A month ago she said she wanted to show him something, and went behind a locked door with him. Anyway, she reminds Cherry that Duece 'n' Domino just lost. But that's just because she's french and doesn't like stereotypical Americans- DUECE, DOMINO, CADE, MURDOCH. She then says the Diva Contest Competition Extravaganza or whatever the hell that takes up an entire segment every week is rigged, which frankly that is just crap. WWE may have Michelle McCool win everything and have her strip the longest and have the announcers put her over as an orgasm personified, but damnit, extreme bias is where they draw the line! They do have morals, Maryse. She then calls Cherry a dog and leaves. You know, it'd probably be easier to boo Maryse if the Diva she called a dog, well, wasn't one. Commercials!



We are back and it'sVickie's slave, Theodorus Longus. Without his master! Run, TLO, run! There's a vacant barn down the block! But, he doesn't run. But the lake's only half a mile from here! Still, he stays put, because he has to watch a bunch of prostitutes arm wrestle each other. Yes, it's the 3rd part of the "Divas do crap while you take a crap and get a snack" tournament. This time, it's an arm wrestling tourny. Because the divas can't actually wrestle each other. No, no. Even though it would probably be the best match tonight (look at the card). Anyway, Victoria beats Eve by blowing her. Michelle beats Cherry, and then beats Victoria. As if you didn't think she would win. Come on, the announcers are bias when it comes to her, and she wins like every match. Then Victoria is elimanated, and goes into a rampage, but Michelle stops her. SuperMcool does it again! Her kryptonite- none! Her talent- dry in that department too! Commercials!




Back to the same crap about Big Show and Floyd Mayweather they've run ad nauseum. A giant threw a skinny dude whose never wrestled before and a bunch of guys broke his fall? Crap, where's my check book?!


And now for a match we've seen ad nauseum since Big Show's returned - Big Show vs Some Cruiserweights. Holy crap, that's the Naturals! And some other dude. But the Naturals!

Actually I wasn't a huge fan of them in TNA. They were basically just a way to have America's Most Wanted not have the tag titles for a few months, before winning them again in tremendous fashion, of course. Oh, well. Pink bandanas are still kind of cool, I guess. They also show an interview with Chris Jericho where he says Big Show is strong.


2nd match: Big Show vs Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas & Other Guy.

Show throws them all around before landing a Final Cut on Stevens. He then chops the other guy before sending both him and Stevens out of the ring. A punch to Douglas's face gets him the win.



Winner: Show. As if he was gonna lose. Commercials!



3rd match: Edge vs. Funaki



Edge hits tombstone, mocking Taker.



Winner: Edge. This is the night of the living squash matches.

Listen, I'm a busy man. Here are the rest of the results:

Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo: No contest
Miz and Morrison def. Jesse and Festus
The Undertaker def. Chavo Guerrero

Sorry, but I promise next week will be very funny.

The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Deadopossum





Hello, it's me, with the Smackdown Rant! Roadkill does this every week, but this week, he is somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, so I'll be recapping the worst show on televison.





Did you dummies believe me?! It's still Roadkill! If you've been reading, you'd know that I've been blogging as deadopossum for over a week! I think this is illegal, so I'll just start over again. Forget this ever happened.





Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown! The show where it's normal for women in bikinis to wrestle. Speaking of women in Bikinis, it's time for pt.2 of the SD diva contest, hosted by Maria. One diva will be elimanated tonight. That diva is Maryse. (That elimanation only furthers the "Wrestling is Gay" arguement.) As she leaves, we start an obstacle couse. You must run throught the tires, go through the sack, and then climb THE WALL OF DOOM! Dum-Dum-Dum! Fastest time wins. Everyone has okay time, but then it's Michelle Mcool's turn. She goes through the tires, is pretty good in the sack (not what I mean- get your head outa the gutter), and climbs over the wall. Anyway, the winner is of course Michelle McCool, and for winning she gets...absolutely nothing. What the hell was the point of that, to show off their athletecism? Hey I have an idea, if you want to do that why not put the wrestlers in, I don't know, a wrestling match? You know, other than the fact that they don't know how to wrestle.


In the back now Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels hug. Flair's hair is looking especially yellow tonight. They'll be taking on Edge and his Heads later on in a handicap cage match tonight, which is non-career threatening by the way, just in case you thought there was any chance of Flair winning that. Flair doesn't want either of them to be injured before Wrestlemania because he wants the match to be great, and Michaels says between his bum knees and Flair's bad back, they'll be lucky to make it down that extra l ong ramp at Mania, let alone put on a good match. Flair agrees and they toast glasses of Wine as we hobble on to commercials.





We are back, and look. It's Moore Yang. But where's Duece and Domino. HUH! IT'S A MIRACLE...





1st match: Shanon Moore and Jimmy Wang-Yang vs. The Big Show





My uncle knows Show's cousin, so I can't really make any fat jokes. Besides that, I think you know how this goes.





