The SD rant

Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown. Tonight Cole fights Coach in a battle of insults. The Undertaker faces Festus, the first big man he's ever faced. He's never faced a big, crazy brute like Festus before, right Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, Yokozuna, Khali, Kane, Giant Gonzales and Big Show?





Just in case you thought Taker vs. The hillbilly was the worst part of tonight's show, Khali is out with a bunch of stereotypical Indian dancers. Some guy quotes Ghandi, and talks about the Indian people. Khali talks gibberish, and then Big Show comes out. Khali wants to make a peace offering. He gives him some kind of green water. I'll describe it. You know when you eat broccoli, and your poop is all green. Well, it looks like someone liquidised that. I could've just described it as sewer water, but that's not the way I roll. I roll with the best car ever made- AN '81 HONDA. Man, you'll get a real reputation if you're seen in that thing. Maybe a nerdy reputation, but still...


Anyway, Khali gives Big Show some scotch. Never give a big man liquor. Just look at Mel Brooks. Now, he can't go into a kosher deli without being spat on or cursed at. Big Show takes a sip and he looks like he's going to puke. That's what you get for drinking too much at the post-wrestlemania party! Then the guy gives him a chiken. He says, "Show, with this chiken, you can lay eggs. Or you can just fry it and eat it". Something like that. Then he gives him a goat and says, "This goat has milk, so you will never go thirsty. I know goat milk tastes horrible, but we can't give you a cow!" Touche, mr.Indianguy. We know how much you love cows! Wait, but how come Khali hates Show? Aren't cows sacred in his homeland? Anyway, Show says he has mixed emotions (kinda like Shawn Michaels, "mixed emotions" about his match with Flair, or Hardcore Holly's fan reaction), and he can't describe how he feels, but he can show him. He punches Khali and leaves. Dammit Show, you left the scotch. Know Khali will drink it, get drunk, the he'll terrorize a bunch of people, and in the morning, he won't remember any of it! Commercials!



Here's the umpenteenth match in this best of eternity series:



1st match: Miz and Morrison vs. Wang-Yang and Moore



Holy crap, Shannon Moore actually got in a somewhat less pathetic amount of offense than usual! Nothing new in this match. Yang hit a nice missle dropkick and Morrison did his springboard enziguri thing, but Miz of all people was the one to wrap this up with a Reality Check for the win.



Winners: The Miz and John Morrison. John Morrison and Jim Morrison are basically the same person, except John acts gay and Jim doesn't. Maybe I'll rephrase that...


*Random Note: John Morrison sayed that Jimmy Wang-Yang was a virgin during this match and Michael Cole said, "Well, being a virgin isn't that bad! I'm a virgin and look how I turned out!" Wow, that's the worst self-defense ever. Cole, everyone hates you.

Edge and Vickie are getting massages, and slave Theodorus Longus is in the background. He's a human towel rack. Ha! Commercials.

We are back, and so is Finlay! And his deformed son! And Matt Stryker. Now that I've officially "Debbie Downered" this match, why don't I point out the fact that I've been spelling Matt's name wrong for the last 4 months. Why didn't you tell me?! If a creature like me can't spell, I'll get a summons. Wait, what kind of creature am I? I guess I'm in the opossum category. Ew, I hate those things. Especially dead ones.

2nd match: Finlay w/Hornswoggle vs. Matt STRIKER (why didn't you point that out?): Wacky B.S. match

Finlay and his son play tricks on Striker. I wonder what would happen if I played tricks on a teacher like that. Like putting a thumbtack on his/her chair, or telling the principal that I found an unmarked envelope full of cocaine in his/her mailbox. That would be funny.

Winner: Finlay. Commercials.

We are back and Victoria is with that mystery diva who attack Michelle Mcool last week at Torrie Wilson in September. Toria announces that this new girl is not only her friend, but also the daughter of Jim Neidhart, known to everyone my age as "that fat dude in pink who you never picked in WCW/NWO Revenge". Her name is Natalya Neidhart, they roll a video of Jim Neidhart reminding us why we never picked him in Revenge, and then Natalya says "Mess wit da best, fall like the rest." Quote's a little off, but it's still a step in the right direction towards being awesome. She then ruins any chance at this by going "Hehehe, yeah, baby!" and high-fiving Victoria. Michelle McCool enters now to Candice Michelle's really old theme music. You didn't need to know that, but there you go.

