Posted by Roadkill
This is it, the final show before Backlash, WWE's most desperate pay per view. Because really, after Wrestlemania, who feels like paying forty bucks to see a bunch of matches you just saw a month ago on a lesser stage of them all? Oh well, it's still not as bad as One Night Stand's card of gimmick matches or Vengeance : "Night of Champions" where you don't even know who half the champions are because they're so sparsely used on television. Anyway, Smackdown!
They show a video of the Edge/Taker fued, and then we see Edgey Guerrero himself in the ring with his family. Normally I'd think it's weird that all these people can't seem to beat a couple of inhuman monsters for their belts, but really, when the monsters can summer fire and lightning and most of the guys can be put down for the night with a chokeslam, I can see how it could get pretty repetitive. Competetive. I said competetive. Anyway, Vickie announces that tonight's Taker-Batista title match will be No DQ. Incidentally, there will now also be No Title Change and No Satisfying Ending! Can't wait. Edge says it doesn't matter who wins that match, because at Backlash he'll become champion again. Oh yeah, and Chavo too, but you don't have to care about that. He says it'll be a wonderful night for his familia when CM Punk interrupts, with loud music and a giant eyeball on the Titantron. Creepy. Speaking of Punk, how can he be Mr.moneyinthebank? He looks like he has the least amount of money in the business. Then, Edge congratulates him on his KOTR loss. He says, "You're not king, so you're quenn of the ring." Chavo humiliates himself and says, "More like da court jestuh, esse." I made the last word up, but boy, Chavo sucks at everything. Edge mocks Punk becasue he used MITB to get to the top. Edge mocked for being Mr.MITB. Edge. Punk says, "At least I didn't screw a fat cow-horse to get to the top." Actually, he called Vickie a boss, not a cow-horse. Vickie cries, and TLO feels bad. He makes Punk face The Undertaker, just like he did to everyone in 2006. No, that never happened. Funny exchange sees Edge refuse to dignfiy that with a response and say Punk wouldn't understand their love, to which Punk says dude that's f'n gross, I don't want to understand. F you Punk, some of us out there are forced to voluntarily recap this show. Edge asks him why he's out and he says he's just here for a public service announcement to remind us the rules of the briefcase. Edge exclaims that Punk had better think long and hard before he challenges him, but Punk thinks he can beat him. Edge threatens him with a match and Punk accepts. Vickie makes their singles match tonight official and Edge claims Punk will be bankrupt after it. What a horrible line to end their segment with. Commercials!
My Myspace survey:
Question 1: Do you fight with your parents often?
I hit my dad with a shovel once when I was 9. It was after we got back from Toys 'r' us, and he would'nt let me get the new Tonka truck.
Question 2 : Have you ever been in a car accident?
Once, when I was only a few months old. But to be fair, I was still new to driving.
Question 3 : How often do you shower?
Every eight weeks.
Question 4 : Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
What do you mean by, "sleep"?
Question 5 : What is bothering you right now?
Well, I smell sort of bad. Earlier I went for a walk for a while and took a quick shower when I came back to rinse the sweat off, but didn't really use soap or anything. Plus I got woken up at the ungodly hour of noon and rushed into a quick shower then, so I didn't get to take my usual thirty five minutes.
Question 6 : When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
REAL MEN DON'T CRY, EVER.
Question 7 : Have you ever made out in a car?
Uh, real men also don't make out in cars. It's true.
Question 8 : Have you ever kissed a stranger?
No. Well, she told people that, but that was only because she was embarrassed to be caught seen with me is all.
Question 9 : That thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you?
What, my smell? Well, since I've gotten a snack, I now smell like Cheddar Chex Mix, so...yes.
We are back it's time for our weekly "We really don't give a Crap" match.
1st match: Shanon Moore w/Jimmy Wang-Yang vs. MIKE THE MIZ w/ John Morrison
The shaman of shitty is doing commentary on this match. I didn't actually pay attention to this match, so I'll just talk about the commentating. They talk about WWE kids magazine and wwe.com and The Dirt Sheet. Coach is sucking John's nuts here. Orally, I mean. Sorry, he's "verbally" doing it. He talks about Morrison's abs and wonderful physique. He says, " Well when you really count, it seems like you have more of an eight-pack than a six-pack." And I thought Cole's televised anal sex permanently made him the gayest announcer. End of the match here as Miz goes for the Reality Check but Moore dodges and backslides him for the pin.
