Stone Cold and Debrah's wedding

Posted by Majoordood

Hey people. The Smackdown Rant will be coming later in the week. In Roadkill's area (New York) Smackdown didn't air last night, but it will air tonight. Roadkill is said to be in his storage closet, crying. Anywho, it's still wedding month here on deadopossum, so today I'll be recapping Stone Cold and Debrah's wedding.

Stone Cold comes down the isle. Howard Finkel says, "Making his may to the altar, Stone Cold Steve Austin".

The best man is a can of beer.

Stone Cold gives everyone the finger and stunners the flower girl on her way down the isle.

Every time the priest says Stone Cold's name, JR screams, "STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!"

When the priest turns to read the John 3:16 passage, he finds John's name scratched out and replaced with Austin.

When it's time for the couple to kiss, Austin just punches his new mate.

Chuck Palumbo's present to Austin is a baseball bat. His card reads, "Steve, the present will come in handy when you start to hate each other." Wow, I guess Chuck was right.

Years later, JR and King are calling all the great matches between Steve and Debrah. They call every shot, from the first punch to the chair shot to the lamp-over-the-head to the knife-to-the-neck.

WWE Wedding

Posted by Roadkill

Alrighty, I am officialy declaring this month Wedding month. To kick off Wedding month, we recapped HHH and Steph's wedding. Today, we recap TLO and Kristal's September Wedding:

Welcome to Smackdown's wedding from hell. The old guy and the hot young girl. Kinda like Anna Nicole and that old hag. But as far as WWE weddings go, it reminds me of the Lita/Kane wedding. Or the Edge/Lita wedding. Or Edge's next wedding with Vickie. Damn, all these wrestlers must be poligamysts. Anyway, everyone comes out and sits down. Balls Mahoney is wearing his trashy clothes with a tie on. Vince doesn't seem too pleased. Hornswoggle places a giant book on his seat and happily plants his ass next to Coach. Good thing there's commercials to help ready myself for this disaster.

Damn, we're back. TLO, with a plastered on smile, comes out and goes up to the altar. Then he makes a wrestler he doesn't like fight The Undertaker. Then he makes Kane fight MVP again. Alright, I made the last part up, but don't you think he should've. It'd be like, "I do- oh, and before I forget, Mark Henry, it's gon' be a hellofa match at Unforgiven because you are fighting- THE UNDERTAKAA. Now holla that, playa."

Bruce Bruce then announces in the funniest voice ever, "Alright everybody... here comes the bride!" Kristal very, very slowly makes her way out. Kristal trips on the steps, and I nearly die laughing. This ceremony has finally started. Wait, no it hasn't. Goddam Jagged Edge has to sing some R and B song. They start out with, "Wave ya hands, now. " And that's how you know a band sucks. Everyone is waving their hands. It looks beautiful, until Jeff Hardy ruins it with his

crazy, slow-motion spastic retard waving dance move that is just embarrassing to even witness.

Just about the funniest thing here so far is Vince waving his body from side to side as everyone else is just waving his or her arms. Oh god, here comes Jillian with one of those face-microphones. Jillian calls the Jagged Edge performance "horrendous.” Everyone pleads with Jillian to not sing. As Jillian sings horribly, she is dragged the hell out of there by Candice and some chick I couldn't really see (Mickie?). Bruce Bruce declares that Jillian's singing was the worst he's ever heard. Can't disagree there. Hornswoggle smacks Coach upside the head, which gets what's probably the first Hornswoggle chant ever. Bruce Bruce asks if anyone objects to Teddy and Kristal being wed, and Godfather's music subsequently plays. I'm surprised he hasn't been arrested for msex trafficing yet, HARDBODY HARRISON. He goes up to the ring with a bunch of prostitutes, much to the divas demise. (By the way, Tommy Dreamer looks straight up Pimpin' with his suit and hat on. I guess he'll marry a hoe after they accidentally have a kid, and then he'll be known as the "Innavator of Domestic Violence".) Godfather tries to persuade Teddy to take a ride on the Ho Train. Teddy's a one-woman man now, so Godfather instead gets every male wrestler in attendance to follow the Ho Train to the back. Hilariously enough, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco do not tag along. I know this'll come as a shock to most of you, but the crowd is just about 80% dead for this dragged-out segment. I didn't hear them myself, but a few other Smackdown reports say that the crowd was chanting "we want wrestling!" Those friggin' ingrates. What the hell do they think this is - a wrestling show? Hornswoggle and Coach get into a cat fight now, and Hornswoggle goes under Kristal gown. Teddy goes into angry Fiance mode, and pulls out a pocket knife. "Get away from my girl, or I'll bust you up." Hornswoggle cries, so he just makes him fight Kane and The Undertaker in a handicapped match. Okay, that never happened. Coach actually crawls into the dress as well. Dear Lord in Heaven. Vince and Coach chase Hornswoggle to the back. This is the most disastrous wedding I've ever witnessed. Bruce Bruce finally gets to the I Dos. Kristal, of course, says I do. At this point, I turn to my little sister and say, "I'll bet you this jerk passes out right now." Teddy then says, "I.... I..." and passes the hell out. Thank you, come again. I must be some kind of gifted psychic or something. After a fit of hysterics from Kristal (looks like Teddy made Kristal "holla" after all!), EMTs tend to the fallen Teddy. Good thing that suicide watch is in full effect tonight. And that's the show. Yeah, seriously, this was your wedding. That's it. Show's over. And for those of you worrying about Teddy, he'll be back in like 2 weeks to make some heal fight The Undertaker.

