Hey guys, and welcome to Smackdown! Sorry this week's rant is a little late. I was just crying because Regal is King of the Ring. That's like firing Krystal because she wouldn't go along with a storyline, or having John Cena win the royal rumble, only to use his title shot at No Way Out and not at Wrestlemania. Not that any of that would ever happen. Not by a long shot.
Anyway, Y2Jesus is out, and it's time for the highlight reel, even though there are no highlights of anything whatsoever. Anyway, Chris is breaking the walls- of the brand extension. Just like everyone else. Chirs gets a little David Bowieish and reminds us he's the special guest ref at Backlash. But it's totally a special and prestigious honor t o be a guest referee, and not at all a sign of somebody, somecreative, or something being unable to correctly book one of the most adaptive guys for even one single match since he returned five months ago. Anyway, he introduces his guest Batista and Jericho first wishes him luck tonight in his huge main event match against the Undertaker, and Y2J did a stand-up job of keeping most of the bitterness out of his voice when he said it. He then brings up Shawn Michaels and runs him down before showing the clip o f him accusing Michaels of enjoying retiring Ric Flair before being superkicked right the hell down. Ridiculous hype aside, I think I actually did hear some teeth rattling down Jericho's throat there. Or it might've been just the ever-present static on my tv, but I'm telling you, I know teeth when I hear them. After the video rolls, Jericho says with that kick Michaels basically admitted both he and Batista were right in their assumptions of Michaels as evil and tells Batista "you're welcome." THAT DOESNT SIT RIGHT WITH THE ANIMAL. Batista says he never asked Jericho to be his lawyer and if he has a problem with someone, he tells them to their face before getting in Y2J's face. Jericho does the annoying girl bit and says "What, so I can't express my opinions around here anymore, heh?" and Batista tells him no. He's pissed he has to deal with both Shawn and Jericho at Backlash, and doesn't see where Jericho fits into the equation. Neither does anybody else, Teest. Jericho didn't ask to be the ref, but since he is, it's analysis time. He says it was irrational how angry Batista is over Ric Flair retiring. Chalk that one up to the 'Rage. You should see him when he loses his car keys or when he has to take his goddam brat of a son to hockey instead of having a beer and watching football. HE ISN'T HAPPY ON HIS DAY OFF, DAVE! Jericho continues and theorises that Batista wishes he had been the one Flair hand-picked to be his opponent at Wrestlemania and wishes he was the one that got to retire Flair in his last match . He also says that on Flair's Raw Retirement Celebration, he saw the love between Flair and Michaels but Batista was too cool to show emotions. Jericho turns toward the crowd and asks for a show of hands if they agree, Batista wanted to retire Flair. A crapload of hands go up. He asks for another showing, this time if they think Batista is more selfish than Michaels. Noticeably fewer hands go up, but I think that's more of a knock on Shawn. There was about to be another question, but Batista stops dat junk with a Batista Bomb. Great work, Dave. Now you just gotta get all those people who raised their hands and agreed with him. THEN THEY'LL BE SURE TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. Commercials.
Back and Matt Hardy is out to do some commentary on MVP's match. I thought they said last week these two would be facing eachother tonight? Oh well, I probably just screwed up, even though I know I didn't and Cole probably did. They're still wrestling eachother for P's belt at Backlash anyway, so no big deal.
1st match: MVP vs. Tommy Dreamer
I think Dreamer Match and Nontitle Match are interchangeable, don't you? Man, he looks sad as shit wrestling in a Wrestlemania t-shirt. Before the match, MVP throws off his t-shirt at Matt at the announcer's table. Tommy starts off in control early with very basic moves as Coach claims Dreamer is "no slouch". He wrestles in sweatpants, a t-shirt, and has love handles like a mofo, but allright. P gains the advantage with a reverse guillotine on the ropes from the apron. MVP continues to work over Dreamer as Cole claims Hardy has never won a singles title. I guess the European, Hardcore, and Cruiserweight titles just never existed, then. That's cool, I mean if I can be trained to forget entire people like that one guy who never existed and The Macho Savage or whoever, then what's a defunct division? Cole and Coach repeatedly try to sell this PPV as Hardy has to keep bringing them back to talk about the match. He does however say he wants to win a World Championship someday. Yeah, and I'm sure all the remedial kids want to be astronauts and firefighters, but you have to be realistic. Matt Hardy has about as much chance of escaping the midcard as those kids do of one day getting out of poverty. BALLIN' elbow drop gets two because it's an elbow drop and Tommy makes a comeback. Playmaker attempt is reversed into a DDT by Dreamer that gets two. MVP sends Dreamer's shoulder into the ringpost upon getting up and hits his huge running boot in the corner. With this, MVP pins Dreamer for the win, possibly because they're trying to get it over as a legit finisher, but probably because it was Tommy Dreamer in a pinning predicament.
