No Way Out Rant

By CD619

CM Punk VS Chavo Guerrero

You know what? You guys already know how this match went down. It’s only been happening for the last 6 weeks anyways.Oh, and by the way, seeing Punk get booed for using the triple verticals is hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Chavo and Vicky Guerrero, the two people with perhaps the most sympathetic backstories in all of wrestling, trying to play evil villains. In the end, the dastardly Chavo Guerrero… umm… won clean with a frog splash. You know, I’ve always thought that move would have been better suited for a French dude. Oh well.

Winner and still ECW Champion: Chavo Guerrero

The Undertaker VS Batista VS MVP VS Finlay VS Big Daddy V (w/Matt Striker) VS The Great Khali (w/Fat Daivari)

Oh wow. Wow. If it was clear before, I think this matches proves exactly how thin the Smackdown Title scene is. And speaking of thin, I’m sad that Big Daddy V was actually able to fit inside a chamber. I was hoping he’s be smushed inside, pressing his flab up against the glass casing like the most disturbing funny face in the world. Why do I wish for these horrible things?

Batista and Taker start the match off, and I’m very sad that Taker didn’t end up in a pod. After all, it’s not every day you get to see a silent man wearing makeup and dyed hair *Actually* stuck inside a glass box.

Taker and DAVE settle absolutely nothing, so in comes Big Daddy V to meander about like a slightly perturbed elephant. Hilarious spot sees V throw Taker up against the cage, which apparently have “no give”… only for it to give out completely, thanks to some stage hand who clearly didn’t realize that locks go on stuff. Anyways, V eats a DDT for the elimination. Seriously, he ate the DDT. He’s gonna have some awkward bowel movements later.

Khali comes in and is all like “RAWR MY ONLY TALENT IS MY FREAKLISHLY ENORMOUS BODY”.. until Taker summons the power of jiu-jitsu and gogopowerrangersplata Khali in a quick tap out. Is this the same Khali who pinned the Undertaker clean with a chop?

Next in is Finlay, and holy crap, he just nailed Taker with the Celtic Cross. 1…2…. BAHAHAA, did you honestly think Taker would lose to Finlay? BAAAAAAHAHAAHHAAHA. Nothing of note happens until MVP comes in, and he manages to get in a couple of good shots to DAVE and Taker, until Taker scares him to the top of a pod. Uh oh. This is got “Black dude is gonna die” written all over it. But enough of my diary, MVP gets “chokeslammed” off the top of the pod.Finlay covers to eliminate MVP Hornswaggle pokes his little head out to give some wood to Finlay. Oh man, I love that last sentence. Anywho, Finlay starts firing off shots likes he’s in a bell tower, but eventually Taker is all like “Alright rookie, you’ve had your time”, and Finlay is all like “I’ve been wrestling longer than you”, and Taker is all like “Oh, you’re right. Perhaps I should show more respect to my elde-“ CHOKESLAM ON THE STEEL. Finlay is eliminated. So, it comes down to Taker and Michaelangelo’s DAVE. Geez. Didn’t see that one coming These guys continue to have an incomprehensible chemistry, and they proceed to have a nifty little sequence. The finish is one of the most original I’ve ever seen from Taker, as he avoids a lawn-darting into the cage by pushing back, pulling Batista with him, flipping over the ropes, into a quick Tombstone.

Winner, and number one contender for Smackdown: The Undertaker

Backstage, Edge is all concerned about facing Taker at Wrestlemania. Oh, come on Edge. It’s not like Taker is undefe-… oh, don’t worry, it’s not like he buries pe-… at least you might get put in to a nifty video package when Taker retires.

Ric Flair VS Mr Kennedy

Dear Ric,

You used to be awesome. Nowadays, your matches suck. Thanks for trying,though.

Signed,

Every wrestling fan ever.

Anyways, for the love of god, it’s a post-awesome Ric Flair match. I mean, he’s been around for so long… he’s touched so many generations, I think the pope just appointed him as a cardinal. However, at this point, all we get is some back drops, suplexes that awkwardly land on your side, and about 67000 chops. Kennedy does the best he can, but unfortunately, Kennedy isn’t the greatest at carrying a senior citizen to a passable match. Pfft. And he calls himself a man.

Anywho, Ric gets worked on for the bulk of the match, then magically locks in the figure four for the submission victory. Gasp.

Winner: Ric Flair

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge VS Rey Mysterio

So, as you all know, Rey injured his bicep before this match. But seriously, I love the Edge & Vicky Guerrero angle. I mean, where else in the world can you watch a horse and a cow suck face? And no, I’m not talking about www.horseandcowsuckface.com. Though, I’m upset no one had made that website yet.

