The Smackdown Rant: 2/8/08 episode

Posted by roadkill (Just like it is every week)



Welcome to Smackdown! The show that WWE still thinks is changing Friday nights. I'l tell you whats changing Friday nights. I gotta take the garbage out on Friday, meaning I go into some crazy sort of rage for about an hour. No worries. In fact, the only people who should be worrying are the people who book this card. Tonight's main event is eqiuvalent to the directions on the shampoo bottle. Rinse and Repeat. Especially repeat. This is Raw's main event, except Snitsky isn't in it and we have to look at Big Daddy V with no shirt on. Speaking of Snitsky, here comes the only man on the planet who is a worse wrestler than him: SHELTON BENJAMIN!



1st match: Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane w/o a mask for the last 3 years: Best of eternity series where every match ends in a count-out

I guess Shelton really is the Gold Standard now. He is a great wrestler now. Seems kinda awkward, being that his hairdue is a gold perm. Kinda racist calling him that too, since he's African-American. WWE: "MAKING STEREOTYPES LESS RACIST FOR OVER 30 YEARS!" The match starts. Pretty good, but then Kane and Benjamin start fighting on the apron. GEEZ, HOW WILL THE MATCH END?! Then Kane throws Shelton off the apron. The Gold Perm is counted out. Again.

Winner: Kane

We are reminded that Vickie Guerrero will be on Edge's Talk Show, The Cutting Edge. And since his talk show isn't really Cutting Edge, I'll remind you of what it is. It's not Matt Hardy crying while his Friends say, "Forget Lita,man". Commercial

Now its time for everyone's least favorite Hog-Rider to take on Everyone's favorite mouse. That's right, it's time for Jamie to fight Chuck Paluser. AGAIN! This should be a No Way Out match, but Jamie is too small, so it won't be. But if they had a PPV called Domestic Voilence... well, that's a diffrent story.

2nd match: Chuck Palumbo w/o anger management teacher vs. MIGHTY MOUSE! w/Michelle Mcool
Chuck actually won for once. And he beat somebody other than Kenny Dykstra- for once.
Winner: Chuck Palumbo
After the match, Chuck tries to run Jamie over. Silly Chuck, Jamie is the world's smallest superhero, you can't run him over. If I were the WWE creative team, I would have Jamie Noble killed. Now do you think I can write for Hollywood?! I've been giving you people this second-rate propeganda for weeks now. I can Write! Look at this Hiku I wrote about the Kane/Benjamin rivalry:

SHELTON REALLY STINKS
EVERY MATCH ENDS IN COUNT OUT
KANE AIN'T SO GREAT EITHER

See! I can write! But I will never write a Hiku again. HIKU'S TAKE YEARS TO MASTER!!! Anyway, Chuck is about to run Jamie over. But he decides not to do it, because this would be his second attempt of homocide. Why go to jail when you can just stab him in the back alley where there are no witnesses. Commercials.

We are back and DAMN! FESTUS IS BACK!

3rd match: Jessie and Festus w/o a single change in Festus' temper vs. Greaser 1 and Greaser 2
After the bell rings, Festus gets mad as always. Now I guess his retard power can win them the tag team titles. Anyway, the announcers say that Festus is madder then ever. God. Cole is more retarded then Festus. And what about Coach? The only reason he's still here is because he has gotten the WWE about three more viewers because of his job at MSG. Anyway, the match starts. Jesse starts off the match, gets his butt kicked, and tags in Festus. The retard power kicks in, as he rips off Domino's shirt and knocks Duece out of the ring. He splashes on Domino a bit. Then Cherry trys to distract Festus. Silly Cherry, don't you know what happened to the girl in Frankenstein? Then Festus hits his finisher for the pin.

Winners: Dumb and Dumber

Up next, Vickie back from her trip to the dentist.

We are back and Edge is ready for his talk show. It's no Oprah, but it's good. I'd compare it too... let's forget I ever said that. Anyway, Edge introduces his soul mate, back from her injury, Vickie Guerrero. WAIT! SHE WAS INJURED?! I thought she went to the dentist. She needs to do that. Then Vickie's slave Theodoreus Longus wheels her out. Edge tells Teddy to leave. Teddy is all like "I'm so sorry Mista' Edge sa'. Just let my people go, Mista' Edge." Then he leaves. He looks like a guy from a gospel song who was forced to change religions. Well, he is Vickie's slave. Edge says that he will ask Vickie an important question next week. Oh damn, it's another wedding. Well, time for TLO to fake another heart attack. Then Rey suddenly comes out. He is about to speak, but then Vickie says, "Speak when you're spoken to!" Yeah Vickie! Just like "CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD". I mean Rey is a kid, right? He is the size of an average seventh grader. Then Rey Slaps Vickie. Edge goes into angry boyfriend mode. He tries to attack Mysterio, but it 619'd. Then Rey apologizes to Vickie. Oh, Rey you dumby. Why the hell would you apologize to the lady that hit you with a chair last summer? Commercials

Back on Smackdown. They run down they No Way Out matches and what's this? More commercials. Boy I can't wait until Vince croaks.

Edge is backstage with the diva search winner. She asks him if Edge is gonna pop the question next week. Edge says "You'll find out next week like the rest of us." Damn, get ready for another wedding ruined by Hornswoggle.

4th match: The Edge-Heads vs. Jimmy Wang-Yang and Shanon Moore
Same match as last week.
Winner: The Edge-Heads

5th match: MVP, The Great Khali, and Big Daddy V w/ Arab Bischoff and The Stripper vs. Batista, Finlay, and The Undertaker w/ Hornswoggle under the ring, definetely
Oh man this match was bad. To sum it up, there was no winner and The Undertaker scared all the heels out of the ring. END SHOW

Booker T: I really like the Chuck/Jamie thing

King Booker: The Edge-heads need new opponents. And the tag division is bad.