The REAL Smackdown Rant

Posted by Roadkill

Alright! I blew off the SD rant earlier this week by just posting results, but then I realized that what I did was wrong. So here is the REAL SD rant:

Here it is, the WWE's last two hours before Wrestlemania! Time to cram as much crap as they can from all the other shows onto here because, let's face it, Raw kind of sucked, nobody watches ECW, and Smackdown doesn't have anything to offer anyway. The show kicks off with Chuck Paluser, and proceeds to go even farther downhill from there as Kane is making his way down to the ring to trade clubs with some big other guys.

1st match: Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo vs. The Great Khali vs. The guy with a hole for a belly
button: 4 man battle royal

Chavo Guerrero is on commentary for this match because he's the only guy with 24 #1 contenders, and he'll be losing Wrestlemania's curtain jerker. And because there will be a 24 man battle royal at Mania, where the winner will get a shot at him later in the night. This battle royal includes TOP TIER STARS SUCH AS ELIJAH BURKE AND ROBBIE MCALLISTER. I"ll be watching this on WWE.com, just to see if the TNA chants start. That's how you know they're thinking of 'ya, Robbie.

All the heels gang up on the only face, Kane, because we all know that heels and faces are in an endless and pointless war with each other. Just 'cause. Anyway, Paluser is elimanated by Kane. Kane is attacked by Henry and Khali. Kane is making Khali look 1/2 decent. By comparison, I mean. Kane hasn't entertained me since- uhh..., errr..., forget that. Kane is elimanated by Khali and Khali by Henry.

Winner: Mark Henry

After the match, Chavo goes to attack Henry. Chavo comes off the turnbuckle, hoping to take Henry out of Wrestlemania with a crossbody apparently, but he gets slammed right down. Henry stands tall! Sort of! Seriously. Even next to Chavo, he doesn't look much different than Taz. Other than being obviously much heavier. And you can't forget that black hole in the middle of his stomach. Plus a Henry crowd isn't ever exactly like Taz's at Heatwave 98, but screw it. I've already made the comparison and I'm standing by it.

Hey, later tonight, Edge is going to hold a FUNERAL FOR THE UNDERTAKER'S LEGACY! You know, just like Mark Henry did. And Randy Orton the year before that. And everyone he's ever fought at Mania. I WONDER IF THERE'LL BE A CASKET! Commercials!

2nd match: John Morriosn vs. CM Punk

This is like watching that episode of ECW in the summer. Which episode, you ask? EVERY EPISODE! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, their summer fued was good. But the promos sucked. Punk's promos always went like this, "I'm gonna get dat belt, k". Morrison always made a crappy Y2J promo attempt, giving himself nicknames like, "The Shaman of Shitty, The guru of Gay, The Tuesday Night Fright. Ya' know? The kinda fright you get when someone like Herbert from Family Guy goes up to you?". Yeah, I think it went like that.

The briefcase is above the ring. GET IT YOUS GUYS!!! But they don't. Anyway, Morrison stuns Punk with an elbow. Stuff happens, and then the men go outside the ring as we CONVIENENTLY go to commercials.

Back and Punk's got a figure four locked in on Morrison's neck, but Johnny kicks it in nitro and flops himself over, getting his leg on the rope. Punk stays in control with a flapjack and Morrison willingly hurls himself out under the bottom rope to escape from Punk, holding his throat and shoulder. Morrison doesn't only bump like a jerk, but he sells, too! Punk goes out onto the apron in pursuit, but Morrison kicks his leg out from under his leg (TM Owen Hart) and Punk falls to the floor. Morrison rolls him back in and sends his shoulder into the steel post and works him over to get a two count. He targets the shoulder with a unique arm wrench. Punk chant starts up as he kicks his way out of it. Morrison off the ropes with a springboard spinning kick attempt but Punk ducks and Morrison kicks air. They exchange kicks and whips until Punk wins with a back body drop. Punk with a monkey flip on Morrison and off the ropes with a low dropkick to his face right after Morrison hit the mat. He follows up by clotheslining him out of the ring.

