Posted by Roadkill
I know there are lots of new viewers/readers (whatever you wanna be called) so I will explain this all before I write. Ocassionally, I, Roadkill recap old Pay Per Views. Usually I pick the Pay Per View I am recapping, but today, the PPV will be randomly picked by our own DEADGUY 1313, of "The Corner of the Undead". (Sometimes I write the Corner of the undead for him).
Roadkill: Hey deadguy1313.
Deadguy 1313: If you're Roadkill, why aren't you dead yet?
Roadkill: Dude, our boss' name is deadpossum. You never ask him that question.
Deadguy 1313: That's cause I like to piss you off until you go a little nuts.
Roadkill: Anyway, pick the PPV. The fans are waiting.
Deadguy 1313: Okay, just pray that you don't get The Great American Bash.
Roadkill: From which year?
Deadguy 1313: Does it matter? We're talking about The Great American Bash.
Roadkill: And the winner is...
Deadguy 1313: The Great American Bash 2005.
Roadkill: DAMN IT!!!!!!
Welcome to The Great American Bash. The biggest waste of $40 in the history of the earth. Anyway, since tonight is Muhammed Hassan's final match, the following is a tribute to him:
MAY ALLAH HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULMUHAMMED HASSAN: 2004- 2005
Anyway, no one really cares about him, and I know some of you probably can't see that reel, so ONTO THE SHOW! We start off the show with Hugo and Carlos, the 2 people who have never thought of moving their announce table. Then we see Cole, who says that this PPV is an American tradition. Even though it was invented not even a year ago. Then he says that this is free for our troops over seas. If the WWE was smart, they would give this to the Iraqi troops for free. After 3 hours of this, I would surrender.
1st match: Legion of Doom, I mean LOD 200, I mean Animal and Hawkinreich? vs. MN w/M: Tag Team titles
Man, those shoulder pads make animal look like that guy from the longest yard. Anyway, MNM comes out with their belts in their pants, making it look like they're uhh... um... "hanging brain". It's a wonder how these 2 aren't gay. Wait, Mercury doesn't have a girlfriend. Hmmm...
I wonder what would happen if MNM challenged the original LOD. It would be an elimanation tag match. MNM would win. Hawk was already elimanated by steriods anyway. Anyway, Hedenreich and Animal dominate, just like in every match. Animal goes for the pin, and gets it.
Winners and NEW champion: Hedenreich and Animal. I wouldn't hold those belts after what MNM just did with them. Anyway, Animal points to the ceiling, thanking the late Hawk. Funny, I didn't know Hawk was buried in the Arena rafters!
Backstage, Eddie Guerrero wants Dominic Mysterio to manage him. Dominic isn't even his son. Nor are they related. Oh man. This guy wants to show Dominic some Latino Heat.
2nd: Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Christain w/o Push
Anyway, this match starts off. These 2 might as well be in a rock Rock, Paper, Scissors (kick) game, because no one cares about these 2 wrestlers. Except Sharmell and Tomko, but they're not in WWE anymore, are they? ARE THEY? Booker dominates early, and Michael Cole actually says that he is 5 and 1 at The Bash. Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know that The Great American Bash was that important. I hate Michael Cole. He once called a steel cage a carnivore. (Yes, a carnivore. One who has taste for man meat. Like Matt Stryker.) With that said, Tazz mentions that the crowd loves Christian because he is a Canadian, just like them. Even though this PPV is from Buffalo, New York. Christain gets the advantage by using the ref as a sheild. Geez, his name is CHRISTAIN. You'd think he wouldn't cheat, but talk about John 3:16 like Jake the Snake did. A few moves are hit, both men fight outside, Booker wins with a Scissors kick.
Winner: Booker T. After the match, Sharmell does some stereotypical Hip-Hop dancing to celebrate. Well, this is the company that gives a guy a leprachaun just 'cause he's Irish. Speaking of Finlay, I wonder what he's doing for St.Patty's day. I beat he's got a box of Guiness all ready for usage in the basement.
Backstage, Melina is going on and on about Animal and Hawk, I mean Hedienreich. Well, MNM will probably regain the titles, being that they're the only good tag team on the roster.
