matches. So in honor of the Ecw fans who think that ECW is still extreme (like a roll-up or a dreamer ddt is extreme) , I wrote up an extreme welcome to this PPV. This is what this PPV was like if you were there, which I was not:
1st match: RVD w/Marijuanna in his pocket vs. Randy Orton w/ Fine for trashing his hotel room: Stretcher Match
og splash. Who would ever use a 1-star frog splash? The person who uses that move should just call it quits. Anyway, RVD falls off the rope. Those drugs must be getting to him. Then Orton goes for RVD's head. He imagines him head as that lamp he smashed at the Holiday Inn. Then Orton tries to put RVD onto the stretcher but RVD falls off. Then RVD rallies briefly with a kick, (Surprise!), but back inside, Orton reverses the only finisher that stinks besides the Worm, The Rolling Thunder, into a powerslam. Then RVD gets up and goes for the Suicide dive, but lands on the stretcher. Man, they should call it the Attempt Suicide dive. His isn't dead. What kind of a message does this send to young teenagers? FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED KIDS. Anyway, Orton tries to roll RVD out of the arena, but then RVD awakens, kicks Orton, and then dumps his cold, lifeless body over the white lne. Just like the U.S. healthcare system. RVD wins the match.
Vince doesn't know what this slow eating cancer is, but I know Triple H and Steph know exactly what this is. They are probably high-fiving each other right now. They know that that uranium pillow they got him for Christmas is doing its job. Soon the company will be theirs. Muhahahaha! But when they get the WWE, it will go bankrupt within 2 years. Oh well!
2nd match: CM Punk, The Sandman, and Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, and Matt Stryker: Tables match
I don't know how Cor Von can call himself the Alpha Male. Listen to his entrance music and watch his entrance. He looks like the Alpha Gay. He is making those stupid muscle gestures with his arms. Hey, maybe he can join Matt Stryker's strip club. Oh wait, he already has. This match is a little boring. Matt Stryker is elimanated, Then Cor Von and Elijah are gone at the same time.
Winners: CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, and The Sandman
CM Punk's gimmick is a little weird. He doesn't like Marijuanna like RVD and Sabu, buts he likes beating John Morrison. And he would rather get beat by a male stripper at No Mercy (Male stripper being Big Fatty V) than have a ciggarette. Wait, a stripper beating a person! It's usually the other way around!
Backstage, Orton is talking to Edge. He says that Edge could be next, because of the WWE draft. He could also face Lashley. But Lashley has military training, so he would hide in Canada until the Draft was over. Why is Orton even here. His match ended like 20 minutes ago. And why are his tights still on? Oh, sorry! I forgot it was completely normal to walk around in your underwear at a Wrestling Arena.
3rd match: The Hardyz w/o boys vs. Bacardi and Cola AKA Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas: Ladder Match
The world's greatest tag team needs a win tonight. Why? Because in Vince Mcmahon's mind, they really are the WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM. Vince Mcmahon also thinks that Foriegn countries have no cities, hence foriegn wrestlers have no hometown, so they simply represent their country. To Vinny Mac, the world is the United States surrounded by water. Anyway, The Hardyz kind of dominate this match. The Hardyz in a ladder match. GEE I WONDER WHOS GONNA WIN?
Winners: The Hardyz. And without Boyz. Everyone in the WWE knows that using the word boy in your name isn't cool. Unless you're a Dudley. If you're a Dudley, you can use the word Brotha in your name. Just like Brotha Runt. Brotha Runt?! You gotta be kidding me.
Backstage, Khali is being interviewed. The lady asks Khali if he really thinks he can beat John Cena. He says yes. In a house? Ya. With a mouse? Damn Straight. On a boat? Yep. With a goat? Yeah.
4th match: Kane vs. Mark Henry: Lumberjack match
This match was supposed to be MVP vs. Chris Benoit. Benoit hadn't given out domestic crossfaces yet, so why make it Kane vs. Mark Henry. That's like choosing a cockroach over a hamburger. Well, Mark Henry can't leave the ring during this match, but that ain't gonna happen. This match was horrible, so I'll sum it up. Fat guys Bulged, Kane tapped, I put off suicide.
Winner: Mark Henry. JBL compares Mark to Bruno Sammurtino. Yeah, Henry is like Bruno. A Big, Fat, Immovable Bruno Sammurtino. Why didn't I see that before?
A video package for Vince Mcmahon vs. Bobby Lashley. A hair cut gone bad! Vince wins the ECW title! Tommy Dreamer gets mad! Wait...
5th match: Bobby Lashley vs. Vinny Mac w/ Shanny Mac and Umaaaaggggaaaa: Street Fight
Lashley dominates- again. He wins.
Winner: Bobby Lashley. He is so "SOFTSPOKEN" and "HARDHITTING". Boy, those catchphrases stink. That's like me having my catchphrase as "CIALIS TAKER" or "SMALL PACKAGE".
6th match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina: Pudding Match
This match was bad. Even though rumor has it that Randy Orton would like every day to end like this.
Winner: Candice Michelle
After the match, Maria comes out to interview Candice, but is thrown into the pudding. Then the ref jumps into the tub of pudding. Oh WWE, do the laughs ever start?
7th match: Batista vs. Edge: Steel Cage match
This match was dumb. Edge weasled out of the cage to win.
Winner: Edge
Promo for Summerslam-the biggest party of the Summer. My invitation must have got lost in the mail or something...
8th match: John Cena vs. The Great Khali w/Arab Bischoff : Falls Count Anywhere Match
This match stunk a bit. John Cena won when he FU'd Khali off the top of a crane. Crane? Where the hell did they get a crane from?!
Winner: John Cena
LAST WORD: The PPV had nothing to write home about. But I don't think my parents would like it if I wrote to them about Mark Henry and Batista. The ladder match was the best of the night. I liked it. This PPV was a WCW reunion PPV. The only diffrence is that there was no spinarooni and the Hulkster wasn't dressed in black.
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