3rd match: The dude that looks like a man w/ the fat pink guy's daughter vs. Michelle Mcool w/bias announcers on her side

McCool comes out pissed off over being jumped last week and takes it to Victoria right away. She lands a dropkick to Victoria's face and sends her out of the ring, where she follows and clotheslines her on the floor. Back in, Victoria puts McCool down with a clothesline of her own and cranes McCool's neck with a hangman's choke...and then just lets her fall despite this being the exact position required to execute her Widow's Peak finisher. McCool then regains the advantage after Victoria sort of throws herself on the ground for some reason after she was whipped to the corner. McCool goes up top but Victoria is up and lands a superplex from the middle rope, or if you want to believe Cole, the top rope. Unless he meant the rope McCool was on, in which case he's right. This time. But I'll catch that guy on some other crap tonight, just you wait. The plex gets two and McCool turns the tide back with a running swinging neckbreaker and not selling crap! Good to see Taker taught her something. She then runs the ropes but Natalya throws her jacket at McCool's back, causing her to turn around and whine, leaving her open for Victoria to sneak a rollup pin with assitance from her tights, letting us see Michelle's butt. Jerry Lawler was probably having improper thoughts while looking at that.

Winner: Victoria. Commercials.

Back and Cole is in the ring with a mic. Cole, just don't screw this up like everything else in your life. He shows us what's been going down between HBK and Batista lately. He then introduces his interview guest Batista, but right after he comes out, Shawn Michaels follows. Batista says they don't need Cole so he obliges the wishes of Batista and everybody else watching by leaving the screen. Don't think I forgot about you, Cole. I promised to insult you tonight over something stupid you say and I intend to. Till then. Michaels says Dave needs to grow the hell up since everybody else has moved on with Ric Flair retiring except him. Amen. Whiny jerk is almost as bad as a newly orphaned six year old, you know? It's like, stop crying to me, your parents are dead, they're not coming back, and you're too young for your testimony to hold up in court so nobody else is going to know I did it, so stop bringing it up to me. We just want some goddamn peace and quiet, me and Shawn. But Batista is on little Timmy's side here and says the blood on Michaels' hands won't wash off this time, which frankly is just bull. Even if it's been on there a few hours, the bits that don't flake off come up immediately with some running water and a paper towel. Batista says he don got no respek for all the times Michaels held people back and backstabbed them because, while Batista is no saint, at least he was MAN NUFF to look the dude in the eye and tell him what was up. I guess shooting an imaginary rifle at Flair wasn't a clear enough messag e that he was looking to hurt him. "Thought he just wanted to play Supa Soakers." HBK then yells he didn't have that luxury because he's a lot smaller and so he took to sacrificing his body and taking shortcuts. He then looks Batista in the eye and wants to make perfectly clear that at Backlash he'll kick his teeth down his throat. Damn what the HELL is a brand extension? Get outta here wit dat jibba jabba, boy. HBK goes to walk away, but comes back with a superkick that is blocked by David oliath and turned into a Batista Bomb, but Michaels slips out of that and hauls ass from the ring as Batista nods and smiles at him, as if that's what he meant to happen. Commercials.

We are back and it's time for everyone's favorite Russian heel to beat everyone's least favorite cruiserweight, Funaki. What do you mean that's not Funaki?! That's a jobber?! Well, I get those two mixed up from time to time.

4th match: Vladmir Kozlov vs. JOBR

Kozlov is the worst. He's like that guy in your neighborhood that is foriegn, creepy, and nice all at the same time. Excpet the guy in your neighborhood wasn't part of the soviet union. Wait, Kozlov's not a soviet. Damn, Deadguy 1313 is making me seem really misinformed today. Oh, Kozlov wins too.

Winner: Read the goddam paragraph.

More Edge and Vickie! The're relaxing the way all socialites do, with salad ingredients on their faces. Long brings them drinks and he's rewarded with slightly used cucumber slices. Now he's got something new to go with his bread ration tonight, that's good. Not as good as having your freedom, but what can he do? Quit? Um, probably. They then make Edge out to be pretty gay. Nail polish on guys is only cool when its black, to show they're suffering inside. Commercials!

