Blast from the past PPV recapitation

Posted by Roadkill

Welcome to Wrestlemania 21! The showcase over the immortals!...But hey, if this was really true, don’t you think there’d be a whole lot less dead wrestlers out there? Just saying.

This Wrestlemania 21 is Wrestlemania goes Hollywood. If you call LA HollyWood. Anyway, Lillian Garcia will start off the show with the national anthem. Why? Because she is an exceptional singer and everyone loved her CD. Sadly, "Canada, the cold and depressing" and "England, the grey, damp and colorless" were left off Lillian's song list. Too bad.

No real opening video package here, rather, we just get another movie parody, this time of Stone Cold Steve Austin doing “Gladiator”. Hey, I didn’t know they had plastic orthopedic knee braces in Ancient Rome!

1st match: Eddie Guerrero w/ lying, cheating, stealing vs. Rey Mysterio w/ lying...about his height. 5'6"? Come on.

WWE is weird. Rey and Eddie have a great rivalry, and 6 months later, Rey is kissing Eddie's ass because of the steriod scandal. Wait! What do you mean Ed- HE DIED! THE STERIODS KILLED HIM! GODDAM SIGNATURE PHARMCY!!

My apologies to any Guerrero fan. He has cool hydrolics- I guess. Speaking of which, Rey doesn't come out in a vehicular- err...- vehicle. I'm sure there's a tricycle waiting backstage for him.

Cole mentions that Eddie was main eventing Wrestlemania last year. Yeah, just bury the poor guy, Cole. Let everyone know what a curtain jerker he is. That's like going to a freakin' cancer ward and telling the guy "Just last year you had hair and more than six months to live". I hate Cole. Why not just tell everyone next that Eddie's wife is fat, and he suffers from Erectile dysfunction? Might as well strike while the iron's hot, jerk.

The 1 drawback tonight is that Rey's mask keeps almost falling off. I can relate. The same thing happens to my pants- well, I'm not gonna go there.Anyway, Mysterio hits a great flying corkscrew plancha on Eddie on the arena floor, then eventually, back inside, Eddie regains the advantage, and hits all Three Amigos. Start with Chevy Chase. He deserves it for making such crappy movies. OK then. Anyway, Eddie goes up, but misses the frog splash, as Rey, unlike, umm, frogs has the presence of mind to roll clear. It's at this point that Cole starts rattling on whether we'll see the "REAL" Eddie Guerrero tonight. Real Eddie? Quite frankly, I'm a little surprised that Eddie had the know-how to create a completely identical clone of himself. But if anyone could do it, it's Eddie. In fact, I picture him breaking into a Lab, stealing the vital DNA information needed to create such a replica, then quickly tossing his weapon to a security guard, and laying out cold on the ground. While the rest of the security guards bicker, Eddie then slips out, and jumps into his get away low-rider and bounces out of there to the beats of his wrestling theme music. Completely plausible, right? OK, maybe not. I truly suspect John Ace had a hand in it. He's been wanting an entire company full of clones for years, so it is the most likely answer....

Rey hits the 619, but Eddie counters the West Coast Pop into a powerbomb. The end sees Eddie try a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker, but Rey rolls through into a cradle and picks up the win. The real Eddie backstage then cries out in anger, while the Eddie Guerrero clone in the ring dissolves into liquid, and is quickly replaced by a second without anyone noticing. True story.

Winner: Rey Mysterio. This is his first 'Mania win. And this is Eddie's Umpenteenth Wrestlemania loss. When your only PPV win in a year is against Luther Reigns, you know your in a bad position.

JBL is seen walking in the back with his chief of staf and new U.S. Champion(dear lord) O.J. And for the record, that's Orlando Jordan and not O.J. Simpson. Although, with the impending 2005 Divas search coming up quickly, I'd personally have no problems with Jordan spontaneously turning to random murder. Just saying. Hell, someone could just hand Vince a waiter's tray too, we'll make a night of it!

JBL then sees Triple H, and they argue over who is the better champ. That's like Akon vs. Michael Cole in a street cred contest. They both swear to win or whatever and we're onto our next match.

2nd match: Edge vs. Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Christain vs. Chris Jericho vs. GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED

Ya' know why I love this segment? I'll tell you. Because every time I do one of these *SURPRISE* Benoit is in a mid-card match, meaning I can make all the dead people jokes I want. I'm a horrible person.

WWE stinks when it comes to ladder matches. To them, a ladder is 20 feet high and 300 pounds. And they are made from the world's strongest and heaviest metal, ALIMINUM! My Dad must be the strongest dude in the UNIVERSE, because I distinctly remember him carrying one of these with one hand out of the basement to change a lightbulb when I was a kid. He was that mighty.

On to the match. This was almost like a triple-threat match, where 2 guys go at it and everyone else pretends that that last closeline really hurt and decide to just stay down. Idiots.