Winner: The Big Show



Commercail!



We are back and this guitar riff can only mean one thing! The creative team doesn't know who Jim Morrison is!



2nd match: Miz vs. Morrison: MITB qualifier



Well, the Cole announces that Miz and Morrison will lose their titles to Jesse and Festus next week. I see the Guru of Gay and his partner breaking up. Anyway, who cares about this match? I'm not even gonna recap it.



Winner: Jim, I mean John Morrison. Good, quick match with a nice ending sequence. I wish Morrison would somehow tweak his gimmick enough to not just make me want to laugh/cringe during interviews and stuff, but regardless, his matches are always fun. Commercials.



Back to more Hornswoggle crap. Finlay is distraught over his son in the hospital and looks vicious as he threatens JBL at Mania. Finlay is good. It's too bad this feud is over a leprechaun bastard son. By the way, was it ever really explained why JBL decided just to jump in here or, what the hell? Anyway, MIXING THINGS UP now with MVP-Batista. Again. But it's No DQ, though! It'll be different, honest! Please don't change the channel to Survivorman! No can do, exclaiming Smackdown hawker. Oh wait , the US Title's on the line? Allright, Matt Hardy will be back tonight, I'm sure of it! They show footage of P defeating Jamie Noble at a house show to gain entrance into the Money in the Bank match. Just in case you thought they were actually going to have a Wrestlemania where a championship other than a world title was defended.



3rd match: Batista vs. MVP: United Staes title/No holds used match



Last week I said that if this match sucked enough, and Matt Hardy didn't return, I would express my Frustration in capitals.



GODDAMIT! MATT HARDY AIN'T BACK! TEEST DIDN'T WIN! WWE IS LIKE SHAQUILLE FREAKIN' O'NEIL AND A FREE THROW- IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Anyway, Umaga comes out and spikes Batsita, so MVP can get the pin.



Winner: NO ONE! MVP IS THE CENA OF THE MID-CARDERS! Commercials





Back in time for a super important tag match, because all four guys involved will be fighting eachother at Wrestlemania! Along with every single other undercard guy on the WWE roster. They'll all be competing in a big ass thrown together Battle Royal, AT WRESTLEMANIA, to determine who will face ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero later that night. At Wrestlemania. Because only SOME belts get actual title programs. All brands are equal, though!



4th match: Kane and a mouse vs. Khali and Mr.Domestic Violence... Violence



Kane and Palumbo start things off. Born of Fire vs Born to be Mild! Kane with a side slam, etc. on Chuck. He tags to Noble who lands a crossbody on Palumbo. He recovers quickly since he's of a higher weight class and drills Noble with a clothesline. Khali gets the tag and chops up Noble, Flair-style not Dahmer-style, just in case you thought Khali came in with a machete I guess. Noble STILL has trouble grasping his disadvantages as a cruiserweight, so Khali puts him down and explains to him why the fans onl y like big guys who stumble a lot and how nobody gives a shit about cruiserweights, ever. But since Khali doesn't speak English, he explains this by grabbing Noble's neck and squeezing the nerves. Kane comes in to stop that crap though, but Palumbo is in to do battle with Kane. In the meantime, Khali just plants Noble with the chokebomb for the pin.

Winner: Khali and Chuck Paluser. Where is the bike gang?

Chuck and Khali hilariously highfive eachother after the match. Not as good as Khali bumping knucks, but gold nontheless. Commercials.

We are back and it's main event time! No, it's not like last week's 3 on an old guy match. This week, there are 2 old guys! And there's a cage! And the ECW champion! And it's non-career-threatning! And there are 2 mid-carders! But will the unforgiving cage forgive anyone?

MAIN EVENT: Chavo Guerrero, Edge, Zack Ryder, and Curt Hawkins vs. Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels: Steel Cage match

