The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Deadopossum





Hello, it's me, with the Smackdown Rant! Roadkill does this every week, but this week, he is somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, so I'll be recapping the worst show on televison.





Did you dummies believe me?! It's still Roadkill! If you've been reading, you'd know that I've been blogging as deadopossum for over a week! I think this is illegal, so I'll just start over again. Forget this ever happened.





Posted by Roadkill





Welcome to Smackdown! The show where it's normal for women in bikinis to wrestle. Speaking of women in Bikinis, it's time for pt.2 of the SD diva contest, hosted by Maria. One diva will be elimanated tonight. That diva is Maryse. (That elimanation only furthers the "Wrestling is Gay" arguement.) As she leaves, we start an obstacle couse. You must run throught the tires, go through the sack, and then climb THE WALL OF DOOM! Dum-Dum-Dum! Fastest time wins. Everyone has okay time, but then it's Michelle Mcool's turn. She goes through the tires, is pretty good in the sack (not what I mean- get your head outa the gutter), and climbs over the wall. Anyway, the winner is of course Michelle McCool, and for winning she gets...absolutely nothing. What the hell was the point of that, to show off their athletecism? Hey I have an idea, if you want to do that why not put the wrestlers in, I don't know, a wrestling match? You know, other than the fact that they don't know how to wrestle.


In the back now Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels hug. Flair's hair is looking especially yellow tonight. They'll be taking on Edge and his Heads later on in a handicap cage match tonight, which is non-career threatening by the way, just in case you thought there was any chance of Flair winning that. Flair doesn't want either of them to be injured before Wrestlemania because he wants the match to be great, and Michaels says between his bum knees and Flair's bad back, they'll be lucky to make it down that extra l ong ramp at Mania, let alone put on a good match. Flair agrees and they toast glasses of Wine as we hobble on to commercials.





We are back, and look. It's Moore Yang. But where's Duece and Domino. HUH! IT'S A MIRACLE...





1st match: Shanon Moore and Jimmy Wang-Yang vs. The Big Show





My uncle knows Show's cousin, so I can't really make any fat jokes. Besides that, I think you know how this goes.





Winner: The Big Show



Commercail!



We are back and this guitar riff can only mean one thing! The creative team doesn't know who Jim Morrison is!



2nd match: Miz vs. Morrison: MITB qualifier



Well, the Cole announces that Miz and Morrison will lose their titles to Jesse and Festus next week. I see the Guru of Gay and his partner breaking up. Anyway, who cares about this match? I'm not even gonna recap it.



Winner: Jim, I mean John Morrison. Good, quick match with a nice ending sequence. I wish Morrison would somehow tweak his gimmick enough to not just make me want to laugh/cringe during interviews and stuff, but regardless, his matches are always fun. Commercials.



Back to more Hornswoggle crap. Finlay is distraught over his son in the hospital and looks vicious as he threatens JBL at Mania. Finlay is good. It's too bad this feud is over a leprechaun bastard son. By the way, was it ever really explained why JBL decided just to jump in here or, what the hell? Anyway, MIXING THINGS UP now with MVP-Batista. Again. But it's No DQ, though! It'll be different, honest! Please don't change the channel to Survivorman! No can do, exclaiming Smackdown hawker. Oh wait , the US Title's on the line? Allright, Matt Hardy will be back tonight, I'm sure of it! They show footage of P defeating Jamie Noble at a house show to gain entrance into the Money in the Bank match. Just in case you thought they were actually going to have a Wrestlemania where a championship other than a world title was defended.



3rd match: Batista vs. MVP: United Staes title/No holds used match



Last week I said that if this match sucked enough, and Matt Hardy didn't return, I would express my Frustration in capitals.



GODDAMIT! MATT HARDY AIN'T BACK! TEEST DIDN'T WIN! WWE IS LIKE SHAQUILLE FREAKIN' O'NEIL AND A FREE THROW- IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Anyway, Umaga comes out and spikes Batsita, so MVP can get the pin.



