The Smackdown Rant

Posted by Roadkill

Welcome to Friday night Smackdown. The show that really isn't changing friday nights. Don't pretend it's not true Teddy Long. Anyway, we start off the show with Edge. His accompanied by his cronies. Edge is talking, and the Edge-Heads are looking quierkier than Marilu Henner in a broadway play. Then Edge says, "Undertaker, I will take you down. I am a predator." Well, that got me laughing. Lets see what else Edge said: "Undertaker, you are 15-0 at Wrestlemania. I will end your streak. I will catch up to you. Camera, zoom in on me. I am the biggest thing out there, and I will end your streak." Then The Undertaker comes out and Chokeslams his Wrestlemania opponent, just like he does every year when his match is announced. Anyway, Edge said he was a Predator. Lets see how it would've went if he really was a predator:

"Undertaker, I will take you. I am a predator. You are 15 Undertaker. I will end your streak of not being, well, yeah. I will catch up to you on your walk home. Zoom in on me. I will catch the Undertaker and, uh, you know." It would actually be pretty stupid of 'Taker to come out if he really was a predator.

1st match: The Gold Perm vs. Jimmy Wang-Yang (MITB QUALIFYING MATCH)

We all now that Shelton is gonna win. I mean seriously, they're not gonna send a redneck to Florida ever again after what happened in 2000. No offense to anyone.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin. There ain't no stoppin' him. Yeah, actually there is. He jobbed to Paul London when he was on Raw and Kane keeps counting him out on ECW. might wanna change that jingle a bit.

Backstage, Maryse is with Theodorus Longus, Vickie's slave and soon-to-be caretaker of Edge's kids. The ones he had with Lita. Lita is out partying with Kane, and Edge is ruining the Guerrero family. Who's gonna watch the Little Litas but the slave? Anyway, Maryse tells TLO that she wants to show him something. Uh-Oh, Teddy can't watch Lita's kids-he's gonna have his own to take care of. Commercails. Pervs everywhere are stomping and throwing a temper tantrum. Why have a commercail now, they ask themselves.

We are back on Smackdown. Next will be the meeting of two go-nowhere tag teams.

2nd match: Busciuts and Gravy vs. Egg-creams and The Swing w/ Cherry w/ hair down and Cadillac

Duece and Domino have been less successful than Val Venis lately. Oh well, at least Val beats jobbers on Heat. Anyway, like every week, Domino hits the chinlock and the Leg-drop, Festus goes into Tard mode and flings Jesse at Duece for the pin.

Winners: Jesse and Festus. How does Festus go into Retard mode that quickly? I tried it once, but I crapped my pants doing it. Anyway, I like Jesse and Festus' gimmick. Wait, no I don't. I hate every Redneck gimmick. Every Redneck gimmick except-oh wait, I hate him too. Commercails.

Badabababa! I'm Lovin' it. I'm pretty sure you won't be lovin' it in about 10 years when your figure catches up to you.

Back and DAMN! ANOTHER SQUASH MATCH!

3rd match: Big Flabby V w/ his Valentine vs. Shanon Moore w/o a proper entrance

I think I know why V is facing a cruiserweight. V can't fit in the ring with a real wrestler.

Winner: Big Daddy V. Surprised he didn't eat Shanon after the match. Commercails.

4th match: Batista vs. MVP: Non-title match since MVP is always defending the title.

Before the match, MVP talks about Batista, saying that he promises not to lose to him again. Anyway, same crap as last week.

Winner: BATISTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5th match: Kane vs. The Great Khali w/o Muslim Mcartney

This was probably my favorite match of the night. Why? Because every match is my favorite match of the night- even though this was one of my least favorite matches. Anyway, Khali locks in the grip, Kane counters it into a pin, kinda like Krazy Kurt Angle when he goes for the Angle Lock. Unaware that I just compared Kane to Kurt Angle, the ref counts to three. Khali doesn't know he lost because his Translator isn't there to scream at him and make racist jokes.

Winner: Kane. Commercails.

Look kids. It's Chuck Palumbo. He beats his girlfriend and mugs people. He would be a great role-model...

6th match: Chuck Palumbo vs. Jobber

I'm Not even gonna bother.

Winner: Chuck Palumbo. No Domestic violence after the match. Hey, wasn't Chuck married to his old partner from 2001. His name was Billy, right. And- "You Look so beau-ti-ful.". Hey, whatdayaknow, it's Billy. He's got the Divorce papers right here Chuck. Commercails!

Back and Rey is giving a pre-surgery speech. He says that when he gets back, he will seek revenge/win world title. Nah, he's just just mad cause he's not gonna fight at 'Mania. Then Vickie Guerrero comes out. TLO is with her, and he doesn't look that happy. Guess Maryse didn't want to "show him something", but she wanted to show him something. Maybe her new purse, or Sidekick. Vickie says that Rey ruined her engagement ceremoney last week, so he's gonna pay. How the hell is she in a wheel chair? Michelle Mcool is abused by Chuck and she has no bruises. If she did, it was because she, "fell down the stairs". Anyway, she makes him fight Chavo. Because everyone is afraid of Chavo.

7th match: Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

It's the same damn thing every time.

Winner: Rey. After the match, The Big Show comes out and attacks Rey.

Viscera: Nothing. The whole show sucked. I actaully played my Xbox 360 from 9:45 to 10:00.

Big Daddy V: Everything was horrible. Too many squash matches.

Words to Inspire you: Remember when champions were actually booked to do crap and look good. Chavo was won one match since winning the title. MVP has defended his title 3 times since last May. News Flash- Holding a title and using it to score points with the ladies doesn't mean anything if you don't defend it. I'm talking to you, every champion in the WWE.