Blast from the past PPV recapitation: Wrestlemania 22

Posted by the funniest blogger, Roadkill

Lately I have been reviewing old PPVs. Today's PPV is Wrestlemania 22.

It's Wrestlemania! The Grandaddy of them all. The only Grandaddy that's 22 years old. The showcase over the Immortals. But only the Immortals that like wrestling. Like- uhh... ohh... ooiii... forget I said that. Anyway, they show a bunch of old 'Mania highlights. Gee, I didn't know there were other 'Mania moments besides the Hulkster slamming Andre. Onto the show!

1st match: Big Show and Kane vs. Carlito w/ a green apple and Chris Masters: For the world tag team championship- of the world.

Odd choice of an opener. Kind of like having Eugene vs. The Undertaker as the main event. I am really surprised that Kane and The Big Show are partners. Big Show is like Kevin James- except less mean and less funny. Well, we're talking about Kevin James, so I guess the Big Show is funnier than him. Kane is like the guy from the phantom of the Opera. Big, misunderstood, and he lost his ugly girlfriend. There seems to be a very strong Carlito contingent here tonight, as Kane & Show are hardly getting the big babyface reaction I expected. I mean, if you can't cheer a 7 foot demon who has on many occasions attempted to burn people alive, just whom can you cheer for? Anyway, the match starts off with Kane beating the hell out of Carlito and Masters. Then Kane throws Carlito and Masters out of the ring. I'm pretty sure that there's a 40s style gallon of gas under the ring right now. But Kane wouldn't use that, because he never burns people alive. Show then drags Carlito back into the ring, but is thrown into the exposed turnbuckle. Carlito and Masters give the Show a sloppy flap-jack- just how my momma makes 'em. Then Carlito and Masters try to suplex the Show, but are having trouble. That's funny. John Cena can FU him, but 2 guys can't suplex him. Speaking of Supercena, Vince Mcmahon is the only one who has power over him, making Vinny Mac awesome. Even though he wrote it that way. Anyway, Show counters the Suplex and gives them a suplex of his own. Then he makes a tag to Kane. Kane is put in the Masterlock, but is saved by The Big Show. From there Kane does a bunch of closelines. Then Masters tries to hit Kane with a sledgehammer, buts Kane ducks and the hammer whacks Carlito. SHADES OF BOB ORTON AT WRESTLEMANIA 1! That's the only comparison. Ever. Then Kane hits his Chokeslam on Masters for the pin. NO! Now Big Show's losing streak at Wrestlemania is over. Welcome back, Tito Santana. The Show's been keepin' that seat nice and warm for 'ya, with a butt that can presumably reach higher temperatures than his Kitchen Apppliance hands.

Winners: Kane and The Big Show

Coach is backstage interviewing Shawn Michaels. Michaels says that tonight's match will be a squash match, and that you won't see the HBK of 1995. Oh, 1995, the year he won the Royal Rumble match?

3rd match: RVD vs. Matt Hardy vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Ric Flair vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay: Money in the Bank match

The predicted winner of this match is Ric Flair. The fans think that Rickety Rick will be able to climb the DREADED 200-POUND LADDER. I hear that Shelton Benjamin doesn't think that a ladder match is a real match. But hey Shelton, you don't see high school wrestlers climbing a ladder like there are bags of sand strapped to their feet, fatefully shaking their hands even though the belt is 4 feet away. Anyway, the match starts. It is a bit of a boring match at first, but then Shelton Benjamin runs up the Ladder and closelines RVD, knocking everyone but Finlay, Matt Hardy, and Ric Flair out. Then more boring stuff happens. Then Matt Hardy suplexs Ric Flair off the top of the ladder. Wow, I can barely pick up the newspaper and this guy is 57 and jumping off of high things. Just like a person committing suicide. Flair looks injured, but the match goes on. More stuff happens, and then Ric gets back in the match. He beats the hell out of Finlay and then he moves onto Shelton. SHELTON HAS THE T-BONES AND FLAIR'S GOT THE CHOPS. Just like JR's BBQ. Normally, you'd think that this would be a great BBQ, but you're wrong. Horribly wrong. Then Flair chops Shelton and climbs the ladder, only to be hit with Finlay's big, long stick. I mean his Shalaliegh, you pervs. Then Shelton and Filay climb the ladder. Lashley throws Finlay off and Dominates Shelton off the ladder. From there, Van Dam then prevents Lashley from grabbing the briefcase with a Van Daminator off the top rope to the back. Finlay and Hardy then try to climb up, but Finlay gets hit with a Side Effect off the top. RVD now materializes for more of his token (tokin’?) offense when he squashes Finlay with a Five Star Frog splash off the ladder. Things look like clear sailing for Rob from here, but then Shelton climbs up there and the 2 fight. Then Matt Hardy comes back from "not dying" (boy, his funeral is gonna be awkward when he does) and the three duke it out. Then Robert Van Damn It shoves the two off the Ladder and grabs the briefcase.

