Hello people of the world. Isn't it weird when you say to your friends, "I spend my computer time reading corny blogs written by a guy named Roadkill". Isn't even weirder when they look at you funny after you tell them that? Isn't it even weirder that O.J. wasn't guilty? Wait, I'm getting a little off topic here. Who? What? When? What am I doing? Who are you people? Why can't is see you? Why does Orton use so many Chinlocks? How come Cena always wins? Why do Stryker and V have an affair?
Sorry about that. I was getting a little off topic. I promise it won't happen ag- what is this fabulous box? It says tissues on it. WOW! It's a magic box filled with infinate paper. Hey another peice of paper! And another! And Another...
A few hours later:
HUH! No more paper. But they were so fabricy and soft and- oh, sorry again. I won't be that easily- WHAT'S THIS! It's a CD! It's so shiney! Ohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!
An eternity later:
Damn! My gray beird is so itchy! Oh, sorry again. I just- Huh! Another box of these tissues! More Paper! And More Paper! And More Paper...
The Next Day:
And Another! And Another! And- oh, sorry. Whelp, I better get started. The show starts with Edge Cutting Himself. That's right- it's the Cutting Edge! With Edge! And Vickie Guerrero and Theodorus Longus, the slave. Surprisingly, this show isn't Matt Hardy cutting his wrists while his friends say, "Forget it man. Lita was spoiled anyway." Tonight's guest is Ric "I'm gonna lose to Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania" Flair! Or Rickety Ric for short. Edge starts off by saying that Raslemanier (as the rednecks call it) is going to be very depressing. He's right about that. ain't paying $50 to see a has-been break the Big Show's jaw. And I ain't paying an extra $10 for HD either. Who would want to see Mcmahon's wrinkly face? Then Edge says that the PPV is depressing because it will be the end of The Undertaker's Wrestlemania Streak and the end of Ric Flair. Anyway, Flair comes out and he is ready to be interviewed. Edge disses Flair for being old so Flair disses Edge for dissin' Vickie by using her to advance his career so Vickie disses Flair by making it Flair vs The Three Edges next week in a cage and so Flair disses Edge by slapping the chin off his face. Exaggerating, of course. You couldn't get that chin off with dynamite. Commercials!
We are back and it is announced that Batista will face MVP for the U.S. title tonight. Maybe Matt Hardy will come out and set up the only decent mid-card match for 'Mania (see Finlay vs. JBL, Batista vs. Umaga, Big Show vs. Has-been boxer). And seriously, who is out for 5 months because they had their appendix removed?
1st match: Jesse, Festus, and CM Punk vs. The Miz, John Morrison, and Chavo Guerrero
Remember when Festus had to be "fixed"? He probably went to the same guy that CM Punk went to when he had to fix his "addiction to competition" problem. As you can see, this doctor must really suck. Anyway, the bell rings and Festus is an UNCONTROLABLE MONSTER!!!!!! The Miz and CM Punk start things off. Punk lands a kick to the MIDSECTION. Then The Miz rallies a bit and throws punk into the ropes, tagging in Chavo. Chavo, what the hell happened to your hair? You look like the before picture in the Chia Pet commercail. Punk tags in Jesse, because you can't tag in a monster and end this right now. Festus comes in illegally, but so does Morrison, so that ends that schtick. Jesse goes to the top rope, but Miz gets a cheap pop on him. Then Miz screams, " I hate your hometown of Dang-Diddly, Alabama" as we go to commercails.
Back and Chavo has the predictable upper hand against Jesse. Tag to Morrison who locks in an armbar, then tags to Miz while Jesse escapes and tags in Festus. He starts leveling people with his OVW Basic Training - Big Guy Classes and pins Miz for two, so this match devolves into a brawl like most Festus matches do for some reason. As the heels came in to break it up, Punk and Jesse took out Morrison and Chavo. Jesse with a suicide dive to the outside on The Poser King and Miz is left to take the Tropical Storm, or whatever the hell an F1 is supposed to be called.
Winners: From Darn-tootin' Texas and from Sobertown USA, CM Punk, Jesse, and Festus. Funny, I didn't think there was a sobertown. Everywhere you go, there is a person with a drinking problem. It's really- WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok Roadkill, hold back the tears. Be a man. You're a big bo- WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about that. Now that we are at a commercail, I would like to say that I hate the Miz and John Morrison. They are like the Rockers. Remember them? (You probably don't). Well, the Miz is like Marty Jannety xs 1,000. Except he doesn't make Myspaces for his cats.