Punk points at that big orange sign and then the briefcase, but then, instead of going for the briefcase and laying the challenge down now, the fool lands a suicide dive on Morrison on the outside. BUT DON'T YOU WANNA NUTHER ECW TITLE REIGN?! Apparently not, because Punk continues to go after Morrison, stalking him up the ramp as he begs off before grabbing him and rolling him back into the ring. Springboard clothesline is ducked by Morrison, but Punk rolls clear and is up to meet Morrison's charge with a p owerslam for two. The crowd is loud, for excellent reason. They exchange a few pin attempts. SHADES OF MALENKO-BEN, ER...JAMIN. I said Benjamin, Shelton Benjamin. You mean you didn't see their feud? It was all over No Heat. Don't tell me you don't watch Heat?! Ah, well. Anyway. Punk shoulder breaker gets him another nearfall. He charges Morrison in the corner and Morrison gets his foot up, but Punk stops himself. Morrison gets a backbreaker-neckbreaker combo for two. He lands a couple kicks to Punk's face before Punk gets him up into the fireman's carry, and the crowd pops, more because they've been trained to do so at this sight by Lesnar and Cena than actually caring about the GTS, but whatever. Morrison reverses with a rollup and Punk kicks out. Slingshot into corner, Pepsi One bulldog plunges Morrison down, and Punk goes for the cover as if he's ever won a match with the bulldog. Morrison kicks out, leading to a huge Punk chant as he sets Morrison on the top turnbuckle. They trade punches and chops over control before Punk lands a huge fucking Rana off the top. Double count now, but Punk crawls over and drapes his arm across Morrison, but he kicks out with his hips. That's a weird thing to say, but it's what he did. Both men up and Morrison counters the GTS by hammering elbows into Punk's head. He goes for the Soul Kitchen but Punk reverses into a quick GTS and falls to his knees to catch his breath before pinning Morrison for the well-deserved win, with every person in the crowd counting the three.

Winner: C- M- Punk. Nananananananananaaaaaaa! His music is so bad. Anyway, this is a well deserved win. Why do they even bother with guys like Henry and Palumbo? I thought this match would get a fat sack of crap fired, but I'm wrong. I hate SD. I loved this match. But I especially hate SD. But I especially love this match. But I- COMMERCIALS!

3rd match: Kofi Kingston, Jesse, and Festus vs. Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, and The Miz

I don't watch ECW, so this is the first time I'm watching Kofi. He's such a stereotype. Just like every other foriegn wrestler in WWE. If he's this bad, then why did Cade and Murdoch come from Raw just for a cup of Kofi? Makes no sense.

Cade and Festus to start things off, and Cade admittedly cracks me up in his surprise over Festus' transformation. Festus chases him around the ring and back inside slams him. Murdoch comes in illegally to get slammed as well, and Miz gets uppercutted off the apron, just because. Jesse gets the tag and comes in with a crap like neckbreaker. I've never seen Jesse do anything that didn't convince me they pulled him out of OVW basic training early to stick him on TV. Anyway, he puts Cade in a headlock that goes nowhere and proceeds to get torn up by the heel team between tags because, well, that's just what Jesse does. He meets his "partner in peril" equal in Murdoch, and they screw around for a bit before Kofi gets the tag.

Kofi comes in off the top turnubuckle with what looked to be a karate chop on Murdoch's arm. He reverses a whip into a crossbody pin on Murdoch for two. Apparently satisfied with his Smackdown debut, Kofi tags Jesse back in because tagging in the big fucking monster who never sells shit and always kills everybody is just too obvious. It has no tact. Jesse and Murdoch underwhelm everyone some more before Jesse goes up top, only for Miz to hilariously shov e him off from the apron and Jesse goes tumbling to the floor. Good. I hate Jesse. Miz got the tag I guess and so he rolls Jesse back in. Miz hides the fact that he sucks even worse than Jesse by angrily kicking and shoving Jesse a lot before quickly tagging back out to Lance Cade. He controls Jesse of course before tagging in Murdoch and lifting him up for an assisted leg drop for the two. I swear to God it sounded like Murdoch yelled "Steal our gimmick boy, huh?" Seriously. Youtube that stuff. I'm too lazy . Jesse crawls toward his fellow gimmick thief but Miz is in to stop the hand transaction. He is on (basic) offense again and resorts to grinding his, um, mittens? into Jesse's face. Jesse escapes with a jawbreaker and tags in Kofi while Festus was busy getting bitchslapped by Cade on the outside. He comes in with what look to be, I'm going to sound like a fucking idiot, they look like horizontal karate chops. Like a Flair chop if Flair turned his hand sideways. He springs off the top turnbuckle with a big sunset flip on the Miz for two. Unnecessarily energetic Russian leg sweep, and then Kofi does what appears to be a sort of Scotty to Hotty tribute by going "Oh, oh, OH!" and dancing over Miz before landing a double leg drop to his stomach. This guy jumps around like a monkey. I guess they still live in the trees in Jamaica. Cade and Murdoch jump Koko before he can pin Miz, but Festus is in to mow them down. The ring is cleared save for Kofi and Miz, and Kofi hits a nice leaping kick to the face of Mizanin for, um, the three? Well, that was anti-climactic.

