I do something every once in a while I call "The Blast From The Past PPV Recapitation". It is where I recap a PPV that happened months or years ago, The last one I did was One Night Stand 2007, but today I am recaping Armageddon 2003.
Welcome to Armageddon. Armageddon is here and you'll have to pay the ultimate price of $40 to watch Triple H squash Goldberg and Kane. Tonight we come from Orlando Florida, and Lillian Garcia is in the ring. What do you mean you never heard of her. She made that CD that only sold 50 copies. Anyway, we start off the show with the national anthem because some dictator was captured. The dictator was Forrest Whitaker. Wait- he only played
one. What about the Hulkster? Apparently, the man was known for evil scheming and would never come clean on all the things he buried during his tenure on top. The things the Hulkster buried: Ricky Steamboat, Andre The Giant, and Randy Savage. The things the dictator buried: Weapons of mass destruction. Well, that leg drop is a weapon- sorta. But this guy had 24 inch pythons too. I know Hogan would never be found hiding in a hole like Hussein, but you know, maybe he should. If I had Jeff Jarrett pestering me about his arrival to TNA, I think I'd go AWOL. just saying. Onto the show!1st match: Booker T vs. Mark Henry w/ hands that can CRUSH APPLES w/ Teddy Long w/ head too small for his body.
Well, Mark Henry isn't too good a wrestler and this match happened when TLO's character hated white people. That's why I'll just cut to the chase.
Winner: Booker T. Can you Dig It, Sucka? Boy I miss those days. He needs to go back to Booker T. What do you mean Booker went to TNA nad changed his gimmick?!
After the match, Mick Foley comes out. He says that there are almost a million signatures on the bring back Stone Cold petition. And there are only 5 names on the Triple H for champ petition, with 4 of them being Steph's. He says he's here to celebrate. Because having a party in the middle of a wrestling ring is totally normal, right? Then Stacy Keibler comes out to celebrate with Mick. Then Orton comes out and says that he wants RVD's Intercontinental title. That leads us to:
2nd match: RVD vs. Randy Orton: Special Referre Mick Foley: Intercontinental Championship match
Squash Match!!!!!!
Winner: Randy Orton
Video package for our next match which is:
3rd match: Christain and Chris Jericho vs. Lita and Trish Stratus
Another Sqaush match!!!!! Pretty weird match too. Did you know this all started because Christain bet Jericho that he could get laid before he could. The bet was for a Canadian dollar.
Winners: Christain and Chris Jericho. I thought Lita would do okay, being that she used to be a man. Wait, she was always a woman?! I could've sworn...
As Jericho leaves the ring, he gives a bewildered stare to Trish. Man, I hope these two crazy kids get together. If clotheslining a woman, disrespectfully spanking her, and equating her worth to one of the lowest denominations of currency isn't enough to create the foundation for a successful relationship, I don't know what will.
HBK vs. Batista package. Batista makes Evolution proud by costing HBK the Survivor Series. And speaking of Evolution, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out just what part he plays in the group. I mean, Flair is obviously the dinosaur, HHH the Cro-Magnon and Randy Orton is the Chinlockian Tiger... but where does Batista fit into the whole thing? Only Darwin knows for sure. But unfortunately he's not talking. This is probably because he's been dead for over a hundred years. But hey, whatever.
4th match: HBK vs. Batista
Yet another squash match!!!! This really is Armageddon.
Winner: HBK
After the match, a distraught Batista refuses to leave the ring. Maven and his unibrow then comes out for a match with Matt Hardy apparently. And speaking of Maven's one f continuous brow , I'm personally convinced the reason he doesn't have any hair on his head is because his body was only able to barely produce enough of it to cover his eyebrows. Anyway, Batista, angry that Maven dare impede on his sulking destroys Maven in short order and Matt simply rolls into ring and counts his own pin. Haha. Awesome.