Winner: Rob Van Dam. Boy, that "money" is sure gonna help pay for pot.

Backstage, Rey Mysterio is being interviewed. Then Orton walks in and says that if he doesn't win tonight, the winner is just keeping the title warm for him. Then Rey says, "Speaking of warmth, you got a jacket? I only weight 150 man!"

3rd match: JBL w/ Jillian Hall vs. THE GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED AND NEVER WENT NUTS DUE TO STERIODS: United States title

Kinda sad that Benoit let out those domestic crossfaces on the night he was getting the strap. I mean, I could've made some jokes about how badly he needed to go to a dentist, but, the wolverine snapped, so I can't. Anyway, the match starts. JBL starts making fun of Benoit, using Eddie Guerrero's taunts. I'm surprised that Benoit didn't just hang himself right here, in the middle of the ring, instead of doing it a year and a half later. Why? Humiliating 2 guys that the WWE says never existed- well, it doesn't get worse than that. Anyway, Benoit does snap (not like he did in June) and hits his own three amigos. ED-DIE! ED-DIE! ED-DIE! Oh sorry. I wasn't telling you to kill Latino Heat- even though steriods did that about 3 years ago. Then Benoit hits the flying head-butt, but JBL kicks out of the pin. JBL gets up and goes for the closeline from hell, but Benoit ducks and attempts a German suplex, but JBL counters the move. Then JBL goes for the second closeline from hell, but Beniot side-steps and locks in the cross-face. The announcers say that JBL must tap to this move. I'd like to see JBL tap. Yeah Bradshaw, show us your Jazz Hands! JBL quickly gets to his knees while still in the hold and rolls through into a pinning combo (Benoit never released the hold) grabbing the ropes and getting the pin.

Winner: JBL. This man proves that rich teaxns can be successful. Oh Wait...

After the match, there is a video for the Mick Foley vs. Edge match. Mick says that Edge has awoken something inside of him. Yeah he did. Foley ate someone and know he wants to come back out. No wonder Mick is so fat.

Edge w/ Lita (who kinda looks like a man) vs. Mick Foley w/ multiple identities: Hardcore Match

Mick Foley comes out. His shirt is black plaid. I guess this is what Mick wears to funerals. Edge starts the match off by trying to hit Mick with a baseball bat. Mick ducks, so Lita throws a cookie sheet to Edge. Lita and a Cookie Sheet? You never see a man with a cookie sheet. Edge doesn't use the sheet. Normally, I would be asking myself why there was a cookie sheet under the ring, but RVD is on the match card. When he's here anything can happen. Like when he's with Sabu, his Marijuanna makes him see dragons and fairies. And he forgets everything too. What? Who? Anyway, Edge hits the spear. But Mick was wearing barbed wire around his waist, so Edge is hurt. Then Mick grabs the baseball bat, but Lita jumps onto his back. Edge gets up, and Mick closelines him out of the ring, making all three people spill out onto the arena floor. On the floor, Edge sets up a table, but changes his mind and bangs Foley's head on the stairs. Then Edge tries to squirt Foley with lighter fluid, but Mick counters and hits a Piledriver. A PILEDRIVER! THOSE END CAREERS! You can get set on fire, you can be put through a table, you can be thrown off of a ladder, but if you are Piledrived- your career is over. Then Edge gets up, and he has a sack full of thumbtacks. He dumps them on the mat. Edge tries to throw Foley into the tacks, but Foley suplexs Edge into the tacks. Foley grabs Mr.Socko and wraps him in barbed-wire. Then Mick sticks Mr.Socko into Edge's mouth. He does the same to Lita. Then Foley hits Edge in the head with a baseball bat. Anyway, Foley finds the lighter fluid and goes outside to the table that was set up earlier, and douses it. Lita in an attempt to give Edge another advantage sneaks in a shot to Foley’s knee with the barbwire bat while he was on the apron. With Foley doubled over, Lita quickly finishes squeezing out the fluid (as she is accustomed to) and lights the table on fire! Just then, Edge charges Foley who is still on the apron with a torpedo spear and BOTH men go through the flaming table~!! Edge then recovers first, and after some awesome selling, gets the pin. AWESOME match. Great psychology and a brutal finish. Great stuff.
Foley gets a standing ovation after the match.