Winner: NO ONE! MVP IS THE CENA OF THE MID-CARDERS! Commercials





Back in time for a super important tag match, because all four guys involved will be fighting eachother at Wrestlemania! Along with every single other undercard guy on the WWE roster. They'll all be competing in a big ass thrown together Battle Royal, AT WRESTLEMANIA, to determine who will face ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero later that night. At Wrestlemania. Because only SOME belts get actual title programs. All brands are equal, though!



4th match: Kane and a mouse vs. Khali and Mr.Domestic Violence... Violence



Kane and Palumbo start things off. Born of Fire vs Born to be Mild! Kane with a side slam, etc. on Chuck. He tags to Noble who lands a crossbody on Palumbo. He recovers quickly since he's of a higher weight class and drills Noble with a clothesline. Khali gets the tag and chops up Noble, Flair-style not Dahmer-style, just in case you thought Khali came in with a machete I guess. Noble STILL has trouble grasping his disadvantages as a cruiserweight, so Khali puts him down and explains to him why the fans onl y like big guys who stumble a lot and how nobody gives a shit about cruiserweights, ever. But since Khali doesn't speak English, he explains this by grabbing Noble's neck and squeezing the nerves. Kane comes in to stop that crap though, but Palumbo is in to do battle with Kane. In the meantime, Khali just plants Noble with the chokebomb for the pin.

Winner: Khali and Chuck Paluser. Where is the bike gang?

Chuck and Khali hilariously highfive eachother after the match. Not as good as Khali bumping knucks, but gold nontheless. Commercials.

We are back and it's main event time! No, it's not like last week's 3 on an old guy match. This week, there are 2 old guys! And there's a cage! And the ECW champion! And it's non-career-threatning! And there are 2 mid-carders! But will the unforgiving cage forgive anyone?

MAIN EVENT: Chavo Guerrero, Edge, Zack Ryder, and Curt Hawkins vs. Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels: Steel Cage match

