Alrighty, I am officialy declaring this month Wedding month. To kick off Wedding month, we recapped HHH and Steph's wedding. Today, we recap TLO and Kristal's September Wedding:
Welcome to Smackdown's wedding from hell. The old guy and the hot young girl. Kinda like Anna Nicole and that old hag. But as far as WWE weddings go, it reminds me of the Lita/Kane wedding. Or the Edge/Lita wedding. Or Edge's next wedding with Vickie. Damn, all these wrestlers must be poligamysts. Anyway, everyone comes out and sits down. Balls Mahoney is wearing his trashy clothes with a tie on. Vince doesn't seem too pleased. Hornswoggle places a giant book on his seat and happily plants his ass next to Coach. Good thing there's commercials to help ready myself for this disaster.
Damn, we're back. TLO, with a plastered on smile, comes out and goes up to the altar. Then he makes a wrestler he doesn't like fight The Undertaker. Then he makes Kane fight MVP again. Alright, I made the last part up, but don't you think he should've. It'd be like, "I do- oh, and before I forget, Mark Henry, it's gon' be a hellofa match at Unforgiven because you are fighting- THE UNDERTAKAA. Now holla that, playa."
Bruce Bruce then announces in the funniest voice ever, "Alright everybody... here comes the bride!" Kristal very, very slowly makes her way out. Kristal trips on the steps, and I nearly die laughing. This ceremony has finally started. Wait, no it hasn't. Goddam Jagged Edge has to sing some R and B song. They start out with, "Wave ya hands, now. " And that's how you know a band sucks. Everyone is waving their hands. It looks beautiful, until Jeff Hardy ruins it with his
crazy, slow-motion spastic retard waving dance move that is just embarrassing to even witness.
Just about the funniest thing here so far is Vince waving his body from side to side as everyone else is just waving his or her arms. Oh god, here comes Jillian with one of those face-microphones. Jillian calls the Jagged Edge performance "horrendous.” Everyone pleads with Jillian to not sing. As Jillian sings horribly, she is dragged the hell out of there by Candice and some chick I couldn't really see (Mickie?). Bruce Bruce declares that Jillian's singing was the worst he's ever heard. Can't disagree there. Hornswoggle smacks Coach upside the head, which gets what's probably the first Hornswoggle chant ever. Bruce Bruce asks if anyone objects to Teddy and Kristal being wed, and Godfather's music subsequently plays. I'm surprised he hasn't been arrested for msex trafficing yet, HARDBODY HARRISON. He goes up to the ring with a bunch of prostitutes, much to the divas demise. (By the way, Tommy Dreamer looks straight up Pimpin' with his suit and hat on. I guess he'll marry a hoe after they accidentally have a kid, and then he'll be known as the "Innavator of Domestic Violence".) Godfather tries to persuade Teddy to take a ride on the Ho Train. Teddy's a one-woman man now, so Godfather instead gets every male wrestler in attendance to follow the Ho Train to the back. Hilariously enough, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco do not tag along. I know this'll come as a shock to most of you, but the crowd is just about 80% dead for this dragged-out segment. I didn't hear them myself, but a few other Smackdown reports say that the crowd was chanting "we want wrestling!" Those friggin' ingrates. What the hell do they think this is - a wrestling show? Hornswoggle and Coach get into a cat fight now, and Hornswoggle goes under Kristal gown. Teddy goes into angry Fiance mode, and pulls out a pocket knife. "Get away from my girl, or I'll bust you up." Hornswoggle cries, so he just makes him fight Kane and The Undertaker in a handicapped match. Okay, that never happened. Coach actually crawls into the dress as well. Dear Lord in Heaven. Vince and Coach chase Hornswoggle to the back. This is the most disastrous wedding I've ever witnessed. Bruce Bruce finally gets to the I Dos. Kristal, of course, says I do. At this point, I turn to my little sister and say, "I'll bet you this jerk passes out right now." Teddy then says, "I.... I..." and passes the hell out. Thank you, come again. I must be some kind of gifted psychic or something. After a fit of hysterics from Kristal (looks like Teddy made Kristal "holla" after all!), EMTs tend to the fallen Teddy. Good thing that suicide watch is in full effect tonight. And that's the show. Yeah, seriously, this was your wedding. That's it. Show's over. And for those of you worrying about Teddy, he'll be back in like 2 weeks to make some heal fight The Undertaker.
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