Kane starts off by beating the hell outa everyone, then Benoit counters a chokeslam into a crossface. I mean THE GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED counters the chokeslam into the CROSSFACE THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Then Edge gets a move THAT NEVER EXISTED too. He resists *tapping*. If only he had this same fight to resist umm, tapping, Lita's butt. Matt Hardy would still have a job. Instead of just a box of luchamasks taking up space in his garage that he can't seem to get the Ex to ever come pick up. From there, Kane picks up the ladder and smashes it into Benoit’s shoulder (this is a huge plot point later) and Chris does a great sell job.
Then Edge and Christain do a ladder coinchairto. Shelton Benjamin closelines Jericho off the ladder. Anyway, Kane goes crazy next and takes out almost everyone, including Shelton & Christian (and Tomko who ran in, the "problem" needing "solving" being, umm, how to ruin a perfectly good match?) before tumbling off the ladder with Jericho. Benoit then gives Kane a headbutt off the ladder. Damn. Kane is apparently a zombie now, so he does the Undertaker sit-up. Benoit however headbutts him off the ladder while both were jockeying, and from there, looks to have clear sailing to the briefcase, but Edge sneaks in and clobbers Benoit in his bad arm with a chair and quickly scales the ladder to win the match and gain the guaranteed title shot.

Winner: Edge. He's 4-0 at Wrestlemania and 1-0 at cheating on Matt Hardy's girlfriend.

Eugene comes out and proclaims his love for midgets. Hornswoggle wasn't here yet, so you can imagine everyone's reaction. Then Hassan and Daivari come out in a white suit. They are not racially intolerant today! By the look of his suit, he's been driving the good humor truck. Weapons of mass deliciousness. Anyway, Hassan attacks Eugene and puts him in the camel clutch, but not before making THAT THROAT SLASHING INNUENDO THAT I THOUGHT WAS NOW FORBIDDEN. They then cut away to Luther Reigns, who cries a single tear at Hassan’s apparent insensitivity at his life's misfortunes. Ok, maybe not. Anyway, as if it wasn’t obvious, this brings out Hulk Hogan…dressed in his gear and coming out to a cued “Real American” as if this was to suggest that it wasn’t a totally spontaneous moment and it was planned this way! If only real life was like this. Being a hero would be SO MUCH cooler. Someone's robbing a bank, and suddenly your strange nu-metal theme music starts blaring from nowhere and you thwart the robbery. Clearly life needs to be more like Wrestling. Clearly. Then he beats the crap out of Hassan and Daivari. He no sells a chair shot to Daivari and leaves.

3rd match: The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton

It's Wrestlemania. It's Undertaker. We all know the result, but I'm gonna review the match anyway.

The big story here of course was whether the Deadman would surrender his celebrated record, but the finish became kind of telegraphed since it was revealed recently that Orton requires surgery and will be out of action for at least 4 months. But hey, it's taken his dad 20 years to get over a broken wrist, so maybe this is the last we've seen of the Legend killer.

The build up to this match was funny, as Orton said on Raw that he had what it took to beat The Undertaker, and pulled a Chuck Palumbo by RKOing his girlfriend to prove himself. If you were rivaling with Steve Austin or Palumbo, this would work, but it's not gonna impress Taker. Nice break-up though. That Orton's a real thinker.

The HIGHLIGHT of this match for me was Cowboy Bob getting involved, and using his CAST on Taker, allowing Randy to get a nearfall. I just love these nostalgia spots. (See Arn’s spinebuster at WM 18). Anyway, Taker recovers and swats Ace off the apron, and looks to finish Orton with a chokeslam, but Randy counters it with an RKO mid-air. Taker kicks out of the RKO (he is the 1st one to do so). Orton tries to give The Undertaker a tombstone as I scream "Noooo!" in slow-mo, just like in movies. This is like trying to kick Kurt Angle in the stomach, or Flair going to the top rope, or trying to power bomb Rey Mysterio. It just won't work. Undertaker just counters the move for win #13.

Winner: The Undertaker. Loser: Chuck Palumbo and Steve Austin. After the Keibler incedent, they would love to face this guy. Domestic Voilence vs. More Domestic Violence! Wrestlemania 25! Make it happen! Make it happen!

4th match: Christy Hemme w/ Lita vs. Thrish Stratus: Women's title

So, the playboy match and women's title match are now one. The big story to this one is of course that Hemme is a Playboy covergirl and Trish doesn't respect her for what she believes is Hemme capitalizing on this to get a undeserved push. And isn't it technically true? In the real world, huge opportunities don't fall into your lap just because you're naked. Trust me. Just the other day, I kicked off my pants at work in hopes I'd get a promotion. And once I was back from jail, I found that nothing had changed. Wrestling has baffled me.

