Smackdown Rant 1/25/08 episode

Sorry I waited 'til the last minute to rant this week. I was sick. Oh, by the way, this is Roadkill blogging. I do the SD Rant every week. Anyway, Smackdown is now in HD. (Fun Fact: It's in HD, but there is no diffrence on my tv.) The first match of the night is Rey Mysterio vs. The Edge-heads.





1st match: Rey Mysterio vs. Zach Ryder w/no chance of winning and a stupid ring name and Curt Hawkins w/no chance of winning and a burning love for Edge


You know, couldn't have WWE planned this match better. They should of made it a real handicapped match. And they should of announced it last week. Anyway, the match starts. It is pretty back and forth. Then Rey starts dominating. Then Rey gets one of them into the 619 position. Who cares which one, as long as the fans see that they cheat. But while Rey is doing the move, one of them comes in with a chair. The ref rings the bell. Come on, he didn't even hit him with the chair. People can put people through tables but if they even think about hitting their opponent with a chair they are DQ'd. Makes sense. Anyway, Rey drops Edge-head#1 and kicks the chair so it hits Edge-head #2 in the head. Everyone leaves. We go to a commercial.





After the commercial Jesse is backstage with 2 pictures of Festus, his life partner. He does the whole bell ringing lecture, yadda yadda. Then he says that he hopes the doctors can fix Festus. And why does he hope that the doctors can fix Festus? Easy. The answer is the reason this tag team is popular. Because that- that is the face of my semi-retarded life partner Festus.



2nd match: Domino w/Duece, Cherry and a car vs. Jimmy Wang-Yang w/Shanon Moore

I really don't think that Shanon Moore is a reject to society. The only diffrence is all the tatoos, the peircings, the cowboy hat with the skull on it, and his best friend is a chinese guy who thinks he was born inside the crawford ranch. Anyway, this is a pretty good match. It ends with Domino getting a face full of yang. Wang-Yang. Okay, that was retarded. I hope no one reads this.

Winner: Jimmy Wang-Yang



Backstage, Jamie Noble is putting baby booties on. Oh wait, those are just his wrestling shoes. Then Palumbo comes in and starts yelling at Jamie Noble. Then Michelle Mcool comes and reminds them that they were supposed to get along, for her. Silly Jamie Noble. Michelle just tells you to get along because she's to much of a self-rightous brat to cut you off all together. Besides, she has a muscular boyfriend who owns a motorcycle. He even abuses her sometimes when he's mad. Noble you don't beat your girlfriend. That's why you'll never have one.



3rd match: Jamie Noble, Chuck Palumbo and Michelle Mcool vs. The Miz, John Morrison and Layla w/o EL.

This match stinks. During the match, Palumbo pushes Jamie Noble into Michelle Mcool. She is hurt. Noble goes to see if she is all right, but then Chuck Palumbo goes back to his Italian roots. In other words, since he's mad, he beats the hell out of the person in his way and his lover. "Jamie-a Noble, I beat-a the hell out-a jou. Then I kick-a the crap out of Michelle-a Mcool." Then Chuck left on his Hog. We go to commercials.



After commercials, MVP comes out. He complains about old people. He's right. All they do is watch Jeapordy and demand their pills back. Then he gazes into the future. Oh, I didn't know MVP could use photoshop! Then a picture of a newspaper comes up. It shows MVP beating Flair. What do you mean your newspaper doesn't cover pro-wrestling. Where are you living man? Then it shows Flair playing golf, like all old people with money do. If you're old and don't have money, you watch golf on tv. If you don't have a tv, you stare at a wall. Then there is a picture of MVP holding the world title. Nice photoshop skills! Then he shows a bunch of diffrent pictures, which brings Rickety Ric out. He says he won't retire, and that he won't go home. But if Flair's gonna win, he have to take his medication first.

4th match: The Great Khali w/ Arab Beatle vs. Finlay w/ his little stereotypical friend Hornswoggle
Why do they call this match a Belfast Brawl? Niether man is drunk or mad. Speaking of which, I wonder how Hornswoggle is drunk and mad. Anyway, Khali throws a few of those stupid brain chops. Boy, those are really affective. Then he hits the Khali bomb. Then Khali goes outside to hurt Hornswoggle, but Finlay gets up just in time to save him. He beats Khali with his stick.
Winner: Finlay, and not because the match type was named after him.
We go to commercial.

Backstage, Vince Mcmahon is talking to Finlay and Hornswoggle. He thanks Finlay for saving Hornswoggle, and asks him if he and Hornswoggle could have some Father-Illegitamate son time. Finlay leaves. Vince tells Hornswoggle that he needs to protect himself. Then he says, "Remember, you're a Mcmahon, not a Finlay." This is turning out to be a creepy version of Romeo and Juliet. A Leprachaun and a guy named Finlay love each other, but the Leprachaun's evil dad won't let him be with Finlay. Why? He loves his son. He really "loves" his son. Hey, this is Hollywood material. You think I could write a script? Damn Straight.

Batista is out with his Chuck Palumbo Tribute shirt on. He says he's gonna win the Rumble so he can regain the world title. Yea, because everyone wants to see Batista become like Cena and win every match.

Backstage, Michelle Mcool is being taken out on a stretcher. Jamie Noble is comforting her. "Don't 'ya worry 'Chelle", he says. "I'll get Chuck for this. It takes more than a peice of paper to scare Jamie Noble. Oh wait, 'ya boyfriend pinned me a whole bunch of times when you weren't looking. Screw this, I don't need to be on my back for three seconds flailing my legs like a jerk. I'm leavin' 'ya. Oh, by the way, I sold the baby for Meth money."

5th match: The Undertaker vs. Big Daddy V w/ a male stripper and a guy with a black hole for a belly button.
The match starts. The Undertaker is already sqaushing Big Daddy V. Well, I guess Big Daddy V isn't getting a Wrestlemania match. We get to see his would be 'mania match on cable. Yea! Anyway, Michael Cole is saying some junk about 'Taker adapting to every new opponent. What the hell man?! The Undertaker just beats the hell out of whoever he's facing. Anyway, 'Taker gets Big Daddy V in some new submission move. V taps. Blood is spewing from his mouth. He looks like a chocolate jelly donut.
Winner: The Undertaker

6th match: Straight Edge w/Rey Mysterio vs. Edge w/his heads
This match kind of sucked. I don't wanna recap it.
Winner:Edge

Moment of the night: Big Jelly V. Big Daddy V looked dead during that match.

Letdown of the night: The Belfast Brawl. No screaming Drunks?!