Winner: Edge. You think you know him. Actually, we do know him. He wrote a tell all book about 5 years ago. Might wanna change the tune to that jingle.

Backstage, Booker T and Sharmell run into all the weirdos that spent their career beating Scotty 2 Hotty and Shelton Benjamin. (EX: Gangrel, Goldust, Maven, Paul Burchill)

5th match: Booker T and Sharmell vs. The Boogeyman

Squashity Sqaush match!

Winner: The Boogeyman. Apparently, he was injured giving T his finisher. I'M THE ORTHREPEDIC SURGEON, AND I'M COMIN' TO GET YOU!

We Get a video for the next match, which is...

6th match: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus: Women's Championship

Trish is like The Hulkster of the Women's division. Blonde, Orange, and never loses. EVER! Anyway, Mickie is getting the crowd behind her. JR says that the fans here in Chicago are intellectuals. Damn you for liking diffrent people, you Deep Dish eating- uhh... oh... oii... . Forget that. Trish misses a Chick Kick. Then she attempts the Stratusphere, but misses. She attempts the Stratusfaction, but misses. Then Mickie hits a Stratusphere of her own. But she kinda messed the move up, so she hits the Chick Kick for the pin.

Winner: EVERYONE! And Mickie James.

Vince, fat Steph (If she's just pregnant, the kid is gonna weigh 200 pounds), Shane and Linda "No Piledrivers" Mcmahon are all seen. Vince says that he will send Shawn Michaels to the depths of Hell tonight. You don't think he would send Shawn to OVW, do you?!

7th match: The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry: Casket Match

Hey! 'Taker's got Druids! I didn't know that Chicago was druid country. Anyway, this is a good match so far, even though we know that 'Taker's gonna win. Then Mark hits The World's Strongest Slam. 'Taker gets up and rallies, giving Hernry 'taker soup bones. Then he hits the siucide dive, followed by a Tombstone. 'Taker rolls Henry into the casket.

Winner: The Undertaker. Good match, but the freakin' Titanic had a less predictable ending.

Video montage for the Vince/Michaels match. A rivalry biuld around Shawn kissing Vince's butt. Literally. So much for winning the "Wrestling is Gay" arguement.

8th match: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince Mcmahon: No Hold Used- I mean Barred match

Did Vinny Mac go to the tanning booth last night? He makes Hulk Hogan look pale.