Anyway, we are told by JR that Lita is Hemme's mentor. Dear God! Lita was Matt Hardy's mentor too, and now he is somewhere in the Carolinas waiting for Lita to pick up her stuff. Like her pictures of Edge, and that present she got- from Edge. How could have Matt not seen the Edge thing coming? Because he didn't open his eyes, he's at his house cutting his wrists while his friends say, "Forget her man. Lita probably had a sex change before WWE anyway, so forget about it." So sad. So sad.

Anyway, Trish kicks her for the win.

Winner: Trish Stratus. Loser: Hemme. You picked Lita as your mentor?! No wonder you're the one posing for playboy, you dumb pantsless prostitute.

If I had to rate this match, (I usually don't), here's what I would give it:

Yes, one screaming Mike Tenay. That converts to zero stars, for all you idiots out there.

5th match: Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels

I absolutely LOVED the build-up to this match, and was very entertained by Angle’s vow to accomplish everything that HBK has done in his ENTIRE career, all inside of 4 weeks... although, I was somewhat perplexed as to how Angle was going to refuse to lose some ten championships inside one month… Anyway, to be honest, this match to me was the only one that had that “big match feel” up to this point, and boy did they not disappoint.

The match started off slow, on the mat, as Michaels and Kurt traded various rest-holds, but soon it got more heated. On the floor, Angle delivers a vicious Angle-slam into the post outside the ring, and goes to work on the back again inside. Eventually the action spills back outside, where Angle tries to German suplex Michaels off the apron! But HBK counters with a low-blow that draws surprising heel heat. Still outside, HBK hits a crazy modified Asai moonsault as Angle lay on the announce table but both slide off and it doesn’t break. Still a great spot, though.

Anyway, both men slowly recover, and make it back inside before a count of 10. Michaels rallies and hits his top rope elbow, and sets up for some chin music but Angle sees it coming (I don’t know, maybe he actually HEARD THE STOMPING?) and hooks in an anklelock, but Michaels gets the ropes, again to some boos. A great series of counters by both men next, as Angle goes for more anklelocks but HBK keeps countering them into pin attempts. Finally, Angle settles on the Angle slam and goes up for a huge moonsault. Ross insists this is a page from HBK’s book, but I insist Kurt is the author of this particular “book” because I’ve seen him peel off the moonsault many times (damn JR). Anyway, that misses, and HBK heads up, but Kurt is playing possum and hits a HUGE top rope Angle slam!- but HBK still kicks out! Angle, rightfully frustrated, grabs Michaels and berates him, telling him that his time is over, but Michaels pulls back and hits a straight superkick on the button and Angle is out. I guess he was tired of that whole "turn the other cheek" thing. I don't blame him. From there, slow to cover, HBK only gets a really close 2. Angle then revives and grabs Michaels ankle! HBK tries to kick away but Angle keeps rolling through; Michaels try to get the ropes but Angle pulls him back. Finally, Angle scissors the leg and after almost a minute of writhing, Michaels taps out. Bret Hart watching from Calgary then cackles to himself, and puts his HBK voodoo doll back in the drawer, and says "mission accomplished".

Seriously though, I’ll never say anything bad about HBK again (well, maybe). AWESOME match.

Winner: Kurt Angle.Clearly, if this rivalry has proven ANYTHING, it's that Kurt needs to accept Jesus into his heart. Because if JC can reform Marty Jannetty (Martyr Jannetty?) from slipping stuff into young girls drinks, and allow Shawn to permanently re-attach his smile, surely he can do wonders for a “broken freakin’ neck”!….

Piper’s Pit is next. Hot Rod comes out looking a MILLION times better than he did the last time we saw him. He must have finally given birth. Anyway, Piper calls out Austin, whom he takes offense to being labeled “WWE’s biggest rebel.” Who the hell ever called Austin that? Piper slaps Austin right off the bat, and Austin slaps him back without hesitating. Although, my theory is that since Piper was wearing a skirt here, he couldn't help himself. Ah, I kid, Steve.

Anyway, the two trade insults, but Carlito of all people interrupts, and tells both men that no one wants to see them anymore. Piper tells Carlito that he looks like “Alfalfa”, but I think he meant Buckwheat. Oh, well. His heart is at least in the right place. I think. Maybe. Who knows though with a shape like Piper's. Piper then grabs Carlito’s apple and spits it in his face,and this leads to CCC attacking Piper, until Austin pulls him off. What's it with Piper and fruit? If you ever see him in the fruit or produce aisle in the super market, I seriously suggest just turning your buggy around. It can only end badly for you. That said, one Roddy eye-poke later, Austin stuns Carlito, and Austin and Hot Rod celebrate with some beer. HEY! WHAT ABOUT PIPER'S SICKNESS?! I guess it comes and goes. Austin then of course stuns Piper. Enjoyable stuff from both guys here.