Winner: MVP
Yeah. Finlay and Hornswoggle are getting warmed up for their match. Oh Jesus. Commercials.
Mick Foley in Anamorphs should really suck.
2nd match: Hornswoggle vs. Matt Striker, Wacky B.S. match
Matt Striker is in the ring with a mic saying he's been embarrassed by Hornswoggle and shouldn't be here because he's got a degree in educational psychology. If he got to talk more, he should change what his degree is in with every promo. He also says he has a 186 IQ. My IQ is 132. You didn't need to know that, I just like saying it because it sounds like a pretty high number. Anyway, the Irishmen make their entrance, and I have to wonder how an everyday mother would take seeing their husband, the father, usher his small child over to fight a teacher. Hornswoggle starts off by juggling some tennis balls before pelting Striker with them in his, SHALL WE SAY, HIS TENNISBALLS! HA!! Yep. Cole states for no reason that those are $250 apiece tournament tennis balls. "Oh crap, I thought he was just getting pelted in the crotch with those cheapo Wal*Mart rubber fuzz balls!" Anyway, the rest of the match goes like this : Finlay hands Horny a water gun, he squirts Striker with it, Striker takes it and turns around to throw it down or try to break it over his knee or something, then turns back to get squirted with another one. They go through about ten water guns like his, seriously, and Cole's forced hysterical laughter is grating. Striker eventually bypasses the midget and lands a nice kick on Finlay from the apron and beats him down on the outside before climbing back up on the apron and threatening Hornswoggle. Finlay is up, however, and so Striker lunges at him but he pulls back the apron cover and Striker crotches himself. Horny with a drokick on his head from the ring and Finlay throws his son at Striker before sending him back in. Inside, Striker pushes Horny down and slaps the living hell out of him for a few satisfying seconds before going for the shilaylay that gets confiscated by the ref. Finlay in with a shot of his own and Hornswoggle comes off the top with the splash for the win.
Winner: Read, losers. They proceed to promote the new WWE Kids magazine and claim Hornswoggle answers some pretty provokative questions in there. Finlay and Hornswoggle do about the gayest celebration as I keep waiting for Finlay to drag Striker back into the ring and bloody the hell out of him with a shilaleigh, but it doesn't happen. Probably because they're trying to market their stuff towards kids now. Goddamn kids.
We get reminded of Big Show-Khali, and tonight it's Big Show-Mark Henry. Spoiler alert, you guys : It won't be good. Commercials.
Back for our obligatory Chavo Guerrero time. He'll be taking on Jamie Noble, but not by himself! No sir, Chavo's no fool, he knows damn well Noble's a rough opponent. He brought his new bodyguard along. Because the Edgeheads are just all over tv too much these days, I guess. They roll a clip of Bam Neely's debut beating up Kane a couple weeks ago at an ECW contract signing. Wait, ECW has contract signings? I guess the old ECW really is dead.
3rd match: Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely w/ stupid name w/ Holy hell, I think he read that last thing, so I better run vs. Jamie Noble w/ no chance of winning this match
Nothing happens, nothing happens. Modified Gory Bomb and Noble's neck is guillotined on the top rope. More of nothing happens and Chavo wins with a frogsplash.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero. After the match, Bam gives Jamie a half nelson slam. Oh, a half nelson slam. Kane better watch out, or he'll get slammed at Backlash. You won't be affected by it because, well, your not a Smackdown mid-carded, but still, you better watch your ass. Commercials.
Milk Milk Lemonade around the corner fudge is made.
We are back and now it's time to see a fat sweaty dude fight a fat sweaty dude.
4th match: Big Show vs. Mark Henry
This is basically a preview of Backlash. Crap.
Winner: Big Show via DQ
What's this?! It's The Great Khali, and we're still in the middle of the match. He slams Show into the steps and chops him a few times. Then he chokebombs him. Boy, Backlash is gonna really suck.
Video for Taker vs. Teest. Did you know they've fought before. No, really. Commercials.
Bobby Lashley's got a new "nutrition company". I am anticipating a number of suspensions to come almost immediately.
