The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Deadpossum





Tee-Hee! I'm Roadkill- not Deadpossum. Since you know that, let's just start again.





Posted by Roadkill





This week, Smackdown is ALL IN THE FAMILY~! Well, if by chance your "family" includes killing your parents in a house fire gone awry, being tragically burned, coming back 20 years later for revenge, forgetting about it so you can ride motorcycles together, remembering it again and burying your brother alive, and he in turn returns from the dead now a zombie again only to end up teaming again a few months later as if nothing happened. Umm, ya. Plus, holy crap!TWO members of the Michaels family on the same episode of Smackdown?! Quick, someone get to the Hickenbottom of this! All this, plus inside jokes that only 2 people will get! But too start off the show, we have Cole and Coach kissing each others asses but berating each other at the same time. It's a very big night tonight because the announcers tell us Smackdown will be getting a special appearance by SHAWN MICHAELS who will talk about Ric Flair even more. Wow, that's almost as good as the last time Shawn Michaels made a special appearance on Smackdown in a cage match. You know, like a month ago.
Edge and the Guerreros are out with their slave, Theodorus Longus, but you don't have to mind him. He just pulls the wheelchair and grows the crop. He's whipped for making Edge fight someone other than Funkai sometimes, and- WAHH! IT'S TOO SAD! THEY TREAT HIM LIKE ABSOLUTE CRAP! Vickie is still in her disabled and in a wheel chair, even though she ran like a nut during Taker's funeral last week. But I knew she had the strength. She does have strengnth, you know. She lost her husband, and with Rey out, she has to take Dominic on her vacations to Disney World and that crap. It's extra hard because Dominic is Rey's size, and sometimes Vickie doesn't see him and steps on him. Hey, at least she can fit Dominic inside her clown car of a car. Anyway, Edge vows to Vickie that he'll win the World Title again, and Chavo vows to get his ECW title back. Yeah, the Guerrero name is ruined because Chavo can't win a mid-card title. (Boy, this is turning out to be more disapointing than Hornswoggle's cruiserweight title reign.) Vickie then announces she has a surprise - they'll both be getting rematches in four weeks at Backlash. I guess they're doing a storyline with Kane similar to that of nobody and Orlando Jordan where every week nobody would beat OJ in even fewer seconds than the week before. Still, Kane pinning Chavo quicker than nine seconds is still going to be tough to do, even if it is Chavo Guerrero at a Pa y Per View. Vickie then announces tonight's Main Event is Undertaker vs Kane in a brother vs brother, champion vs champion, streak vs streak match. The streak being, Kane never having beaten Taker in a singles match. Can the ECW Champion make it happen tonight? I don't know, but I gotta say having the ECW Championship around your waist doesn't exactly put the odds in your favor of winning the match. Or any match. Commercials!





Damn! Hardy vs. MVP as the curtain jerker. Well, I guess they need time for Kane/Chavo part 2 at Backlash.





1st match: Matt Hardy vs. MVP: non-title





They do try to pick up where they should be storyline-wise by really going at eachother. MVP is absolutely livid, while Hardy seems calm but still furious. They start off with brawling and tumble out of the ring, where Hardy busts MVP's SKULL into the ring barricade. He rolls him back in where he delivers an elbow to P coming off a whip, to which Cole states "there's nothing technical here, this match is an all out brawl!" Yeah, the old Irish whip into the elbow takes me back to Abdullah-Brody or Cactus-Fun k. Hardy stays in control, utilizing more than a few headbutts. He takes MVP down after a hard clothesline and MVP rolls out of the ring. Hardy follows him out and nails him in the head with some elbows and sends him back into the ring again. Upon his entering from the apron, P delivers a knee to Hardy's face and delivers a Final Cut to Hardy whose legs were propped up on the second rope. He starts beating Hardy's head into the mat and takes full advantage of his turn to look dominant before throwing Hardy out of the ring, where he smashes his face into the announcer table. Back in the ring he delivers a flurry of elbow drops and a Camel Clutch, but Hardy fights his way up and gets out with a side slam. MVP soon regains the momentum with a big running boot on Hardy for two. Afterwards he starts to stomp his face and comes off the top looking for a Warrior's Way double stomp on Hardy's face but Hardy moves away and clips his knee from behind upon landing.





Cole and Coach seem legitimately pissed off at eachother. Coach criticized Cole's lack of telling a story by saying "What is this, tv or radio? Tell me some story here!" and Cole sarcastically remarked "Wow, sure is hot here tonight!" before dropping a line about Coach not getting to say much at Mania. The two crappiest announcers fighting over who is worse. It's actually rather annoying to listen to, but damn I hope there really is something here and they have to get broken up. Plus it might get JBL the hell away from the WWE Title picture and, more importantly, back in the announcing seat. He was not overrated, seriously.