Chavo climbs over the cage to get in, and serves his team by getting chopped down just like the rest of the Edges. Flair makes a break for it by scaling the cage, but Edge goes up to meet him. Flair chops Edge down though, but Chavo is there to bring Flair back down to the mat. Flair battles the champions while Michaels is taking on the Edgeheads. Edge then attacks HBK and the Heads go after Flair, while Chavo proves to be a worthless contribution to his team by sniveling on the ground. Edge whips Michaels to Chavo, who back body drops him into the cage wall. Edge then puts down Flair with a spear and so everyone turns to Michaels. He gets beat down and tied up in the ropes for Edge to deliver a spear on Michaels into the cage wall. Flair starts to recover so the Edgeheads beat him down. If you combined their ages, Flair would still have over a decade and a half on them. I bet Flair's feeling like an old man at night in a city park right about now. Edge brings Flair over to Michaels who is still tied up and t ells HBK to "watch this". All four guys lift Flair up and hurl him headfirst into the cage. Awesome. Flair is covered in blood and Edge goes for a mock pin on him in front of Michaels, then lifts up saying "Oh no no no!" and continues the beatdown. Man I love Edge. Michaels escapes from the ropes just in time for Chavo to tie him back up and choke him. The Edgeheads take turns grinding Flair bloody face into the cage wall. He then collapses between the cage wall and the ropes in a pool of blood. This is great! Edge turns to HBK and goes for another spear, but Shawn stops that crap with a kick. He gets untangled and takes on all four guys until Edge manages to whip him into the corner and he lands upside down like he always does. Elsewhere, as in three feet away, Flair is laying into the Edgeheads with chops, but the Champions are ignoring that crap. Chavo holds Michaels upside down in the corner and Edge connects with another spear. Edge then rescues the most pathetic wrestling clones since Fake Kane from Flair's stumbling, choppy um "onslaught" by hurling Flair across the ring into the cage wall. Dear God, why don't they do this every week?! Just all the crappy people you're tired of seeing, put them in some insane match and watch them get beaten up. Next week : Triple H and Batista vs The Entire WWE Roster, shoot fight grudge match! But that's undoubtedly for next week so I'll talk about it then, back to the current main event, Chavo and Edge hug while HBK escapes from the tree of woe in the corner. He and Chavo battle on the turnbuckle until Michaels slams Chavo's head into the cage, but collaspes right afterward. It is at this point that I finally mute the television. Cole and Coach are unbearable during a great match. Anyway, the Edges continue the assault on Flair while Chavo goes up top for the frog splash on the stroked out Michaels...who was getting to his feet when Chavo jumped. HBK catches him with a dropkick in midair, which Chavo sells like a gunshot, and Flair simultaneously lands a lowblow on Edge. Screw comebacks, I want to see an absolute squash here. Flair then throws Edge into both Edgeheads who were standing on the turnbuckle for some retarded aerial move setup I guess, and they get crotched on the rope. It's low blows all around (This isn't going to help the WWE with the "Wrestling is Gay" arguement)! Shawn Michaels continues this method of attack with a series of inverted atomic drops. He then busts Edge and Chavo into the cage, goes up top, and lands the elbow drop on an Edgehead. He then starts stomping the ground, but Edge is up and charging for a spear. HBK sidesteps and propels Edge onward into Chavo, who sells it like a someone tossed him the remote and he missed it and it instead tapped him in the stomach. Flair with a lowblow on the other Edgehead and the actual Edge. HBK and Flair each lock in a figure four on the two instead of, you know, escaping this fucking cage of death. Chavo Guerrero promptly stops that with a double frog splash. Edge is crawling towards the door when suddenly the lights go out, and when they come back on Undertaker is in the ring. He goes for a chokeslam on Edge, but gets jumped by the three remaining guys. Great plan, Taker, jump into a fight where you're outnumbered without a weapon or anything. Why the hell does he always turn the lights back on? Surely if he can summon lightning and rise from the dead, he can see in the dark. He brushes this off and lands a double chokeslam on the Edgeheads while Edge was ascending the cage. Chavo lunges at Taker while he was going for Edge and he gets tombstoned for his nobility. He then turns his focus back on Edge, but it's too late. Edge is over the top and out on the floor for the win.

Winners: Chavo Guerrero and 3 Edges. Good Match. END SHOW

Billy and Chuck: Great main event. MVP and Batista had their best outing yet.

Cade and Murdoch: Cole and Coach. Cole has been sucking for over 10 years, and who knows why Coach is still in WWE. He sucked as GM of Raw and he is a worse announcer. He should just stick with that gig he has with MSG and the New York Knicks.

Remember MNM?: I'm just going to rant about the announcing some more. Why is there so little emphasis on this? And it can't be a difference in opinion. NOBODY can think Cole and Coach sound good. At all. Ever. Nobody can. It's ridiculous and retarded sounding. They shouldn't be out there at all, but even the other shows' announcers aren't as good anymore. ECW is absolutely unlistenable (as opposed to just unwatchable) and both ECW and RAW sound weird as hell sometimes, some of the things those four say are so unnatural for them it's hilarious. But while the problem with some of it might be overscripting or stupid guidelines on what to say, the thing with Smackdown is even if you let the guys go out there by themselves, they'd still be crap. They're just bad announcers. Coach especially, but him being hurled out there isn't really his fault since he's always been crap. But Cole's been a lead announcer for almost a decade. He should be able to call a great match and not detract from it . Or at the very least hear himself and know when to shut the hell up. I can usually ignore it because Smackdown is almost always full bad matches and so it doesn't really ruin anything much, you just think "Man does Cole su-DEAR LORD IS THAT KHALI WITH THE WORLD TITLE?!" but the crap really shines through when there's something great going on you want to see and have to mute the TV just to be able to sit and see it.