Slackers. Get on it. Ok, so I’m clearly just stalling, because this match is shorter than.. oh crap, I already made Rey short jokes. Bah. Oh hell, you know how it ends. Edge counters a springboard and gets the clean pin with a spear.

Winner and still world heavyweight champion: Edge

After the match, Rey is all like “Aye aye aye, me minueto bicepo es el injurdo”, and out comes THE BIG SHOW. He’s lost enough weight to consider his hands to be saucepans, instead of skillets. He can no longer push an egg through his rings. The good ol’ days are gone.. I guess we’ll just have to accept the fact that his body parts are just, sadly, regular body parts. Laaaaame.

Anyways, Big Show pesters Rey enough to draw the ire of FLOYD MAYWEATHER. Truth be told, this is pretty huge for the WWE, because Floyd Mayweather is a pretty awesome heel – his antics in the build against Oscar De La Hoya drew the biggest PPV numbers EVER. So, of course, the WWE is smart and plays him out to be a face. Bah.

Point is, Mayweather legitimately breaks Show’s nose. Oh well. It’s not like I could use it as a doorstop any more… hmph.

WWE Title: Randy Orton VS John Cena

INTROS:

Randy Orton:

Guitar twang… HEY… guitar riff….

You know, to me, this sounds more like some stoned out hippie kickin’ it around a camp fire and thinking some chord he just accidentally strummed is genius.

John Cena:

BRAAAAAP…. BAP BAP BADA DOOO!

By far, the funnest thing to write on a keyboard since “qwerty”.

You know, people generally have mediocre expectations for these two. I mean, both have good matches with good opponents, and both have shown flashes of brilliance, but for whatever reason, people have dismissed the notion that these two should have a great match together. On top of it, these two trained together in OVW. So, call me optimistic, but I feel these two should have some impressive chemistry, as their styles work well together.

Ladies and gentlemen, the above is a prime example of me lying through my teeth. I can’t believe you bought it.

’ll be honest, and the match is decent.. but I think it’s fair that it’s not the main event. It seems as if they were holding back, either for the main event, or because they don’t want to blow their load before Mania. Either way, it was relatively uninspired. My god, this match sounds like my sexual endeavors. Alright, I lie, this match lasted longer than 84 seconds.

The end of the match is so horrible, I actually laughed. Randy RKO’d Cena on the floor, going for the countout win, but Cena got in. Orton couldn’t believe it, so he simply slapped the ref so he’d DQ him. You know, despite the fact it’s such a load of crap, it fits Randy perfectly, and you can’t deny that it makes sense. But, remember… you just paid $40 to see a DQ. Indeed it does make sense… and cents! Bahahaha. Haaaaaaaaaaah. HAAAAAAAH!

Winner via Disqualification: John Cena

Backstage, HHH and Shawn share a package of Twix, go for a walk in the rain, and then make out. Isn’t that cute!

King and JR discuss the polling results, where 69% of the people voted AGAINST HHH winning the chamber match. Apparently, only cave dwellers and hermit crabs have WWE Mobile.

Raw Elimination Chamber: Chris Jericho VS Shawn Michaels VS JBL VS Umaga VS Triple H VS Jeff Hardy

HBK and Jericho start the match off .Umaga rushes in, and busts out a double Samoan Drop. Umaga gets locked in the Walls of Jericho, and HBK adds in THE MOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED. JBL enters the match to break up the reference to the GUY THAT NEVER EXISTED. You know what I love about JBL? His ability to drag a match down. God bless* that fellow. Triple H makes his entrance, and JBL saves Jericho from a Pedigree with a clothesline from Hades, but Jericho nails JBL with a “Hey bend over while I land on my back and pretend it hurt you” to eliminate him.

Umaga is kickin’ all sorts of ass out there. Seriously, the running ass-ram on Jericho through the “bullet proof” glass? Now, that’s pretty cool, but it just makes me wonder why the hell the WWE feels the need to have bullet proof glass in the elimination chamber. I mean, it’s not like Booker T works for the company anymore. Hardy comes in to the match, and Umaga quickly eats all the finishers from the remaining men to be eliminated, pinned by Jericho . Umaga looked like a grill-owning beast out there

Jericho quickly gets hit with the Sweet Chin Music, and is eliminated.

Oh look at that… HHH casually pedigrees HBK and eliminated him. Whoopsies.

HHH and Jeff fight it out, and eventually Hunter pedigrees Hardy to elimin… WHAT!!!.

JEFF KICKED OUT.

JEFF HAS A CHANCE TO WIN THIS THING! I MEAN, HE KICKED OUT OF THE PEDIGREE! The PEDIGREE!!!

Oh, he just got hit with another one on a chair, and Triple H wins. Whew. You had me goin’ there, WWE.

Winner, and going to Wrestlemania: Triple H. What a shocker!