Winner: The Jobbers and The Hillbillys. Oh sorry, that was both teams. Kofi, Jesse, and the retard.

Is Kofi high all the time cause he's Jamaican? That must be why he's a winner! Getting high could never hurt anyone!


3rd match: Batista vs. Shitsky

Batista hits the powerbomb.

Winner: Batista. It's so stupid that they spent all of last year building him up and pushing him, and know h's nothing but a jobber. Then Teest powerbombs him onto a steel chair. Just befriggin'cause. Commercials!

Remember that time CM Punk rode to the ring as one of John Cena's gangsters in the main event of Wrestlemania 22? Yeah, that's as close as Punk is ever going to get to the main event of Wrestlemania.

4th match: Cherry and Michelle Mcool vs. Maryse and Victoria

Yeah, right.

Winners: What are you, stupid.

5th match: Chris Jericho vs. Montel Vontavious Porter; MVP vs. Y2J; The U.S. vs. Every other country; Codebreaker vs. Jailbreaker; Walls of Jericho vs. Walls of Prison; Lionsault vs. Violent assault;

We start off with a commercial. Damn.

Hey, want to see a bad movie? Go on adultswim.com and watch ATHF:MFFT. That show is great. Hey you know what's better than a ATHF classic? Nothing. You know what's funnier than a new ATHF episode? Everything.

They're playing up the fact that these guys don't like eachother with a lot of stiff reversals and angry-sounding grunting. I mute the tv. Not because of the grunting, but because Coach and Cole just repeated the Money in the Bank rules and list of competitors for the third goddam time since the last commercial break, so, yeah. Screw that crap. They stay on eachother for a bit until they wind up in the corner and the ref breaks them up. A bitchslap from MVP gets him taken down and they exchange punches. Jericho's elbow busts P in the face, so MVP catches his breath on the outside where he makes a gesture that the announcers say is the NBA signal for a time out. I don't know, I don't watch sports, ever, but there you go. Jericho dropkicks his ass through the middle rope and lands on his feet on the outside - that could've easily screwed up. Y2J slams MVP's head into the announcer's table and goes back in, content with a count out win. P is up on the apron and Jericho looked for his springboard dropkick, but MVP stopped that with a nice looking boot to Jericho's throat. No, really. It actually did connect there, and not in the abdomen but Cole says it's the throat or temple anyway. I muted him, remember? That gets two, and Y2J regains control and charges at P in the corner, but P dodges and Jericho hits the turnbuckle and goes on tumbling to the outside as we go to commercials.

Why did the Reese's break up with the Hershey's Kiss? He couldn't get past second base. Hope you liked that, because I'm still on that pro-writing gig. Remember that? I ended that gimmick of mine 6 weeks ago, but know I'm haunting you once again with my hiku's and poems and paragraphs.

Back and MVP's got Chris Jericho in a sitting abdominal stretch. He gets to his feet and escapes only for MVP to knee him in the head as Jericho charged. He drops some knees and picks up a couple nearfalls before getting in Jericho's face and trashtalking while pounding away on him. P stands Jericho up and gets in more punches before Jericho reverses a whip into a rollup for two. MVP up with an eye poke and a knee to the face. BALLIN elbow drop gets two, so he whips Jericho into the corner and goes for his running boot but Jericho dodges and P's leg gets hung up before he limps away. Jericho off the top with a forearm to MVP's back that would have been much, much cooler if it was a bulldog, but it wasn't a botch.

I'll admit it, I unmuted it back when MVP was trashtalking, and now I'm pissed off again. The announcers say Jericho's been in ladder matches before (without mentioning he invented MITB, but that is to be expected) and then repeat the goddamn rules of it AGAIN. What the hell, either these guys are sweating for something to say, or they suffer from severe short-term memory loss. Back to mute. Now, back to the match. Jericho and MVP exchange control with big moves. A big clothesline from Jericho got him a nearfall, but MVP put him back down with a release belly to belly suplex. Jericho gets two off a Northern Lights Suplex pin. Pretty awesome that I know that move's name. Go customizable movesets on vidya games! Enziguri and bulldog from Y2J but MVP gets his knees up to block the Lionsault, which Jericho sells by standing completely upright before taking a knee and gasping. It sounds like shit but it looked good. Huge running boot puts Jericho down and he b arely kicks out. P dragging J to his feet leads to an attempt to get MVP in the Walls, but P kicks him away and nailed a second huge running boot to Jericho's face for another two. Playmaker set up but Jericho spins out and locks in the Walls of Jericho for all of three seconds. MVP grabs the bottom rope and goes out on the apron, guillotining Jericho when he came over to him. He walks off and grabs both belts, throwing the Intercontinental belt into the ring and entering holding his own. The ref confiscate s Jericho's belt but P charges with the US title. Jericho however counters the charge with a Codebreaker that sent P's face into his own belt.