Winner: Shanon Moore. The champs taunt with their belts from the ring and the cruiserweights do the generic pointing from up the ramp as we get a graphic for Taker-Batista, "Smackdown's greatest rivalry revisited". Bull. Anyone who says it's anything but Batista-Khali is a goddamn liar. Khali danced and everything! Commercials.
Congrats to Coach. Mike Adamle was crowned the new "world's worst announcer" on ECW.
Back and we get presidential crap from Raw that you don't care about. Diva time! As you know, Michelle Mcool and Cherry are feuding with Victoria and Natalya Neidhart over something. This is Neidhart's debut match and pretty much decides whether she'll continue as a woman's wrestler with Victoria as the new Pink and Black Attack, or become a valet Diva and hook up with MVP or somebody as the Black in Pink Assault. Or, something.
2nd match: Natalya w/o her last name (It took 2 weeks) vs. Cherry w/Michelle Mcool
Poor gal already lost her last name. Yet she wins with the Sharpshooter, whatever sense that makes.
Winner: Natalya.
Apparently at Backlash there's a 12 Diva Tag Team Match. Yeah. No way you'll catch me ordering that goddamn show! Oh wait, what's this? A Big Show and Khali video package?! Oh crud, I'm there! And not just because I have to, nope. Commericals!
Michael Cole interviews Matt Hardy next. He comes out to a huge pop, even though he'll never be a main-eventer or anything. They show a clip of Hardy's injury last year. Hardy says his knee is 100%, and that MVP wanted to avoid him or some crap. MVP comes out in a nice suit and an ever fancy do-rag. He grabs Cole's mic and tells him to beat it and asks Hardy why? Why he gotsta come out here and distort the facts? P tries to convince him all he ever did was try and be friends and it's thanks to him that Hardy is an 8-time tag champion instead of just an embarrassing 7-time champ. Hardy reminds P the whole reason they even became tag champs was that P refused to give him a shot at his title. Big Hardy chant starts up as P tries to call Hardy jealous that he's accomplished more in his year and a half than Hardy has in his entire 9-year career. Hardy says he's not jealous, he's confident and at Backlash he'll prove to the entire world that he's better than MVP. MVP says he was hoping they could move past this, but Hardy says his mind is made up. P holds up his belt and looks at it before announcing that at Backlash Hardy would be getting his opportunity to become United States champion. He then of course proceeds to clock Hardy in the head with the belt. One of the best belt shots I've ever seen, seriously. He casually takes his leave and Hardy eventually slides out of the ring looking concussioned as hell.
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE! Punk is on his way to the ring for his match with Edge. I don't know if Punk should take the loss here. Edge could definitely get his heat back a lot quicker than Punk, since Punk has yet to really do anything to affirm himself after winning Money in the Bank. But still, Edge is main eventing this Sunday's PPV. Oh well, I guess jumping Taker at the end of the show for the umpenteenth time is good enough. I'll give this one to Punk. Commercials.
3rd match: Straight Edge vs. Regualr Edge
Damn, back already?! Anyway, the match was damn goo. So good, I can't even recap it because I forgot all about this. Oh well!
Winner: Edge, obviously.
Back to crappy crap. Vladimir Kozlov also won yet another squash match. More commercials.
Back and Batista says thanks to Vickie for the title shot, but he knows what's up. More commercials.
Back to more Presidential crap. Cole, if we wanted to watch CCN, we would've. Hillary won Pennsylvania! Too bad she's still going to lose the nomination to the loser of the election, but hey, PENNSYLVANIA!
Batista is out first for "possibly the biggest match of his career". Yeah, no. Why do people with Batista signs always draw those old fashioned round black bombs with string fuses that haven't been used since the 1800s? Need to get some updated bombs, like ones that look like digital alarm clocks, or Mooninites. Taker is out next.
Main Event: Batista vs. The Undertaker- World Heavyweight title, No DQ
They do the introductions in the ring, and Justin Roberts is growing on me. This match feels a little forced, the Edge-Punk match was more electric than this. Plus you kind of know how it's going to end. Nevertheless, they start off with headlocks and shoulder blocks before Batista gets Taker into the corner for some punches. Corner clothesline by Batista but Taker goes for a series of arm wrenches and shoulder blocks. Couple one-counts by Taker but Batista comes back with a lazy spear. Taker tries to apply his chokehold but Batista wildly slaps his legs away, kind of like a girl who walked into a spider web. He rolls to the outside and backs up to the barricade for the comfort of some random front row tools patting his back as we go to commercials.
