The Smackdown Rant: 3/21/08 episode

Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown, losers. We see Batista vs. Umaga in an animated match. No Batista didn't suddenly grow charisma, or learn how to cut a promo. It's a Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 match. Batista wins. But for now, the real Batista faces Duece 'n' Domino, just in case some people are late getting to the arena.





1st match: Batista beats, I mean vs. Duece 'n' Domino





Batista isn't Big Show, so this match involves tagging in and out. It's pretty good for a squash match. Batista loses at first, but then he throws Domino into a pole and Batista Bombs Duece. But don't think Domino was hurt from the pole. He sees Duece's every night.





Winner: Batista





Hey, it's Maryse! She was voted the world's crappiest diva that the fans don't want to see, but she's still here. That only because she's "doing TLO favors". Oh, you saw it. A month ago she said she wanted to show him something, and went behind a locked door with him. Anyway, she reminds Cherry that Duece 'n' Domino just lost. But that's just because she's french and doesn't like stereotypical Americans- DUECE, DOMINO, CADE, MURDOCH. She then says the Diva Contest Competition Extravaganza or whatever the hell that takes up an entire segment every week is rigged, which frankly that is just crap. WWE may have Michelle McCool win everything and have her strip the longest and have the announcers put her over as an orgasm personified, but damnit, extreme bias is where they draw the line! They do have morals, Maryse. She then calls Cherry a dog and leaves. You know, it'd probably be easier to boo Maryse if the Diva she called a dog, well, wasn't one. Commercials!



We are back and it'sVickie's slave, Theodorus Longus. Without his master! Run, TLO, run! There's a vacant barn down the block! But, he doesn't run. But the lake's only half a mile from here! Still, he stays put, because he has to watch a bunch of prostitutes arm wrestle each other. Yes, it's the 3rd part of the "Divas do crap while you take a crap and get a snack" tournament. This time, it's an arm wrestling tourny. Because the divas can't actually wrestle each other. No, no. Even though it would probably be the best match tonight (look at the card). Anyway, Victoria beats Eve by blowing her. Michelle beats Cherry, and then beats Victoria. As if you didn't think she would win. Come on, the announcers are bias when it comes to her, and she wins like every match. Then Victoria is elimanated, and goes into a rampage, but Michelle stops her. SuperMcool does it again! Her kryptonite- none! Her talent- dry in that department too! Commercials!




Back to the same crap about Big Show and Floyd Mayweather they've run ad nauseum. A giant threw a skinny dude whose never wrestled before and a bunch of guys broke his fall? Crap, where's my check book?!


And now for a match we've seen ad nauseum since Big Show's returned - Big Show vs Some Cruiserweights. Holy crap, that's the Naturals! And some other dude. But the Naturals!

Actually I wasn't a huge fan of them in TNA. They were basically just a way to have America's Most Wanted not have the tag titles for a few months, before winning them again in tremendous fashion, of course. Oh, well. Pink bandanas are still kind of cool, I guess. They also show an interview with Chris Jericho where he says Big Show is strong.


2nd match: Big Show vs Chase Stevens & Andy Douglas & Other Guy.

Show throws them all around before landing a Final Cut on Stevens. He then chops the other guy before sending both him and Stevens out of the ring. A punch to Douglas's face gets him the win.



Winner: Show. As if he was gonna lose. Commercials!



3rd match: Edge vs. Funaki



Edge hits tombstone, mocking Taker.



Winner: Edge. This is the night of the living squash matches.

Listen, I'm a busy man. Here are the rest of the results:

Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo: No contest
Miz and Morrison def. Jesse and Festus
The Undertaker def. Chavo Guerrero

Sorry, but I promise next week will be very funny.