Other ways the WWE should market their stuff towards Kids

Posted by Roadkill

The WWE has been marketing it's crap towards kids now. I don't like the way they're doing it. Mgazines and websites and Finaly not making people bleed just isn't the right answer. So here are some ways the WWE should market their crap towards kids:

MAKE A CHILDREN'S KISS MY ASS CLUB:

Normally, a 60 year old forcing you to kiss his wrinkly old ass would be a form of sexual abuse. Listen, we hear at WWE put smiles on kids faces, by forcing faces into vertcal smiles. Because aren't kids really nothing more than tiny adults or maybe even midgets with full facial hair? I mean, why should children miss out on the character-building that can only come from knowing exactly what Mr. McMahon had for breakfast that morning? And why should only adults know that joy? NO MORE. Introducing: Mr. McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club FOR KIDS! Creating a lifetime of memories, and a lifetime of psychiatric bills, counseling, and maybe even hypnosis to "erase" or repress those memories! Ram your little bundle of joy into Vince's mud cave today! You won't be sorry. (Because that's an admission of guilt and can be later used in a court of law. Trust us.)

EDUCATIONAL TOOL: ADAMLE TO ENGLISH TRANSLATOR

Chances are, unless you're Yoda, you don't understand a goddam word Mike Adamle says. You never actually know what he's trying to say. But now, you can understand Mike, with this new device. There are no substitutes! Ok, there's probably at least a half dozen. And they're all better, but whatever! Kids, do you want a translator that looks like Tarzan but hits like Jane? Or do you want one that actually uses a phrase like that in proper context and doesn't completely embarrass itself? Ahem.

The Adamle Translator is state of the art device, that cost $300,000 (or roughly 57 Colin Delaney's) to develop and cultivate and then force on the public, despite there clearly being many more qualified translators out there. But who needs them? Like anyone would use something called the Josh Matthews! Come on!

But how does it work, you might not be asking? Like Mike himself, it's simple really. Just enter the phrase you want translated and then press "Translate", and Uno Dos, Adios, you have a phrase in crystal clear terminology that we can all understand! Never again will your "the classmates" shoot you a dirty look again! So get Bizzay today! . Prepare to elevate your vocabulary like it was the Jimmy. Translate* Adamle today! OR maybe just hire someone who knows what the hell they're doing.

*Warning: Device not to be used for Great Khali promos. Worm-hole in time will open and the Universe will implode upon itself.

HORNSWOGGLE ADVICE COLUMN ON WWE.COM

Hornswoggle is every kid's favorite nowadays. But what if he had his own advice column? Yes, a Hornswoggle advice column. The only thing is, his hands are small, so he writes small, so no one could read it. Just take a look at the advice column he wrote a few days ago (above).

STORY TIME WITH KANE

Ah, Kane. If there's one thing we know about him, it's that he loves children. Don't beleive us? Why do you think he went through all that trouble to get Lita pregnant in 2004? Excatly. So, every week, Kane stops squashing people in ECW so he can read to the little youngsters. Whether it be a how to book on how to dismember a person or the bible according to Satan, you'll love how little Timmy's face lights up when he hears Kane's story of pain and anguish. It's true! You won't be able to help smiling as your little one beams with joy and wonderment as the Big Red Machine tells of the time he got down and dirty with a dead cheerleader after a particularly gruesome car crash. Words are power. Just not the kind that set off giant fireworks before a match instead of during, you know, when it'd actually give an advantage.

JERRY LAWLER'S TEENAGE DIVA SEARCH:

Hey gals! Are you 12-14 years old? Are you going through puberty? If so, you'd be perfect for Jerry Lawler's Teenage Diva search. You'll have to complete tasks such as finishing your glass of milk, your spelling homework, putting your bike in the garage, and meeting Jerry in his basement for a top secret photo shoot.

ECW COLORING BOOK:

Here's what's so great about the ECW coloring book- you only need one color. That's right, kids, it's not a coincidence that almost every single black man under WWE contract is imprisoned on this show, and now you can show your appreciation for those African Americans in permanent bondage with the ECW Coloring book. Or just leave them all white. Michael P.S. Hayes might actually push them that way! Ahem.

ASK HUNTER: A NEW FEATURE OF WWEKIDS.COM

In this exclusive WEBSITE feature, "The Game" will give the youngsters out there important life pointers that will in turn help them become better and more productive members of society. That way, they can one day penalize, stand in the way, and maybe even destroy those who don't hold the same beliefs and work ethic. Hunter thinks about the future!*

*So, he can pin new people.

Here is a sample of this new feature:

Triple H, the principal's daughter is plumpy and fat, but she asked me out. Should I say yes?

HHH Answers: Yeah, go out with her. She may be plumpy and fat, but she'll inherit the school one day. And with the principal's ears, who know, you could be an 11 time Valedictorian.

ASK RANDY AND CENA:

Hey, Randy Orton and John Cena have an advice column too, but with WWEKIDS magazine. Let's take a look at their fine work:

A new girl moved into my neighborhood. I like her, but I don't know if she likes me. How do I break the ice?

John Cena: If I'm half as handsome as everyone keeps insisting, I'd have no problem with this.

Randy Orton: Maybe kick her dad in the haed. Or RKO Jackie, I mean her, and end her career, I mean make her move. Or you could throw all the furniture in her house.