Back just in time to see Taker whip Batista into the steel steps. Apron leg drop and he rolls Teest back into the ring for two. Old School attempt sees Taker get crotched on the buckle but manages to block a superplex. Batista charges Taker still on the turnbuckle but he stops that shindig with a boot. Old School connects this time and he goes for a charge but Batista counters that into a huge spinebuster. Somebody called it a powerbomb. I'm not sure who, as it easily could have been either one of them. And that's sad. Nearfall! Batista Bomb attempt but Batista gets backdropped. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Batista catches Taker's hand and lands a powerslam for two. Clothesline attempt by Batista gets his stuff rocked with a big boot and chokeslam, to which Coach says "Somebody's going for a ride!" I wonder if he thinks The Last Ride is the name of Undertaker's chokeslam. If it was anybody else I'd chalk it up to just a lame choice of words, but with Coach I just don't know. Undertaker picks up a two off the ch- okeslam, so Taker cuts his throat before walking right into a spear. Another two count to which Coach exclaims "We've had two or three two or three counts in this match!" Batista gets Taker in the corner for some mounted punches and the crowd is counting along all the way to ten. This of course leads to the Last Ride powerbomb, but Batista manages to kick out again. Taker leaves the ring and brings in the steel steps that are usually legal anyway. He looks for a tombstone but Batista reverses it, just like every other time these two have ever tried this spot ever, and gets a spinebuster onto the steps. Replays cover the screen and what's actually going on is taking place in a little box in the far bottom corner. The announcers are yelling it's a Batista Bomb but I don't know, knowing them it could be a goddam DDT. When the screen blows back up Shawn Michaels (or is it the lead singer for Lynard Skynard? Not sure.) is in the ring with a cowboy hat and superkicks the hell out of Batista. I'm pretty sure the back of HBK's shirt says "Creationism" in dripping blood. Maybe there's a bloody human rib below it, I don't know, I couldn't see it all. Crotch chop and Cole claims that Michaels just broke Batista's heart. Too bad I didn't watch it, I must have missed their love angle on Raw. Must have. Taker is getting up and gets Batista up for the Tombstone Piledriver. This connects and he pins Batista for three.
Winner: The Undertaker. A series of replays air after the match. Edge decides not to come out and beat Taker up for once this week, despite him lying injured on the mat and unable to stand. Surely if he's hurt they could at least get BAM NEELY to do it. Ah well. END SHOW.
WWE: Punk/Edge and Teest/Taker was good.
TNA Impact: Everything else.
Remember WCW?: Remember when Edge used his Money in the Bank and you were like "Oh crap!" and RVD beat John Cena with it and you were like "Oh crap!" and Edge won the title with it again and you were like "Oh, crap, that kind of sucked" and when Punk won it and you were like "Oh, crap!" I wonder if they'll trust Punk enough with it to use it to main event Wrestlemania, or if they'll just have him use it in six months as a quick makeshift main event for a lackluster PPV. I hope it's the former, so when the new Mr. MITB is crowned at next year's Wrestlemania, there'll be two of them, and wacky shenanigans will ensue. That should be kind of cool. They could do an Odd Couple angle from then on. It could be William Regal and The Boogeyman. They could have their own tv show too, like the real Odd Couple. Wait, there was no real Odd Couple. It was just a show. A funny show. And not just because Felix's initials were FU. Nope.
Ah, Kane. If there's one thing we know about him, it's that he loves children. Don't beleive us? Why do you think he went through all that trouble to get Lita pregnant in 2004? Excatly. So, every week, Kane stops squashing people in ECW so he can read to the little youngsters. Whether it be a how to book on how to dismember a person or the bible according to Satan, you'll love how little Timmy's face lights up when he hears Kane's story of pain and anguish. It's true! You won't be able to help smiling as your little one beams with joy and wonderment as the Big Red Machine tells of the time he got down and dirty with a dead cheerleader after a particularly gruesome car crash. Words are power. Just not the kind that set off giant fireworks before a match instead of during, you know, when it'd actually give an advantage. 