Chavo climbs over the cage to get in, and serves his team by getting chopped down just like the rest of the Edges. Flair makes a break for it by scaling the cage, but Edge goes up to meet him. Flair chops Edge down though, but Chavo is there to bring Flair back down to the mat. Flair battles the champions while Michaels is taking on the Edgeheads. Edge then attacks HBK and the Heads go after Flair, while Chavo proves to be a worthless contribution to his team by sniveling on the ground. Edge whips Michaels to Chavo, who back body drops him into the cage wall. Edge then puts down Flair with a spear and so everyone turns to Michaels. He gets beat down and tied up in the ropes for Edge to deliver a spear on Michaels into the cage wall. Flair starts to recover so the Edgeheads beat him down. If you combined their ages, Flair would still have over a decade and a half on them. I bet Flair's feeling like an old man at night in a city park right about now. Edge brings Flair over to Michaels who is still tied up and t ells HBK to "watch this". All four guys lift Flair up and hurl him headfirst into the cage. Awesome. Flair is covered in blood and Edge goes for a mock pin on him in front of Michaels, then lifts up saying "Oh no no no!" and continues the beatdown. Man I love Edge. Michaels escapes from the ropes just in time for Chavo to tie him back up and choke him. The Edgeheads take turns grinding Flair bloody face into the cage wall. He then collapses between the cage wall and the ropes in a pool of blood. This is great! Edge turns to HBK and goes for another spear, but Shawn stops that crap with a kick. He gets untangled and takes on all four guys until Edge manages to whip him into the corner and he lands upside down like he always does. Elsewhere, as in three feet away, Flair is laying into the Edgeheads with chops, but the Champions are ignoring that crap. Chavo holds Michaels upside down in the corner and Edge connects with another spear. Edge then rescues the most pathetic wrestling clones since Fake Kane from Flair's stumbling, choppy um "onslaught" by hurling Flair across the ring into the cage wall. Dear God, why don't they do this every week?! Just all the crappy people you're tired of seeing, put them in some insane match and watch them get beaten up. Next week : Triple H and Batista vs The Entire WWE Roster, shoot fight grudge match! But that's undoubtedly for next week so I'll talk about it then, back to the current main event, Chavo and Edge hug while HBK escapes from the tree of woe in the corner. He and Chavo battle on the turnbuckle until Michaels slams Chavo's head into the cage, but collaspes right afterward. It is at this point that I finally mute the television. Cole and Coach are unbearable during a great match. Anyway, the Edges continue the assault on Flair while Chavo goes up top for the frog splash on the stroked out Michaels...who was getting to his feet when Chavo jumped. HBK catches him with a dropkick in midair, which Chavo sells like a gunshot, and Flair simultaneously lands a lowblow on Edge. Screw comebacks, I want to see an absolute squash here. Flair then throws Edge into both Edgeheads who were standing on the turnbuckle for some retarded aerial move setup I guess, and they get crotched on the rope. It's low blows all around (This isn't going to help the WWE with the "Wrestling is Gay" arguement)! Shawn Michaels continues this method of attack with a series of inverted atomic drops. He then busts Edge and Chavo into the cage, goes up top, and lands the elbow drop on an Edgehead. He then starts stomping the ground, but Edge is up and charging for a spear. HBK sidesteps and propels Edge onward into Chavo, who sells it like a someone tossed him the remote and he missed it and it instead tapped him in the stomach. Flair with a lowblow on the other Edgehead and the actual Edge. HBK and Flair each lock in a figure four on the two instead of, you know, escaping this fucking cage of death. Chavo Guerrero promptly stops that with a double frog splash. Edge is crawling towards the door when suddenly the lights go out, and when they come back on Undertaker is in the ring. He goes for a chokeslam on Edge, but gets jumped by the three remaining guys. Great plan, Taker, jump into a fight where you're outnumbered without a weapon or anything. Why the hell does he always turn the lights back on? Surely if he can summon lightning and rise from the dead, he can see in the dark. He brushes this off and lands a double chokeslam on the Edgeheads while Edge was ascending the cage. Chavo lunges at Taker while he was going for Edge and he gets tombstoned for his nobility. He then turns his focus back on Edge, but it's too late. Edge is over the top and out on the floor for the win.

Winners: Chavo Guerrero and 3 Edges. Good Match. END SHOW

Billy and Chuck: Great main event. MVP and Batista had their best outing yet.

Cade and Murdoch: Cole and Coach. Cole has been sucking for over 10 years, and who knows why Coach is still in WWE. He sucked as GM of Raw and he is a worse announcer. He should just stick with that gig he has with MSG and the New York Knicks.

Remember MNM?: I'm just going to rant about the announcing some more. Why is there so little emphasis on this? And it can't be a difference in opinion. NOBODY can think Cole and Coach sound good. At all. Ever. Nobody can. It's ridiculous and retarded sounding. They shouldn't be out there at all, but even the other shows' announcers aren't as good anymore. ECW is absolutely unlistenable (as opposed to just unwatchable) and both ECW and RAW sound weird as hell sometimes, some of the things those four say are so unnatural for them it's hilarious. But while the problem with some of it might be overscripting or stupid guidelines on what to say, the thing with Smackdown is even if you let the guys go out there by themselves, they'd still be crap. They're just bad announcers. Coach especially, but him being hurled out there isn't really his fault since he's always been crap. But Cole's been a lead announcer for almost a decade. He should be able to call a great match and not detract from it . Or at the very least hear himself and know when to shut the hell up. I can usually ignore it because Smackdown is almost always full bad matches and so it doesn't really ruin anything much, you just think "Man does Cole su-DEAR LORD IS THAT KHALI WITH THE WORLD TITLE?!" but the crap really shines through when there's something great going on you want to see and have to mute the TV just to be able to sit and see it.