3rd match: THE GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED vs. Orlando Jordan: U.S. Title at stake
This is fun. Now I can make all the Benoit jokes I want. Anyway, Cole says that Orlando is the WWE's best athlete. Just 'cause he can run fast and he's good at Lacrosse. Anyway, The guy who never walked the face of the earth dominates against OJ a bit. Hey, Benoit and OJ. Two vicous, ruthless, killers. The only diffrence is that Benoit went nuts over the WWE Juice, and OJ went crazy over... he just went crazy. Anyway, Orlando made the guy who never won the 2004 Royal Rumble match bleed from the neck. Well, it all goes full circle. Benoit bleeds from the neck, then his wife does in June, then his son does the next day, then he does the day after that. Hey, if WWE caught the "OJ" in Jordan's name before he retired, they could've had Torrie Wilson murdered, and they could've made him the culprit. The case is closed when JBL tells of the night when he stayed as a guest in his mansion. Anyways, THE GUY THAT WASN'T HERE hits the SUPLEX THAT NEVER EXISTED, followed by the FLYING HEAD-BUTT THAT NEVER EXISTED followed by THE 2-COUNT THAT NEVER EXISTED. Then Jordan shoves Benoit into an exposed turnbuckle, getting the roll-up pin. I mean the ROLL-UP THAT NEVER EXITED.
Winner and still U.S. champ: Orlando Jordan. Man, WWE wants to forget about Benoit. Why did he achieve so much greatness? It just made it harder for the WWE to forget his legacy.
We get a video montage of the next match, the Undertaker vs. Muhammed Hassan. The winner will get a title shot at Summerslam. No, I'm just lying. The loser will be sent to OVW and later released. I'm serious on that one.
4th match: Muhammad Hassan w/ Davairi and some stereotypical illegal arms (not joking) vs. The Undertaker: Hell In A Cell
Undertaker killed Muhammad. Almost.
Winner: The Undertaker. Well, I guess since Muhammed is always being stereotypical about his religion, we will see this toomorrow at 9:00 (no offense to anyone):
I am a bad person. Anywho, after the match, Torrie Wilson is backstage and says that she loves gril ower but she is also a bit dirty. So she'll burn her bra but show you what's under it at the same time.
5th match: Mexicools w/ John Deers vs. BWO w/ big wheels
Juvientuvads or whatever the hell her name is starts things off with Simon Dean err- NOVA. Then Nova (cough *DEAN SIMON DEAN* cough) makes a tag to Stevie Richards, who tries to rallie but is Moonsaulted by SuperCrazy for the pin.
Winners: The Mexicools
Loser: That guy who jobbed to Stevie Richards on ECW. A big, bulky guy like you can't get the job done, but a tiny mexiacn dude who kinda likes Tequila can? I am ashamed. Back to OVW for you.
Backstage, Rey Mysterio and Dominic share a moment. And a wardrobe, hopefully. I'll be damned if Dominic can't fit into Rey's tights.
6th match: Rey Mysterio w/ Son vs. Eddie Guerrero w/o his son that is Rey's but is his because the WWE said so.
The stipualtion for this match was that if Eddie won, Rey's secret (that he is Dominic's real dad) will be revealed. If Rey won, they could live a life of swinging off of things and accidentally kicking each other. Anyway, to make a long story short (or in Rey's case, a short story long), Eddie hit all of his finishers, but Rey rolled him up. No 619. This is why I hate this PPV.
Winner: Rey Mysterio. The secret is SAFE-even though Eddie tells it on Smackdown.
7th match: Torrie Wilson vs. Melina: Bra and Panties match/ specail ref Candice Michelle
The reason this match happened was because Melina wanted to embarass Playboy Playmate Torrie Wilson. So she figured the best way to do that was by stripping her naked. Hmm...
Winner: Melina. Then Melina strips Candice, and Candice strips Melina. That's what Pervs love about Bra and Panties matches. We're all winners. Even the losers.
Main Event: Batista vs. JBL: World Heavyweight Championship match
It was the worst main event in WWE history. Just like every Bash's Main Event.
Winner: Batistaaaaaaaaa! HHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYEAAAAAAHHHHHUGGGGH! END SHOW
Wrestlemania: I guess the night's best match was Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero. Rey won, But Eddie just tells Rey's secret to everyone anyway.
ECW One Night Stand: "The Wrestlinggggggaaaaaaa Gawd" was probably mad, so he made us pay $40 for a night of squash matches.
Last Laugh: For The Great American Bash last summer, I had a huge viewing party. I definetly picked the wrong PPV to have a viewing party for. It was either that or Summerslam though, so I probably made the right choice.
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