Smackdown Rant: Week of 2/1/08

This week of Smackdown starts out with Vickie Guerrero's slave. That's right, TLO's here. He's got no chains on or anything. Make a run for it TLO! Then river's just a mile from here! But he doesn't. TLO says that he is the new GM of Smackdown. He says Vickie Guerrero is injured because of Rey Mysterio. Ya sure TLO. She may have just gone to the dentist. She really needs to do that. Then TLO announces that there will be a second elimanation chamber at No Way Out. This also means that WWE will have a quarterly loss. I suggest firing Funaki first. This Chamber will involve Batista, The Undertaker, Big Daddy V, MVP, The Great Khali, and Finlay. Boy it's gonna be hard to fit Big Daddy V in that thing. This means another quarterly loss. A pink slip for Jim Duggan. Then TLO announces that Edge will fight Rey Mysterio at No Way Out, because the fans want to see Edge fight a guy half his size that he just beat less than a week ago. Yep, They'll pay forty bucks for that. Then Edge comes out and like a boy crying for his mommy, he says that Vickie Guerrero didn't say so and that the match can't happen. And TLO says "But Vickie Guerrero ain't here". Then he says that he's always hustlin'. Just like Matt Stryker. And why is Edge even scared of Rey? Freakin' Dominic bosses him around at home. We go to commercial.



1st match: Ric Flair w/ a woo! vs. MVP w/ no chance in hell

I hate this "If you lose one more match your career is over" thing. Can't they just have some Rocky Balboa rip-off and make him try to win the title. As I said in the last rant, I could be a film maker- just like Shaq can make a free throw. Anyway, we all know that Flair is gonna live on or whatever so Mr.Kennedy can end his career at Wrestlemania 24. But wait- MVP's got Flair in a submission move. He gets DQ'd. Flair wins. Then MVP injures Flair's leg. Gee Whiz! Who can save Flair but- John Cena. Nah, but if this were Raw 6 months ago- yah. Commercials.



Speaking of commercials I saw the most racist commercial ever during the Superbowl. Go on http://myspace.com/superbowlads to watch it. It is a commercial with pandas. It is for some company that can get your company 100 sales leads or something.



We are back on Smackdown. Cole and Coach are talking about Raw's elimanation chamber. If they are gonna have two chambers at No Way Out they might as well not have had the royal rumble. Besides, who cares about No Way Out because here comes everyone's favorite abusive Italian who rides a motorcycle. That's right kids! It's Chuck Palumbo. Let's relive Chuck going on a rampage: "Jamie Noble! Go-a to hell-a! I beat-a the crap out-a jou! Ref! I beat you to! I beat Ref like musilini beat his people. Then I beat-a Michelle-a Mcool. I beat her like-a momma beat sauce in pan every sunday." Wow! What a moment! Anyway, Chuck is in the ring. But what's this! He's got a brooklyn accent! Why he's not Italian at all! This is an outrage! Well, i guess now Chuck is everyone's favorite "American Meth smokin' girlfriend beatin' hog rider". Anyway, Chuck apologizes to Michelle. She comes out and basically says that "even though Jamie Noble sold our kid for weed, I love him!" Then she slaps Chuck. By now you are probably thinking "Meth, Baby?" Well, if you know Jamie Noble, do meth, or live in Hillbilly country, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Then Chuck says to Michelle "I'm gonna beat Jamie Noble Limb from Limb. And you will watch!" Oh! Can I watch? This will be better than the circus! Oh wait! Noble is half my size and Chuck is crazy, so it is the circus! Commercials.



Now it's time for the main event from 3 weeks ago to become a lame midcard match!(?)

2nd match: Rey Mysterio and Straight Edge vs. Chavo Guerrero and Regular Edge w/o his heads

Rey and Punk are wearing each other's shirts. This Rey and Punk thing is reminding me of Big Daddy V and Matt Stryker. But Rey won't come out of the closet until Dominic's kid is christened. You know. At the christening. Anyway, the match starts off with ECW's main event for the last month. CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero. But the jerks at WWE had to put a commercial here. This is why I don't like society. OH! What's this! We are back! So now the match really starts. Even though it already started. So Chavo kind of dominates, and so does Edge. Then Rey is tagged in. He is ON FIAAAA! I wonder what Rey would look like on fire. He would probably be too small to see. Then a bunch of stuff happens. Punk hits the GTS. His team wins.

Winners: Rey Mysterio and CM Punk

Commercials.



I wonder what the CM in CM Punk stands for. Maybe Cookie Monster. If so, Punk could appear on Seasame Street. It could be the no drugs episode. Even though Cookie Monster's cookie recipe calls for half a cup of meth and a bowl of crack.



3rd match: Finlay and Irish stereotype vs. Duece and Domino w/ cherry and dumb gimmick

What do you think happens?

Winners: Hornswoggle and Finlay

Commercials



Back from commercials. The winner of the stripper hunt is here to make here Smackdown debut- by introducing Batista. Hmmm. She welcomes him to the best show in WWE. Yeah, that's what she said. Or in Big Daddy V's case, that's what he said. Batista says that he knows he lost the rumble, but to Triple H and John Cena. He's basically saying that he lost, but to Superman and the bosses daughter's husband. So that's why they won all those matches! Anyway, Teest says that he'll win at No Way Out. Then he leaves. Boy, that was piontless.

Backstage, we find out that Festus no longer has anger management issues, which means no more retard power which means no more tag team titles. Ah well, Myme Time with Edge Clones now:

4th match: Edge's Heads vs. Shanon Moore and Jimmy Wang-Yang
Yang starts with and Edge-head. It is a bit back and forth, then Moore screws up. Then a head gives him his more retarded than Festus move THE EDGEACUTION! GEE WHIZ!
Winners: Edge's Secret Admirers
Commercials

5th match: Kane and The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry and Big Flabby V w/ Male Stripper Matt Stryker
Why are Kane and the Undertaker always referrred to as the "Brothers of Destruction"? Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Huusien are the bros of destructo. I know they aren't brothers and one of them is dead, but still. Anyway, The match starts, stuff happens. Then someone makes a tag. We can't see it, but the announcers can, because the announcers see stuff we can't. Then More stuff happens, and 'Taker gets Mark Henry into that new move. Henry taps, and he looks like a chocolate Jelly Donut. Just like Big Fatty V last week. I guess now Henry's the one who's "gon' too faw".

Moment of the night: Rey and Punk vs. Chavo and Edge was a good match.
Letdown of the night: Finding out that Mysterio and Punk are- well, you know. Now at Dominik's kids christening we'll hear Rey say:"I got an announcement to make!" Also, WWE is gonna lose a few thousand this month. Tell Funaki's kids that living in a shack isn't too bad. Also, it looks like Jim Duggan is going back to the old folks home.

Posted by roadkill