6th match: Big Show vs. Akebono: Sumo match

Every Wrestlemania, they get a celeb. If you call Akebono a celeb, you ain't with it. Or you're from Asia. I'm not gonna recap. This match gets that Mike Tenay rating.

Winner: Akebono

7th match: John Cena vs. JBL: WWE Championship

Ah yes. The WWE Title match. Wrestling God vs. God, is he trying to actually wrestle? No? Ok, how about Wall street vs. umm, That bad neighborhood 6 blocks away from your house? Sounds about right.

Anyway, I don’t know what the hell happened here, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but, THIS WAS NO WAY TO END JBL’S TITLE REIGN. There I said it. Anyway, it’s not that the match was terrible, because JBL actually worked very hard. But it was just so obvious how little they care about this Title. It was like this match was trapped in a heat vacuum, as the crowd was completely apathetic towards the match and Cena in particular, as there was even a smattering of boos for him. What up wit dat, Dawg?

Anyway, JBL dominates much of the tempo here, and actually carries this match. YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT. JBL CARRIED A MATCH. And normally, I'd find out if in fact Hell had frozen over, but I was afraid they might suddenly remember it was my time to spend eternity there, so I didn't bother. Good thinking.

JBL dominates much of this match, but Cena rallies after a while and catches JBL with a powerslam as he jumped off the 2nd rope. 5 knuckle shuffle followed a by a charge in the corner by Cena, but JBL gets his foot up. JBL then goes for the Clothesline from Manhattan by way of Hell, but Cena ducks and hits the anti-climatic F-U out of nowhere for the win and the title. That’s it. No false finishes. No hope spots. No outside interference. Nothing. Just a midcard style match…that by the way was for the WWE’s Championship. Ten months of building and it ends like this. Psicosis' assault episode was better than this. Hey, at least I laughed when I heard about it.

Winner: John Cena. The first African-American WWE Champion. Wait! He's white! But the rapping! And the gang! And the bling!

Main Event: Batista vs. Triple H: World Heavyweight title match

Hey, it’s Motorhead! Here to perform “The Game” live! Hey! Someone should probably remind Lemmy what the lyrics to this damn song are ‘cause I think buddy is just winging it here. “I am the Game, Inaudible garble, garble, garble!" Anyway, HHH emerges from the stage from there, Gangrel style; only he’s not a bloodsucking vampire… although he tends to leave most of his opponent's pushes that way. That's right.

As we go into this it looks like we can get a potential 30 minute match here, which under some circumstances might not be the best idea, but DAVE is ON, tonight.

Anyway, Batista dominates early, and scores with a huge press slam that looked awkward, if only because it looked to be an unassisted legit dead lift. Damn impressive though. From there, HHH gets the advantage, and distracts the referee so Flair can choke Dave with his jacket (Flair does this a couple of times). It's at this point I suddenly remember HHH's speech recently, where he gave a speech equating himself as Batista's father. I then marveled at how it was in fact scientifically possible that an infant had the ability to father Batista in the late 1960's. But more so than that, I would be lying if I said the whole speech didn't remind me of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. I guess we'll know how far Triple H has really taken things if by night's end he presses Flair over his head and dumps him into the arena's reactor. (and what reputable arena doesn't have one of those?)

Anyway, both men eventually spill to the floor, and HHH attempts to pedigree Batista on the steps, but DAVE counters that into a slingshot, and HHH careens into the post and does some serious color. Man, JBL may be a wrestling God, but HHH is willing to die for our sins here. Back inside, Dave MURDERS HHH with a huge clothesline in the corner then follows through with a big powerslam for two. Both men spill back outside, and HHH tries to use a chair, but the referee blocks the attempt. Back inside, Flair charges DAVE with the title in hand but gets squashed with a spinebuster. HHH however recovers the belt and clocks DAVE with it for a nearfall. Hunter then gets scooped up into a spinebuster and Batista attempts the finishing Demon-bomb but that’s countered by a low blow, which Dave, unlike every other wrestler lately, sells like he was ACTUALLY HIT ON THE FREAKING BALLS. (seriously, that stuff hurts, and kudos to Dave for finally selling it like the tragedy it is…). Triple H then goes for the pedigree, but DAVE, blocks, pries his hands free from the underhook, scoops up Hunter and squashes him with a version of the Kryptonite Krunch. Dave then FINALLY finishes with the Batista-bomb, 1,2,3. New Champion. Good match with a perfect CLEAN finish. Dance, Batista, by God, Dance, you magnificent bastard.

Winner: BATIIIIIIIISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! END SHOW

Last Word: Good PPV. The WWE Chammpionship match sucked, though. I like calling Batista DAVE. That's funny.