Anyway, Hardy proceeds to screw up MVP's knee in a multitude of ways before just straight slamming it into the ringpost. Twice. MVP gets up and is selling it by looking uneasy on his feet, but not in that ridiculous oversell to no-sell back and forth sort of way. Hardy plants P with a bulldog for two and so goes back to working the knee. Coach : "I've been told when you've got a guy locked into a move like that and you hear them scream, it-it makes you feel so good." Just in case you thought I was exaggerating about how hell awful he is. P breaks this by pulling his hair, but Hardy keeps on by wrapping P's knee around the ropes from the outside, but P kicks him away and meets him out there to beat him up in front of a little kid in the front row that was just cheering Matt seconds before. Awesome. Upon rolling Hardy back in P delivers a "Wooo!". He gets a two and goes for a clothesline, but Hardy counters with a Side Effect. Second rope elbow to the back of P's head as he was getting to his feet sets up the Tw ist of Fate, but P stops that shit with a clothesline takedown. Great spot followed which saw Hardy in the corner and MVP begin to hobble over for the boot, but Matt runs up and dropkicks his knee, screwing it up even more. Matt Hardy stalks MVP as he was getting to his feet and executes the Twist of Fate as he turned around for the pinfall. Great match.



Winners: ME! COLE AND COACH CAN'T CO-EXIST! And Matt Hardy too. Commercials!





2nd match: Festus w/ Jesse vs. Zack Ryder w/boyfriend





We are back and Festus is in a normal match. Let's see if he looks remotely like a legit singles star, and not just like Eugene on steroids. After the bell rings, I mean, before the bell he looks more like Eugene anti-depressants, also known as just Eugene. Anyway, Festus goes from coma mode to tard mode, hit a sloppy f-5, and wins.





Winner: The one in the tag team. Oh, they're both in tag teams. Well, you figure it out.





My favorite thing about OVW was when they'd have Matt Striker or somebody on and make like it's a big deal. "We have a HUGE star guest commentating today, all the way from Raw, MATT STRIKER!" and Striker would cut a boring promo and everyone would treat him like he's some big celebrity. Actually, that was my second favorite thing about OVW. My favorite thing was all the WWE PPV posters they had hanging up everywhere, except they were advertising shows that happened like a year and a half ago.






Back and the announcers tell us that if Undertaker or Kane refuse to fight eachother, they'll both be stripped of their titles. Since when the hell do they give a crap about eachother? Yeah they team together like twice a year. They're still a soulless zombie and a merciless demon. They're not going to give a crap. Elsewhere, Michaels is on his way to the ring. More commercials.





Back to a recap of Ric Flair's retirement celebration from this past Monday on Raw. Shawn Michaels then comes out and says that all that Old Yeller business may not have been the best way to express how he truly feels about Ric Flair, but he finally got some closure when he went out and hugged him on Raw. He was about to say why the hell he's even here when Batista comes out to say he's glad Michaels got some closure, but he didn't, and neither did other people. He says Sunday was emotional for him because it was the last time he'll ever see his friend and mentor wrestle, and Shawn took that away from him. Well, I mean, there's always DVDs, Batista. Surely there's a lot of Ric Flair's career you missed. Wait, crap, how old is Batista again? Like 40? Maybe there really isn't much left for him to see. Michaels says it wasn't easy for him, but he had to. Batista says Michaels knows he made the wrong decision, but HBK says Flair told him to bring his A-game, and that Batista would have done the same. Batista says he wouldn't have because he'd put his ego aside for friendship. He then says Shawn Michaels doesn't do jobs. Batista said that. Batista. He says Michaels is the most selfish man he knows. Again, Batista said this. He says HBK should've laid down for Flair. Michaels starts to reply but Batista doesn't give a crap and asks Shawn if he meant those Old Yeller comments, if he actually saw Flair as a pathetic, dying old dog. He then throws down the mic and leaves to "a mixed reaction." Aka, it was pretty quiet other than a few boos and one loud jerk cheering his opponent, just because. Basically, he got the typical Hardcore Holly reaction. Commercials!



Holy crap!. Matt Bentley. And that dopey Russian that's been randomly appearing on tv on and off for the past year and a half waving to the crowd. But Matt Bentley! It's about time they brought him aboard, he's really good. Surely you've been expecting WWE to pick up Matt Bentley. You know, the former X-Division champ from TNA? He went by "Maverick" Matt for a bit after TNA started bringing in WWE guys and therefore pushing their original guys down the card? He was in Serotonin with Raven? Oh yeah, and he's also related to Shawn Michaels. There you go.



3rd match: Vladmir Kozlov w/ bad reaction because he's Russian vs. Matt Bentley w/ no popularity at all



Kozlov doesn't get music or a video, but gets a bunch of boos anyway because of the image of the Russian flag that appears up on the area around the video screen. Anyway, Kozlov screws Bentley up for a minute, roaring after every move he does, before pinning him after some type of slam, it was quick and a crappy angle. He's kind of like a Russian version of Heidenreich.