Before the match, Vince shows the cover of Muscle and Fitness, which he is on the cover of. This is normal. A 60 year-old who makes people kiss his ass (literally), and who appears on the cover of Muscle and Fitness. Makes perfect sense. Then The Spirit Squad comes out to congratulate Vince. The Spirit Squad is normal too. They are all male Cheerleaders, yet none of them are gay. Except Kenny, who is dating Victoria. Victoria is a man, right? Shawn Michaels comes out and smashes Vince's poster on Kenny's head. Then the Spirit Squad grabs Shawn and throws him up into the air. Then, Kenny misses a leg-drop and Michaels rallies. He takes Mitch's cone and clobbers everyone with it. Then he throws all 5 of the cheerleaders out of the ring. Shawny-Wany turns around and is closelined by Vince. Then Vince starts tuning up the band, but Michaels catches Vince's foot. Then he hits a spanish-flying elbow. Then he starts whipping Vince with his belt.HBK then retrieves some ridiculous handcuffs from Shane that had like a 3 foot chain on them, that I’m *guessing* might not be police issue. HBK ends up cuffing Shane to the bottom rope, so he can cane the shit out of Vince. HBK then looks like he’ll finish Vince with the sweet chin music, but stops short and gets a ladder from under the ring instead, and hits Vince hardway with it. He once again teases the SCM, but once again stops to go get some more hardcore weapons including some trash cans, and a table. HBK then sets up the ladder, and places Vince on the table, but he changes his mind AGAIN, and goes out one more time and finally grabs a 15 ladder that Lawler insists is 30 feet. The “12 foot HBK” (in Lawler’s world, anyway) then places a trash can over Vince’s head, sets him up on the table, and climbs the super ladder, CRUSHING Vince with the big elbow, before finally finishing Vince with the chin music after he pulled himself from the debris.

Winner: Shawn Michaels

After the match, it is announced that Wrestlemania 23 will be from Detroit. BIGGER TIME?!

9th match: Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio w/ ghost of Eddie Guerrero: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Rey's music is played by P.O.D. . I just hope this song was written by Christains, because only Jesus can forgive them for writing this song. Anyway, the three of them beat the hell out of each other. About five-seconds into the match, Angle starts giving out Suplexs. Damn. He does that move like Orton does the Chinlock. Eventually, Rey rallies after he shoves Orton into Angle's Groin (he-he). He goes for the 619, but Angle catches Rey's legs and gets him into the Angle lock. Rey taps, but the ref doesn't see it. The same exact thing happens to Randy Orton next. Then Randy RKO's Angle. Orton tries to jump on Angle now, but he ctches him and flips him. From there, Rey comes out of nowhere with a West Coast Pop, but Angle kicks out. Then Rey 619s Orton for the win. Short match. The begining was axed off and so was the middle. Like Rey's legs.

Winner: Rey Mysterio. Eddie and Anakin are proud. "You have done good young, I mean small padawan".

Backstage, Cena is shown getting dressed. He is getting ready for his match.

10th match: Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson: Playboy pillow fight

This match stunk.

Winner: Who cares. It's Torrie. At least Candice lost, because I can't listen to a song that makes no sense. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Main Event: Conan the company destroyer vs. Superman: WWE Title

Trips comes out with a new song. Oh wait, that's just the intro to the intro. While Triple H is coming to the ring, the ramp elevates. Oh No! It's Conan, the company destroyer, friend of Conan the politicain. He is wearing a fur coat, has a crown, and what's this? He has a sledgehammer. Then Superman comes out. He looks like Tony Soprano. Why Cena chose to wear leather and a top hat I don't know. The match starts. HHH dominates, but then Cena rallies, knocking HHH down. Then Cena bodyslams Trips on the ramp. Trips gets up, rallies, and throws Cena into the steps. Then Trips misses an elbow drop. Cena goes for the knuckle shuffle, but HHH catches Cena and gives him a spinebuster. Good Job. I've always wondered why people don't just get out of the way while Cena's dancing. Why do people always run when they are Irish Whipped too? Then Cena gets up and applies the STFU, but Trips gets the ropes. Then Cena signals for the FU, but HHH reverses that, hitting Cena and the ref with a sledgehammer. Trips hits him with the hammer again. Imagine if Cena used the hammer? He's a gangster though, so he just uses guns. Then trips goes for the Pedigree, but Cena reverses it into the FU. The ref is up now, so Cena goes for the pin, but only gets a 2-count. The Cena misses a top-rope move, allowing Triple H to get Clark Kent into the Pedigree position. But Cena reverses the pedigree into the STFU. Trips taps.

Winner: Superman. He is the only Superman without Kryptonite, which kinda stinks. Alot. END SHOW.

Last Word: Pretty good show. I liked it alot. The match of the night was Edge vs. Mick Foley. What is the full name for Mick anyway, Michard or something? Maybe Conan, but that's Triple H.