Winner: They didn't say, so I'll go with The Highlanders. They could use a win.

Cole states MVP has been disqualified (you got me, I don't literally mute the tv, but that's not because they don't suck, I'm just really lazy) and Jericho cracks up laughing. He then goes out and pulls out a ladder, to which Cole exclaims "THE LADDER IS USED TO RETRIEVE THE BRIEFCASE." Muted. Really. No, really. Jericho runs at P and the ladder bounces off his head, putting him down. Jericho then poses over MVP, holding up the ladder like a ridiculously heavy belt, before throwing it down and posing on the turnbuckle. He makes his exit looking back and forth between his Intercontinental belt and the briefcase. That was pretty cool. But up next - crap we don't give a crap about!!! Commercials!!!

Back to John Legend reminding us he'll be at Wrestlemania this Sunday, just in case there was anyone on the fence about buying it.

And now, for your main event, Edge is out! In a suit. Damn, that's right. His lackeys only get dress shirts. Edge has got his solemn sunglasses on and enters the ring, where there's a casket and candles and a Taker portrait and potted plants and all that spooky shit. There's also Vickie in a black veil. She looks like the unlovable child of Elvira and Pugsley Addams. She's still in her wheelchair and is still legal owner of her "servant" Teddy Long, who is out in his best and only suit. He introduces Vickie as SD! GM and the World Heavyweight Champion Edge. Edge proceeds to go on about Taker's Wrestlemania Streak, including listing all his victims and saying "the annals of history", just like every year. And I cringe, just like every year. He then gets all worked up and angry and says all of Taker's accomplishments will be eclipsed by THE RATED ARRR SUPERSTAARRR, and kind of spit when he said it. Edge is crazy. He hands the mic to Vicky and she talks him up, leading to him nuzzling her neck, which makes her t hrow her head back and laugh, giving us all a clear shot of those great big old horse teeth. Watch your fingers, Edge! She says "the boys and I have a surprise for you", and a video is played showing, The Undertaker Tombstoning people. The end of the video stated that Edge is a beacon of hope against Undertaker, and he will become a legend. Edge is near tears upon watching it and hugs his man-children. He then turns to Vickie and says she truly is the love of his life. He then speared her out of her goddam chair.

Goddamnit why couldn't that be true? I hate Vickie, and I really don't want to recap that stupid wedding. What's he need her for now anyway? Ah, well. Maybe after Wrestlemania. Anyway, what actually happened was Edge licked Vickie's face until Undertaker's gong donged. The lights dimmed a dark blue and Edge directed both Edgeheads to immediately leave the ring and hurry up the entrance ramp. Well, SURPRISE! To someone, somewhere, maybe. Taker gets up out of the casket and punches Edge in the corner as the Edgeheads rush over to get beat up on as well. Taker then lifts Edge up and, in the most assisted chokeslam ever, gently sets him in the padded cushiony casket. Teddy gets right the hell away when Taker turns his attention to Vickie, and she follows by getting up out of her chair and sort of oozing out of the ring. It was pretty awkward. Taker then busts one Edgehead through the podium and tombstones another as we see Edge, um, "recovering" and making his escape from the ring while the other Edgehead also received a tombstone. Taker then stares Edge down from the ring, but decides he doesn't care enough to go after him. Kneel pose, eye roll, and this has been the last stop on the Road to RASLMANIER folks. Hope you enjoyed, um, something, somewhere? END SHOW.

Dane Cook: Punk vs. Guru of Gay Morrison was good.

Carrot Top: ECW'S stacks of crap division.

Remember Jim Gaffigan?: I remember years ago on Raw when Stevie Richards would get in a dress and interfere in Victoria's matches for a few weeks and the announcers were like "Who is this mystery woman?", and then one time he did it and the camera closed up on his face, but it was covered so you couldn't see it, except a guy in the crowd right behind him clearly shouted "STEVEN RICHARDS, HEY! HEY IT'S STEEEVEEEN RICHARDS!" so loudly King had to acknowledge it and was like "Hey, do you think it could be Steven Richards, JR?" and JR said "Well, uh, well frankly I don't know what to think." That was amazing.