Listen, I know that Deadguy 1313 hasn't been appearing on the site. And it's not because I made you all think he was Elliot Spitzer. It's because he's a superhero now. Superhench, to be exact. Here's his slogan:

By day I'm a normal man, but by night I'm superhench, the crimefighting hero. I laugh in the face of danger and pee in the mouth of all evil. I kill the bad guys and I beat decencie's moma with a baseball bat. I make president Bush look like Einstein and Gordom Ramsey look like Paula Abdul.

We are back and MVP's out now in a suit, and he'll be guest commentating Matt Hardy's match with Chuck Palumbo. Forgot about Chuck Palumbo? So did everybody else. Three years ago.

5th match: Matt Hardy vs. Chuck Paluser

MVP's destroying the announcer's reputation here. That is why he should be a face. I mean, once you get past all the leg injuring, the back-sassing, and his cowardlyness, he's a good guy.

Anyway, it's a bore-fest here, and I'm not even paying attention. I've fallen asleep.

Winner: Matt Hardy. I wake up and Cole says, "MVP is tripin', coach". Yes, I knew I would catch him tonight. Well, I already caught him, if you were reading closely. I called him out for yelling at Morrsion. He defended all the virgins of the world. What a tool.

Hardy and MVP will apparently face off next week on Smackdown from London. That's in England for all you globophobes out there. Commercials.

Edge and Vickie are feeding each other Strawberries when we come back. They are about to make a little Edgemeister when TLO kills the mood, yells, and leaves. Then they just go back to having sex.

Main Event: Festus w/Jesse vs. The Undertakka

The bell rings and Festus immediately does his triumphant retard jog over to Taker, who promptly kicks him in the head. Whip off the ropes gets him another. Taker works over Festus's left arm for a bit before executing the Old School as the OUT OF CONTROL RABID INSANE MONSTER FESTUS calmly stands still and watches Taker walk on the ropes, waiting patiently to be attacked. Festus however gets a side slam off an Irish whip and lays into Taker with headbutts and punches. A little later, Festus clotheslines Taker out of the ring, but he lands on his feet and drags Festus out. Festus controls out here, slamming Taker's head into the barricade before sending him back in to bore it up some more. Festus does, and controls the match while doing so, and Taker goes out for a breather, but Festus stays on him before Taker sends him headfirst into the steel steps. Leg drop on the apron follows and then a DDT in the ring which gets two. Cole and Coach are stuck on a loop say ing how impressed they are with Festus. Also making sly hints that Vickie and Edge "may not exactly be watching this match right now, if you know what they mean, heh heh". Jesus Christ there are more punches being thrown in this match than in a boxing match. Festus comes off a whip with a shoulder block that gets two, so he gets Taker on his shoulders for his finisher. Taker escapes and puts Festus down with a chokeslam. The ref counts to two and that crazy ole barely-knows-the-rules monster Festus gets his foot on the bottom rope. He rolls out of the ring and Jesse attends to him. Taker runs Jesse's weird ass off and sends Festus back into the ring where he clotheslines THE DEADMAN. Ref bump here, then a hilarious looking simpleton bicycle kick from Festus. He walks over and stares at Jesse from the ring for a few pointless seconds as Taker sits up. Festus makes his way back over but Taker traps him in his fancy new submission move. Another ref runs into the ring, taps Festus' shoulder, screams "OH MY GOD RING THE BELL!" and this match is over, I guess.

Winner: The Undertaker. The announcers claim Festus didn't understand the concept of tapping out and so stayed in the hold until he passed out. Yeah, sure. He's always conscious enough to know when to get his foot on the bottom rope, but submission, what the hell is that? Jesse lays on top of Festus and begs Taker to leave him alone. Taker continues to pace the ring w ith his title in hand before kneeling with it amidst his blue light and fog. I hope Festus never main events a show again. END SHOW.

HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY: Miz and Morrison vs. The Jobbers was good, I guess.

WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY: Everything sucked tonight. Even the best match.

Remember Akeem?: Ever WWE show is like a city in NY. Raw is like Manhatten, the best. Smackdown is like Brooklyn and Queens. Famous, but no one ever goes there (watches it) or gives a crap about it. ECW is like Harlem in the 70s. Really, really, really bad.