Noble is backstage, with Michelle Mcool. She says that he doesn't have to prove anything by beating Chuck Palumbo. But ignorant redneckish Jamie Noble says that he knows exactly how Michelle feels about him. He says that he's a one-woman kinda guy, and that he needs to let her off the hook and recast her. Dammit, WWE! You could've made him a little less stupid. Go the Black Snake Moan angle. He should've said, "Michelle, I can't watch you to make sure that you don't go back to Palumbo. That's why I'm chainin' you to this here trailer. My six kids is gonna watch you while I go and get some more Moonshine and Ripple". Anyway, that was a retarded way to end that fued. No domestic violence from Palumbo? No Hell's Angels beating Noble with pool sticks?
2nd match: Batista vs. MVP: U.S. Title match
Who cares?
Winner: MVP, by count-out. He shakes the cobwebs off of his title.
Hey, why don't you have Batista actually rival with his PPV opponent for once. I always forget that Umaga is facing Batista at Wrestlemania.
And now a video package over the Hornswoggle-illegitamite son thing. Goddamn, how do you screw up an angle whose purpose was to fix a screwed up angle? Also, how many times has this video been shown? Can you spell redundancy?
Holy crap. Either Kane is going to job to Palumbo, or they're about to ruin six months worth of a big undercard push with one match. Either way, those damn idiots.
3rd match: Kane and Chuk Palumbo w/o Biker Gang
Palumbo is in trouble tonight. No Hell's Angels! No pool sticks! Oh boy! Anyway, Kane hits the chokeslam in a quick and boring match.
Winner: Kane
4th match: Big Show vs. Jamie Noble
The match starts. Noble punches Show in the stomach, but he's Show, so- well, I guess you know where this is going. Big Show throws Noble into the corner. He busts Show's cherry's and the red stuff squirts out. Wait, not that red stuff...
Winner: Big Show
Show unleashes his MAD BOXING SKILLS on Noble, making him roll over and die. And now that red stuff is all over the place. This time I do mean "that" red stuff. Commercails!
Busting your butt fighting for a living, or getting paid $20 million for sitting on a couch- but you lose your sense of smell or something... CHOSE WISELY YOUNG GRASSHOPA!
It is announced that Batista will face MVP in a No Holds Used- err- Barred match for the U.S. title. If Matt Hardy doesn't interfere I will express my anger by writing in Caps-Lock a lot. Next week, Ric Flair will face Edge, Zack Ryder, and Curt Hawkins in a 3 on 1 steel caged match. But now it's time for this week's irrelavent throwaway match.
5th match: The Undertaker vs. Edge, Zack Ryder, and Curt Hawkins
And this handicap match involves tagging. Of course it does. It's not like Vickie has THAT much power! I'm not recapping this, nobody cares. It's what you'd expect it to be, Taker hits his moves despite constant interference. The finish saw Edge get the final tag and was locked in Taker's new choke hold, but the Edgeheads broke it up. They both get double chokeslammed in a spot that actually looked allright. Not believeable of course, but you know. Anyway, after that Taker turns around and got drilled with a spear and pinned cleanly by Edge.
Winners: Edge and his heads. END SHOW!
The old Extreme (A chair shot): CM Punks tag match was Okay.
The new Extreme (A Dreamer DDT): MVP vs. Batista is getting older than Ric Flair.
The last Word: Remember DEADGUY 1313? Yeah, that guy. He wrote "The Corner of the Undead" on this blog. (The column which I sorta took over). Anyway, he saw the tape featured in "The Ring" last month and I haven't seen him since.
Remember when you actually gave a who about the celebrities appearing at Wrestlemania? Of course not. But man, this year's group is about the worst ever. Nobody knows who Kim Kardashian is, nobody cares about Snoop Dogg, I'm pretty sure John Legend is a combination of both those descriptions, and Floyd Mayweather's match is going to be a tremendous waste of time and money. There's not even a guy involved in that match anyone cares about, let alone a babyface.You'd think it'd be Big Show since, you know, he's the wrestler at the wrestling show and in his home state, but then he went and killed Rey Mysterio. The only thing good that can come out of it, I guess, is the hilariously pissed off crowd reaction.
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