Winner: Vladmir Kozlov



4th match: Moore and Yang vs. Miz and Morrison



Anyway, Miz and Yang start off with Yang looking strong after a Rana. Moore gets the tag and he dropkicks Miz and goes for the cover, but since this isn't 1963, it only gets two. Miz then tags in Morrison who lands a backbreaker and the Soul Kitchen on Moore for the three. What the hell?



Winner: Gay and Gayer. After the squash, The Great Khali came out and into the ring. The tag champs charged but Khali swatted them away. He then destroyed Yang and Moore. What the hell? Khali grabs a mic and mumbles a bit. This brings Big Show out for... some reason, I'm sure, and stares Khali down. He grabs the mic and says that since Khali got in his face on Raw, he's here tonight to get in his face. Then Khali leaves. What the HELL? Commercials...



Guess where Wrestlemania is going to be next year? Houston. Guess what the Main Event will be? Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels. Okay, that match has almost no chance of happening, but damnit, it should. Anyway, Finlay and Hornswoggle are still recovering from getting hit with aluminum trash cans at the hands of JBL at Mania, but they'll return next week. Speaking of which, so we found out Hornswoggle is Finlay's son...that still doesn't answer who the hell Vince's son is. Is this going to be resolved or am I expecting to much? I mean, there was a mother suing Vince and stuff. Did that just go away, or...? Allright, I'll stop overthinking. And by overthinking, I mean thinking.


Teddy Long is out now and he's here to announce the winner of the Diva Contest which, unfortunately, isn't like an opposite Diva Search, in which the girl who wins gets fired. And why would it be? That doesn't even make sense to do it like that. You're an ass. Long introduces some guys who built the motorcycle that the winner will get. Michelle McCool and Cherry, the two finalists, come down. One of the biker guys gets on the mic to announce the winner. Turns out it's Michelle McCool! Between dating Chuck Palumbo and Undertaker, this girl has probably been on more bikes than that guy from that tv. You know, the OCC bike company. But no one gives a crap about that show, so forget it. Anyway, Victoria comes out and says this is crap, she's the number one Diva on Smackdown. She tries to clothesline Michelle but McCool dodges and beats Victoria down, which brings out a MYSTERY DIVA. She beats up both McCool and Cherry before hurling McCool into a ringpost. They did something like this once a few months ago with a mystery Diva helping Victoria beat down Torrie Wilson, and then we never saw her again. I was about to start speculating about a Diva faction but I'm just too damn apathetic. Commercials.

Back! Mania rewind video, followed by Kane's entrance. He apparently had the second fastest win in Wrestlemania history this Sunday. How prestigious it must be to be involved in a nine-second match at the biggest show of the year. Guess Kane got blamed for his Mania match with Khali from last year sucking so bad, whereas Khali was rewarded with a World Title run. Oh well, the ECW Title is still pretty prestigious in that "at least it's not a tag title" sort of way. Commercials.

5th match: The Undertaker vs. Kane

This went pretty much as you'd expect and/or have seen multiple times. Slow, boring, and you don't really care even if you like both guys. However it was a good competetive match in the brother vs brother sense they were trying to make it. By the way, Cole and Coach were still trading sarcastic insults and all around assholishness, and not in that funny JBL berating/threatening Cole sort of way. Like it'll be silent and Coach will say "I don't mean to interrupt you and your commentary, Cole, but I have to point out...". I think these guys seriously hate each other because since they've been commentating together, they've made each other, along with everybody else, realize just how bad they both suck. Anyway, as far as the match went, one cool moment though was when they each hit a big boot on each other and went down as the ref counted, and at seven they both sat up at the exact same time and stared at eachother as the crowd cheered. That actually made me interested to see where it was going to go. Unfortunately, where it went was to hell because the Edgeheads, Chavo, and Edge interfered immediately.

Taker and Kane both get beat down as I realize Chavo and Edge are wearing eachother's shirts. The heels then back off and celebrate but Taker and Kane are back up and fighting. Edgeheads get thrown from the ring and Taker and Kane each land a chokeslam on their Backlash opponent before picking them back up for simultaneous tombstones. After the match the Taker's blue light is cast over the arena and his music plays because, well, come on. The ECW champ's lucky enough to even be on this show. They walk up th e ramp together, belts in hand, and pause at the stage to look back over their shoulders before raising their titles in celebration. END SHOW.

BK: Batista vs. Michaels, MVP vs. Hardy, and Michelle vs. Mccool was good.

Papa John's: I hate Big Show vs. Khali and Chavo vs. Kane.

Remember when Popeyes was popular?: Remember when a wrestler could win a match with a headlock or a bodyslam? That just sucked.