-Backstage, Batista whines some more, as Flair gives him a pep talk, calling him "special" (Special like "Doofy" from the first Scary Movie). Flair goes on to say even the best ones fall, but they get back up, and go at it again. Unless they trip and fall and tear all their muscles while jogging alongside the road, and spend 8 months on the shelf as a result. Just saying.
5th match: Tag Team Turmoil for World Tag Team Titles: Featuring La Résistance, Hurricane & Rosey, Cade & Jindrak, Val Venis & Lance Storm, (C) The Dudleys, Scott Steiner & Test & SUPER DUPER MYSTERY TEAM!
La' Resistance starts off with Hurricane and Fat 'ol Rosey. La Rez are no longer representing France, but are now instead making their completely nonsensical base of operations in Quebec. Heh. I guess someone finally figured out that we're not actually at war with France. Some people might say "hey, we're not at war with Canada either", but I think Vince's booking since 1997 has pretty much ignored that argument altogether. Anyway, I guess Rennee's new gimmick isn't working, because Rosey pins one of them after a Superfly Splash. From there, Cade and Jindrak sneak in and elimanate Hurricane after the DISASTERUOS SCHOOL-BOY ROLL UP. OH THE HUMANITY! THE ROLL UP! The roll up is actually Jindrak's finisher. From there, Val Venis and Lance Storm come out next and soon the crowd starts yelling "Boring" at Lance, apparently forgetting the poor guy doesn't have that gimmick anymore. If they were here in 2008, it would be hard for them not to know what his gimmick was. The rest of the match is back and forth, but then Jindrak pins his opponent after the DEVASTATING CHOP BLOCK! CAREERS ENDED IN AN INSTANT! BONES BROKEN! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T USE THIS MOVE! Then the Dudleyz come in. after a few close calls, they pin Cade and Jindrak. The final team is Test and Scott Stenier. Test is pinned after the CAREER ENDING ROLL UP!
Eric Bischoff comes out and says that the mystery team is Ric Flair and BATISTAAAAA! HHYEAHUUGH! Batista gets the win after a Batista Bomb. The Dudleyz are elimanated in 45 seconds.
Winners: Batista and Ric Flair. Another title for Fluke Horsemen. Even a blind guy could see where this is going.
6th match: Molly Holly vs. Ivory: Women's title match
Hey, since when does a person not even on TV for weeks get a world title shot? What gives? Err, let me rephrase that; since when does a person not Triple H who hasn't been on TV for weeks get a world title shot? That's better.
Anyway, they literally added this match at the last minute, as Ivory is defrosted from her Cryogenic chamber for combat.
This match is rushed and sloppy and for the umpenteenth time tonight, someone wins with the DEVASTATING ROLL UP!
Winner: Molly Holly
Main Event: Goldberg vs. Triple H vs. Kane: World title match
Goldberg vs. Triple H. Again. Goldberg should change his catchphrase from "Who's next?!" to "Damn! You again!" But to sum this match up it was the umpenteenth squash match of the night. Boy, this was Armaggeddon.
Winner: Triple H. This makes perfect sense. He will be filming a movie when he should be main eventing Raw so the show makes sense. Hey, star actor! The guy who is supposed to be squashing Goldberg is your new co-star. Break a leg! (Tear a quad?)
CLOSING STATEMENTS: Nohing to write home about. But my parents wouldn't like me writing letters to them about Booker T and Triple H. I used that one last time. Oh boy, I'm running out of jokes. That one about the Hollywood writer is getting old too. Hey if you read my Smackdown Rant, You'd know what I'm talking about. But about writing, I can write. I wrote a Hiku about this PPV:
BATISTA FOUGHT TWICE
HUNTER FOUGHT GOLDBERG AGAIN
ORTON AND FLAIR DID GOOD
I know that the last sentence should have 5 sylables and it has 6, but still, pretend it has 5. Pretend or I'll have to kill CD619. No more wrestling trivia for you! Oh god, this is more ironic than Billy Jean. Of course that kid is not your son, MJ.
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