Recap of Triple H and Steph's 2003 Wedding

Posted by Majoordood




HHH and Steph have been married for 5 years. I thought we should celebrate. So I am going to recap the whole wedding.

HHH pins Goldberg for the world heavyweight title in the parking lot of the church.

Shane McMahon, who was ring bearer, decided an aisle entry was too "old hat" and instead opted to climb the steeple's rafters and deliver said ring by plunging 40 feet back first. He was 33. And fat.


The men up at the altar are Ric Flair, Batista, Kane, RVD, and Chris Jericho. Then only reason they are there are because he plans to pin all of them in World heavyweight title matches later tonight.

Vince does the crazy arm walk when he is ascorting Steph down the isle. He cuts a promo and then Stone Cold Stunners him. Just because.

Triple H is warned by The Undertaker of why getting married sucks, so he pins him after a Pedigree. In the church. During the ceremony.

William Regal, being the traditional English A-hole that he is, has everyone recieve communion. Triple H pins Pedigrees and pins him. While recieving communion, Triple H spits the wine right out of his mouth, up into the air.

The Minister to HHH: "Repeat after me, I take this woman to be my lawfully wedded wife."
HHH: "I take this World title to be my lawfully wedded wife."

The wedding is now over. While he is leaving the church, Triple H pedigrees the flower girl Shane Mcmahon, and the priest. And maybe the Deacon too.

Triple H pins Kane in the parking lot of the reception hall.

Big Show eats all the food during cocktail hour.

Triple H pins Edge during the best man's speech.
When the "Best Man" was introduced, Pat Patterson stood up, hands on hips, defiantly yelling "I'll be Da Judge of Dat!"

Ric Flair tells a joke during his best man speech, "This is what love is", he says. "I gotta tell ya a story about love. A man and a woman go to Death Valley for vacation. The woman dies during their trip. The husband has 2 choices- leave my wife here, or get her buried in America, but spend 10,00 to get her body shipped there. The man takes her back to America, and not because he loves her- because the last time someone was buried in death valley, they rose from the dead!" Everyone but The Undertaker finds it funny, so Triple H just pins him again. Then he just pins Flair for no reason.

Triple H pins the entire wedding band. Motor Head just happens to be at the wedding, so they entertain the people. Apparently, they half ass his HHH's theme song, so the whole band is pinned.

When dancing with the flower girl (who had recovered from the pedigree), Jerry Lawler was said to ask, "so, you wanna go back to my place?"

HHH and Stephanie's first dance entailed Hunter just awkwardly posing, arching his back, pumping his arms, and yelling.

When Steph threw the Bouquet, Steve Austin's new girlfriend was said to have caught it, so saving time, Austin decided to just beat her now as opposed as to after the wedding. This might be love after all.

HHH pinned Chris Jericho as he attempted to get a second piece of cake. Hunter preceded this by yelling "You got your chance already. You only get one!". People speculated that they had heard this speech before. The night after Wrestlemania 18. Strange.

HHH pins Batista on his way to refill the ice bucket. Just 'cause.

Scott Hall was seen later that night, keying the "Just Married" limo before forcing Grandma McMahon into a near by hedge. Normally, it'd have been too dark to identify him... hadn't Hall accidentally forgot to wear his tuxedo pants in lieu of monogrammed trunks.

Triple H pins RVD before heading into the "Just Married" car. Then he finds out that the car way keyed and tries to pin Scott Hall, but he's too tired. So Shawn Michaels just does it for him. Then he pins Michaels.

Instead of cans on the "Just Married" car, he used cruiserweights. Cans are too expensive, man.

When he gets home, Triple H opens all his presents with a 50 pound sledgehammer.