Back and Cherry is out first, accompanied by Michelle McCool. Holy crap, does Cherry have her own theme music? It's saying Cherry over and over again in it. What, are they planning to break Deuce and Domino up? They can't do that! I love Deuce and Domino's gimmick. Besides, that'd mean that there would be a chance of Deuce and Domino being in two separate matches ever week, and that's just ridiculous. Or, even more unwatchable, a feud between the two. Dear Christ. Victoria is out next with Nasty Neidhart , ready to pop Cherry bloody.
5th match: Victoria w/Nasty Neidhart w/ stupid catchphrase vs. Cherry w/ Michelle Mcool w/ unnessacary push
Cherry is all timid and stuff and Victoria is hilarious mocking her. She shoves her down and gives her a headlock takeover and wrenches her neck while asking "Where's your boyfriend? Where's Deuce and Domino?" as Coach says in recent weeks Deuce and Domino have been hanging out with Maryse instead of Cherry. They must have showed that in a backstage skit or some crap that I ignored, because I don't remember it. Victoria kicks the hell out of her, literally, before going "GOOOOAL!" and slapping her down to the ground while Cherry was sitting on her ass. God Victoria is great. Cherry starts crying and Victoria hilariously tears into her verbally and physically. Cherry gets in a kick and a rollup before getting beat up some more. Coach says Victoria, the veteran and former women's champion, is really starting to come into her own, whatever sense that makes. Victoria camel clutches Cherry before releasing her via busting her face into the mat as Cherry was trying to break it. More stalking and taunting and Nasty says from ringside "YOU MESS WIT DA BEST YOU GO DOWN LIKE DA REST MUAHAHAHAHA". McCool gets up on the apron and Victoria goes to confront her, leaving her legs wide open for Cherry to score- a pinfall.
Winner: Cherry. Commercials.
I DID YOUR MOM-
a favor
BY MAKING YOU-
a sandwich
Back to another crappy outside shot of London with irrelevant facts. "Big Ben is the largest four-sided chiming clock in the world and is located Northeast of the Parliament." Enthralling.
Kozlov comes out with no music or anything. It's like a Latin mass. Except you can actually see someone without his back turned. Sorry, bad analogy. Where the hell did that crap come from.
6th match: Vladmir Kozlove vs. English Jobber
Are you friggin' kidding?
Winner: Take a guess, nimrods.
They had to have him fight a jobber, because making Kozlov fight Paul Burchill, Drew McIntryre, or DH Smith in England would be just plain stupid.
They recap Edge and Taker next. All three Edges are out sitting in the front row to watch the Main Event, which is next. Commercials.
One time in English we had to make an original book of poetry, except I didn't want to and it was the end of the year and I had a 100 average for the entire year anyway, so I instead turned in twelve pages of original comic strips, with a front and back to each page, with three two-line strips on each page, featuring a suitcase marked with To : Peru. A crew of varying strange characters would stare at eachother and the suitcase with no dialogue whatsoever. In the last strip, the suit case was on a bus to Peru, but the bus had a wreck and it blew up, but you see te suitcase lying in the grass unscathed, and I wrote a note at the bottom that said "Should I continue this?" The teacher didn't comment back, but I got a 70 on it, which is just above failing. END STORY.
Back and it's main event time. Batista enters, and The Undertaker does his usual "I can read a Stephen King book before this is over" entrance. Onto the match!
Main Event: The Undertaker vs. Batista
They punched eachother on the outside until the ref counted to ten.
Winner: Draw. They continue to fight around ringside, slamming eachother into stuff, and they battle over near the barricade where Edge and his Heads are sat. Undertaker randomly reaches and grabs Edge from his seat and throws him around ringside. before rolling him in the ring. Batista attacks Taker but the Edgeheads are on him, just because I guess, and he fights them off. Taker gets into the ring and Batista follows. The Edgeheads get beat up some more when they come in, and so do Chavo and his bodyguard who come out just to get laid out. Edge escapes and runs up the aisle just as Vickie Guerrero is being pushed out in her wheelchair by her permanent indentured servant Teddy Long. She has a microphone and tells Batista and Taker that because they attacked paying audience members Edge, Hawkins, and Ryder, the company has been put in legal jeopardy. She then punishes them by making a rematch between Taker and Batista for next week for the World Title. Yeah, take THAT Batista! She then reminds them that the winner will go on to face Edge at Backlash. END SHOW.
Wrestlemania 17: Nothing. Everything sucked.
Wrestlemania 9: Everything.
WM23: Finaly's new gimmick is bad.
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